Post-divorce dating: what should we look out for?

[Anonymous]

She: divorced emotionally and verbally abusive alcoholic who cheated. Married 20 years.
He: cheated and was thrown out by angry wife when caught. Marriage had been dead for 12 years before that but didn't want to break up family. Married 25 years.

What signs or red flags should each look out for in the other? Both are kind-hearted people with kids about the same age, but their baggage could fill the Titanic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She: divorced emotionally and verbally abusive alcoholic who cheated. Married 20 years.
He: cheated and was thrown out by angry wife when caught. Marriage had been dead for 12 years before that but didn't want to break up family. Married 25 years.

What signs or red flags should each look out for in the other? Both are kind-hearted people with kids about the same age, but their baggage could fill the Titanic.

She risks finding another codependent relationship. She needs to heal and learn healthy behaviors before dating.

He needs to examine whether he's afraid of being alone (hence staying in a dead marriage instead of having the courage to leave). If this is true, he risks picking someone just for company and security, and not for true partnership.

Both should be in individual therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She: divorced emotionally and verbally abusive alcoholic who cheated. Married 20 years.
He: cheated and was thrown out by angry wife when caught. Marriage had been dead for 12 years before that but didn't want to break up family. Married 25 years.

What signs or red flags should each look out for in the other? Both are kind-hearted people with kids about the same age, but their baggage could fill the Titanic.

+1 Hah, Titanic. Go big or go home. Take care.

[Anonymous]

We ALL carry substantial baggage on us. Especially the older we get.

If these people are recently divorced, it would be best if they had ample time to recover and heal before plunging into a serious relationship.

Some individual therapy would be a smart idea prior to dating.

[Anonymous]

My ex has so much baggage it will make the Titanic sink twice. A pothead, narcissist, thief, cheater and a liar. She still calls me to this day just to pick a fight when things are bad.

[Anonymous]

I'd be very wary of someone who was cheated on dating an admitted cheater.

[Anonymous]

He will cheat ... you will put up with it.

[Anonymous]

Just don't get married. Everything else will work itself out.

[Anonymous]

Herp. Look out for the herp.

[Anonymous]

Maybe someone should write a book about it: "How I negotiated relationships via DCUM." Classic

[Anonymous]

The red flag for me is that you seem to forgive his cheating completely and believe his story. I have never met a man who cheated who didn't have a great story for why he "had to cheat". It would be interesting to hear the story from his wife's.

[Anonymous]

Classic enabling relationship

[Anonymous]

That's baggage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be very wary of someone who was cheated on dating an admitted cheater.

Yes, this should be a deal-breaker for the victim of cheating. It shows that she has not internalized the idea that there is no acceptable reason to cheat and is willing to live again with a person who did that. In addition, the history of emotional and verbal abuse in one partner, paired with a history of cheating the other partner points out that the person who was the victim of emotional abuse really hasn't sorted out their personal issues because they are dating someone with a history of being a liar and cheater. Talk about low self-esteem.

[Anonymous]

One thing I see in people who have been with abusive partners is once they find a nice person who isn't abusive, they think it's love. And they don't really look past the niceness to see if they are compatible. They are just so relieved to not be abused any more.