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please help! single-parent family teenager can't accept dad dating
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Anonymous
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Hi all,
I am desparately needing help. I am a single mom with a small boy. We live peacefully and happily. I met my current bf and we really loved each other, he had 3 children (usually I will withdraw from this situation, but he is really he is a wonderful wonderful man, so I am still with him, and his children are all either in college or a couple of years to go, so I think it is not a big deal). But in the past couple of months, his youngest daughter started to act up when she found out he was dating. She is 14 or 15 (9th grade). She emailed me, left voice mails for me, with all the dirty words you can think of from an adult, repeatedly, basically asking me to leave and leave her family alone, she also claimed that his daddy is still married (but they were divorced 10+ years ago). He told me she did this to his previous gf as well, and she is seeing counselings (no improvements though). I was so helpless as of whether to continue this relationship. She also threaten to kill me and my son. (her daddy said she is just trying to scare me and won't do crazy things). Based on her persistence in her calls/msgs, and her languages and threats, I really am afraid she has mental issues. I am torn. I really love him and he loves me a lot, he told me he will solve the problem and asked me to not leave him. But his work is very busy and he travels a lot and he doesn't even has the energy and time to deal with her (and I think he is very soft with her). Everyday I am torn apart, because I want a peaceful life for myself and my son and I am afraid there is no solution in this relationship, but it is also hard for me to let go, and he won't let go of me too. any comments? advice????? |
Anonymous
| I've never been in a situation like this, but I think I would insist that he get help for his daughter before I proceeded with the relationship. If he's worth it, you can pick up the relationship in a month or six months or a year, or whatever it takes. Even if she's just bluffing about the death threats (!) it's not fair to your son to risk anything... |
Anonymous
| Okay, read what you wrote. This man's daughter has threatened to kill you and your son. Do you understand how extreme this is? Tons of teenagers aren't wild about their parents BF or GF. But this behavior is nuts. Let go. This girl has major issues, If Dad was super available, I'd say consider sticking it out. But he travels, he's not here to focus on this. Seriously, this chick is threatening your flesh and blood. I know Eros is poweful but kick him in the nuts and scram. |
Anonymous
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Well, I could have written your post, up until the death threats and stuff. But, I'm not going to tell you to necessarily give up. Obviously, the kid needs help. That's not your job. That's her dad's job. Which, if he's a decent dad, will take precedence over you, and whatever else he has going on. I would say step back and don't involve yourself with is daughter. Keep the kids out of it 'til this is resolved.
Now lots of teenagers give sabataging their parents' relationships a good run for the money, but death threats are quite another thing. |
Anonymous
| Assuming that this is just adolescent bs, what kind of a relationship could you have with her in the future? How can he ever overlook your inevitable distrust of her? Could you muster maternal feelings for her... ever? What about the others, who are "not a big deal" because they're nearly adults? |
Anonymous
I agree. Frankly, I think she "wins" this one. She's letting both you and her dad know that she will make your collective lives hell. Why do this to your own child? Why expose him to this? Not all battles are worth fighting - as it stands this one would be a Pyrrhic victory. He broke her, he's going to have to fix her. |
Anonymous
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I am the OP.
For future, he told me if she can't accept me in his life, then he won't have her in his life. But I think it is naive and not realistic, but he said it is not... I don't know... Yesterday he said he will call the police - cos she kept calling/txting me, I wonder if that is a good idea. Would police do anything about it? I also don't want to trigger worse action from her since apparently I am scared of her, and he is going away for business trip for 3 weeks next week, and leaving me unprotected. I wonder should I stop him from calling the police, and just try some domestic discipline first like taking away her cell phone or sth... I am so helpless.. |
Anonymous
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still OP.
And thanks for all the nice advice so far, you are right, I would have done what you suggested (step back and wait), but I have not had the heart to do so. It is so hard. He really doesn't want me to leave, so mentioning that sounds like I am using his affection as leverage to rush him solve the problem. He told me to believe that he is working on it...and it takes time. But everyday there is a voice inside me saying I should put this on hold...maybe now it is the time...I don't know |
Anonymous
| Frankly, I question his parenting skills and judgment. You said she'd done this before; why hasn't he gotten help for her earlier? No wonder she keeps doing this; it works! He's probably so guilt ridden from the divorce he can't discipline her, and now he wants to call the police?? On his 14 year old daugher? He's going from one extreme to another. This girl needs some boundaries and she needs them now. I suggest you tell him you are on a hiatus until he gets her (and him) into therapy. And under no circumstances should you get involved in discipining her -- that's his job. I would definitely save all the threatening texts and messages though; you might need them one day. I feel for you, OP. There you were, enjoying your nice quiet life, and you fell for a man with a daughter with some serious issues. You need to preotect your little boy from this mess and have your BF step up and be a proper father to this girl. |
Anonymous
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"he told me if she can't accept me in his life, then he won't have her in his life"
Any man who's willing to choose his girlfriend over his daughter isn't a man you want to have. What kind of dad will he be to your son (and any future kids) if he's so willing to write them off when the going gets tough? |
Anonymous
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OP,
If you are not already doing so, please see a therapist. It sounds like you have serioiusly lost perspective here. You want one thing, this situation is not going to give it to you, but you refuse to break things off despite risks to you and your son Plus, this man's parenting is lamentable. Call the police? I'm not impressed with his partnering potential. He's asking you to stay in a dangerous situation. Why? Many fathers would encourage a break, to focus on their daughter. She should be the priority now, not you. She's disturbed. Many partners would accept a woman's request for a break. He's pressuring you to stay for selfish reasons. How could you see a future with this man? Be strong! Get out of this mess. |
Anonymous
Seriously good advice. |
Anonymous
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He needs to take care of his daughter.
You shouldn't date a man who isn't taking care of his child. (Yes, his child is pretty screwed up, but she should come before a girl friend - particularly a new one.) |
Anonymous
I gotta agree...spot-on. |
Anonymous
| Get a new phone number and forget this guy. His daughter is really disturbed. I would be concerned that somehow she would also harm my son. Document all of her threats and get a restraining order. The love of this guy just isn't worth the drama and trauma that this teenager will put you through. |