School me on tween dating

[Anonymous]

My 5th grader has a 'girlfriend'. He's talked to me about her and it's so cute how smitten he is. But I'm in unfamiliar territory here and not sure how to navigate.

I grew up in a home where we were not allowed to date. Parents were immigrants and dating just wasn't part of the culture until much older (college age) for them. I didn't have any interest in boys until high school and even then I didn't let my parents know about my crushes. I wasn't allowed to go on dates in high school, much less middle school or elementary.

What is the norm for elementary kids having boyfriends and girlfriends? Do they actually go on dates? How do we as parents play a role in this new social scene? Do we call the parents of the girlfriend to discuss dating parameters?

I knew this day would come I just didn't expect it to be so early. Please school me on the ins and outs of tween/teen dating!

[Anonymous]

According to my seventh-grade daughter, middle-school "dating" involves:

a. hanging out in the hallways during school.
b. maybe face-timing and social media stuff, after school.
c. breaking up after a week or two.
d. dating somebody else (see a, b, and c).

That is, there are no actual dates involved in dating.

(She also says that the boys gain status among other boys by "dating" the hot/cool girls, but that the girls don't gain status among other girls by "dating" the hot/cool boys, so she doesn't know why the girls do it.)

When I was in middle school, seventh-graders who were dating did go on actual dates, and there were also boy-girl parties, but that doesn't seem to be the case at my daughter's middle school, at least not as far as she knows.

[Anonymous]

My 7th grade DD is "dating" and it involves a lot of texting and separately binge watching Netflix to report back to each other.

[Anonymous]

You start dating only when you can afford to take your date out to a movie.

[Anonymous]

When I was in 6th and 7th grade, it also involved going to the mall, a movie, or bowling in a group (to throw off the parents who disapproved of "dating"), where couples would pair off and make out in the cinema.

[Anonymous]

I'd allow going out in groups. No real dating til high school though. The stuff PPs describe is fine with me, and to me is more like crushes and friendships. Not dating.

[Anonymous]

My DD is in 7th grade. Last year ONE girl in her 6th grade dated ONE boy in her 6th grade. It meant they texted each other. I think once they met up at Starbucks or something. It fizzled.

5th graders should ABSOLUTELY not be going on dates. That's ridiculous. They can get together in groups of kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is in 7th grade. Last year ONE girl in her 6th grade dated ONE boy in her 6th grade. It meant they texted each other. I think once they met up at Starbucks or something. It fizzled.

5th graders should ABSOLUTELY not be going on dates. That's ridiculous. They can get together in groups of kids.

If you assume that "dating" = "going on dates" -- well, don't assume that. At this age, it doesn't.

[Anonymous]

My son is in 4th grade, and I was a little surprised to hear him talking about a girl he met at recess and they have been walking out together at the end of the day, playing at recess daily, and walking in together in the mornings if they happen to see one another (I am with him in the mornings, and it is quite sweet). She has initiated holding hands once or twice. They seem to have common interests, and I have always encouraged my daughters and my son to play with people they enjoy being with, whether it be boys or girls. My daughter's best friend was a boy in 3rd and 4th grade and she had a wide circle of coed friends. I don't mind the current situation because they are playing together, have common interests and it's expanding his repertoire a bit – he's always been a bit shy, and I am seeing him be more outgoing with her around.

Tonight she actually called (with her parents in the background) and asked if he wanted to play this weekend. They actually live within walking distance of our house. I don't have a problem with it going at the speed it's going – seems quite innocent and we will be around obviously.

[Anonymous]

My 6th grader has had the same "girlfriend" since 3rd grade. They eat lunch together daily at school, play games online over Xbox, occasionally talk on the phone, go to see movies together (with chaperones) and hang out (supervised) at each other's houses on the weekends. They sometimes hold hands. No kissing yet, although I wonder when that's coming.

[Anonymous]

My 6th grader DD has a BAE. They text occasionally and occasionally comment on each other's Instagram posts.

