Do You Hate One of Your Siblings?

[Anonymous]

If so, how do you deal with it if they are still somewhat in your lives?

So I'm one of three children -- two of us turned out OK, the third one (my younger brother) didn't. I think he has a personality disorder. For over 16 years he lied to my parents and the rest of the family, saying he'd graduated from college. In reality, he stole the tuition money from my parents, and used their credit cards and generosity to pay for a hard core heroin habit. He has never held down a job and jumps from one part-time low-skilled gig to another, until he's fired for being who he is (unreliable, liar, etc.). My parents, who live in the DC area now, must support him financially still, even though they know what he is. For example, brother still drives my dad's truck. I assume my dad is paying his rent/food since he's currently unemployed. Both my parents are on social security and they have less than $100k for all of their retirement!! And my dad was an MD -- this shows how much $$ has been squandered over the years to give to my brother.

Anyway, I just hate him. I feel like he has wrecked our family. I feel like he holds my parents hostage...he'll blame us for his drug problems by saying that whenever we ask how he's doing or if he's on drugs, it prompts him to use. He sends paranoid emails about how the government is tracking him. And...worst of all...he has said he wants to come live in the DC area (presumably crashing on my parents' couch) so he can be nearer to his family. I have kids and I do not want this nightmare anywhere near me or my kids. I just wish he would disappear.

I just don't know how to deal anymore with the stress and anger of having someone like this in my life...and especially in my poor parents' lives. It's like they are unable to see a lost cause and keep on giving and giving and giving to this black hole of a person.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your brother is severely mentally ill. That isn't his fault. It also sounds like your parents are total enablers, which hasn't done your brother any favours.

What have you done to try and help him? Have you intervened with your parents? Your brother really isn't getting the physical or mental health care he needs.

I don't understand people who talk this way about the mentally ill. I'm not trying to minimize the stress this has caused in your life at all, but he is sick! He needs empathy, support, acceptance, and help.

[Anonymous]

You need to let this go. It is hard for parents to give up on a child. You need to set firm boundaries with your sibling and your parents. Your parents are enablers, but both they are your sibling are doing the best they can with a bad situation.

[Anonymous]

Your parents do not have to support your brother. Your brother is a full grown adult.

[Anonymous]

Your parents enable your brother. There is nothing you can do.

I hate my brother. He's a greedy f. Always has been. I don't speak to him and probably never will again. Haven't seen him or his family in 20 years. I feel they are strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your brother is severely mentally ill. That isn't his fault. It also sounds like your parents are total enablers, which hasn't done your brother any favours.

What have you done to try and help him? Have you intervened with your parents? Your brother really isn't getting the physical or mental health care he needs.

I don't understand people who talk this way about the mentally ill. I'm not trying to minimize the stress this has caused in your life at all, but he is sick! He needs empathy, support, acceptance, and help.

Well, he refuses any help, and refuses treatment. We can't commit him involuntarily. Guess my parents should just keep on enabling him so he doesn't have to live on the streets.... And yeah, I don't buy the whole "mentally ill" thing. If anything, his mental illness is a result of him frying his own brain because he chose to use drugs. Anyway, you can tell that all my empathy is dried up long ago. If a late-30s guy is still preying on his 70-year-old parents this way I think he deserves hatred and disgust. Guess if he decides to move out here and live with my parents I will just cut them all out of my life, which sucks for my children because they love their grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your brother is severely mentally ill. That isn't his fault. It also sounds like your parents are total enablers, which hasn't done your brother any favours.

What have you done to try and help him? Have you intervened with your parents? Your brother really isn't getting the physical or mental health care he needs.

I don't understand people who talk this way about the mentally ill. I'm not trying to minimize the stress this has caused in your life at all, but he is sick! He needs empathy, support, acceptance, and help.

Well, he refuses any help, and refuses treatment. We can't commit him involuntarily. Guess my parents should just keep on enabling him so he doesn't have to live on the streets.... And yeah, I don't buy the whole "mentally ill" thing. If anything, his mental illness is a result of him frying his own brain because he chose to use drugs. Anyway, you can tell that all my empathy is dried up long ago. If a late-30s guy is still preying on his 70-year-old parents this way I think he deserves hatred and disgust. Guess if he decides to move out here and live with my parents I will just cut them all out of my life, which sucks for my children because they love their grandparents.

I'm sorry. You "don't buy the whole mentally ill thing"? You just lost any sympathy of mine you had. What a disgusting way to think. You should educate yourself about mental illness and addiction since you clearly don't know even the basics, although the time to do that would have been decades ago. What is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Your parents need to cut off the brother. Sounds like all 3 will be living with you or your other sibling too if they're down to 100k in savings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your brother is severely mentally ill. That isn't his fault. It also sounds like your parents are total enablers, which hasn't done your brother any favours.