[Anonymous]

I think it varies, and I think earlier pubertal onset is complicating things, especially for girls. My DD is a seventh grader. Her friend, who started having periods shortly after turning nine, had a drama-laden fifth and sixth grade relationship with a boy which spanned two years. It majorly disrupted the social scene at school.

It started with kissing at a social, and an 'agreement' to date. Lots of breakups and make ups ensued, complete with publicly hugging and nearly making out on the bus during field trips. (Even in front of the girl's chaperoning mom, who thought it was quaint. I'm no prude, and I grew up during the seventies, but that scene screamed 'horny teenagers' to me, something that wasn't on display at my school until at least the eighth grade.) The wildest thing I remember at fifth grade was dancing with, and holding the hand of my 'boyfriend'.

That relationship fizzled out, replaced by another at the end of sixth, into seventh, which also fizzled out. Replaced by...lots of possessive, but non-sexual touching and partnering with girls by the girl in question (almost like a social branding), and now lots of time spent on social media.

I think girls, in particular, now feel an intense pressure to be somehow 'paired' at a very early age. It seems different than when I was growing up. Girls certainly had best friends, but there is an intensity in same-sex friendships within my DD's girl peer groups that is kind of scary. I wonder if the oversexualization of kids through media is driving our kids to seek shelter within friendships that are more possessive in nature.

[Anonymous]

I have middle school daughters and it seems to me there is actually less "dating" now than there was when I was that age. Plenty of the kids have boyfriends/girl friends, but that generally only means that they spend a lot of time texting or hanging out in school. Back in the 80's when kids had a lot more unstructured time and were much less supervised, kids who were dating generally found ways to see each other after school and I remember hearing about a lot more physical stuff going on than what seems to be happening now.

[Anonymous]

Sixth graders do oral, so I'd talk about that with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it varies, and I think earlier pubertal onset is complicating things, especially for girls. My DD is a seventh grader. Her friend, who started having periods shortly after turning nine, had a drama-laden fifth and sixth grade relationship with a boy which spanned two years. It majorly disrupted the social scene at school.

It started with kissing at a social, and an 'agreement' to date. Lots of breakups and make ups ensued, complete with publicly hugging and nearly making out on the bus during field trips. (Even in front of the girl's chaperoning mom, who thought it was quaint. I'm no prude, and I grew up during the seventies, but that scene screamed 'horny teenagers' to me, something that wasn't on display at my school until at least the eighth grade.) The wildest thing I remember at fifth grade was dancing with, and holding the hand of my 'boyfriend'.

That relationship fizzled out, replaced by another at the end of sixth, into seventh, which also fizzled out. Replaced by...lots of possessive, but non-sexual touching and partnering with girls by the girl in question (almost like a social branding), and now lots of time spent on social media.

I think girls, in particular, now feel an intense pressure to be somehow 'paired' at a very early age. It seems different than when I was growing up. Girls certainly had best friends, but there is an intensity in same-sex friendships within my DD's girl peer groups that is kind of scary. I wonder if the oversexualization of kids through media is driving our kids to seek shelter within friendships that are more possessive in nature.

This is a very perceptive post. I'm a parent of a freshman girl, and though she herself doesn't feel pressured to have a significant other (because she's way too busy with homework and an extracurricular that takes up several hours, almost daily), I see what this PP describes in DD's friends and peers. And you're also right, PP, about some girls being in friendships that are possessive and can turn toxic. It is much easier for these friendships, and "dating" relationships, to get possessive because the kids can text each other at all hours, track each other on social media, and expect their friends or boyfriends/girlfriends to be available and instantly responding 24/7 via text etc. It's has created drama beyond belief for some kids we know.

OP, for your question -- it's sweet, as you describe it, but be sure that this friendship stays at school and doesn't become a case of your son asking to see this girl on weekends etc. If they happen to have some friends in common or end up at the same birthday party or church event or school event, all with adults there, OK, but it is simply not "dating" at that age by any stretch of the imagination.