What have you done to try and help him? Have you intervened with your parents? Your brother really isn't getting the physical or mental health care he needs.

I don't understand people who talk this way about the mentally ill. I'm not trying to minimize the stress this has caused in your life at all, but he is sick! He needs empathy, support, acceptance, and help.

Well, he refuses any help, and refuses treatment. We can't commit him involuntarily. Guess my parents should just keep on enabling him so he doesn't have to live on the streets.... And yeah, I don't buy the whole "mentally ill" thing. If anything, his mental illness is a result of him frying his own brain because he chose to use drugs. Anyway, you can tell that all my empathy is dried up long ago. If a late-30s guy is still preying on his 70-year-old parents this way I think he deserves hatred and disgust. Guess if he decides to move out here and live with my parents I will just cut them all out of my life, which sucks for my children because they love their grandparents.

I'm sorry. You "don't buy the whole mentally ill thing"? You just lost any sympathy of mine you had. What a disgusting way to think. You should educate yourself about mental illness and addiction since you clearly don't know even the basics, although the time to do that would have been decades ago. What is wrong with you?

Cool. I don't need your sympathy. Why don't you have a crazy heroin addict live with you and see how it goes? They're mentally ill so they deserve your support. Yeah...didn't think so. You know who else is mentally ill? Murderers and child abusers. They don't get my sympathy either, and I sure as hell wouldn't want them as a sibling. Good for you that you would.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. You "don't buy the whole mentally ill thing"? You just lost any sympathy of mine you had. What a disgusting way to think. You should educate yourself about mental illness and addiction since you clearly don't know even the basics, although the time to do that would have been decades ago. What is wrong with you?


Cool. I don't need your sympathy. Why don't you have a crazy heroin addict live with you and see how it goes? They're mentally ill so they deserve your support. Yeah...didn't think so. You know who else is mentally ill? Murderers and child abusers. They don't get my sympathy either, and I sure as hell wouldn't want them as a sibling. Good for you that you would.

Not the PP you're responding. I come from a long line of substance abusers/mentally ill people. You are focusing your anger on your brother but your parents are to blame for their predicament You say your father is an MD? He should be familiar with this type of illness (and it is an illness despite your disbelief). I know first hand how difficult it is to say no to a loved one and him ending up on the streets/homeless. It's either that let yourself be sucked dry emotionally, physically and financially. Your brother didn't make your parents do anything. They chose to do so. You should share your anger with them.

[Anonymous]

1. Your parents are blinded in the same way many parents are with that unapologetic, unconditional love they have for their kids. It's the same love they have for you, and the rest of the siblings. It's the same kind of love you have for your kids. Until you've been there in the shoes of a parent of an addict you have no idea. Being a sibling isn't the same- and I truly hope you never find out.

2. It's entirely possible there are issues concerning your brother you are not privy to.

3. Your parents' money issues are their own. You can't blame that on anyone else but them.

4. Mental illness is real, A common time for onset is late teens/ early 20's- college age. A common method of management is use of illegal drugs. That is fact. That is science. I assume you aren't against science as a child of an MD.

5. You can create whatever boundaries you want with your brother, but you are not entitled to dictate other people's boundaries with him.

[Anonymous]

^ #5 is right on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Your parents are blinded in the same way many parents are with that unapologetic, unconditional love they have for their kids. It's the same love they have for you, and the rest of the siblings. It's the same kind of love you have for your kids. Until you've been there in the shoes of a parent of an addict you have no idea. Being a sibling isn't the same- and I truly hope you never find out.

2. It's entirely possible there are issues concerning your brother you are not privy to.

3. Your parents' money issues are their own. You can't blame that on anyone else but them.

4. Mental illness is real, A common time for onset is late teens/ early 20's- college age. A common method of management is use of illegal drugs. That is fact. That is science. I assume you aren't against science as a child of an MD.

5. You can create whatever boundaries you want with your brother, but you are not entitled to dictate other people's boundaries with him.

All of this. Very well put.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If so, how do you deal with it if they are still somewhat in your lives?

So I'm one of three children -- two of us turned out OK, the third one (my younger brother) didn't. I think he has a personality disorder. For over 16 years he lied to my parents and the rest of the family, saying he'd graduated from college. In reality, he stole the tuition money from my parents, and used their credit cards and generosity to pay for a hard core heroin habit. He has never held down a job and jumps from one part-time low-skilled gig to another, until he's fired for being who he is (unreliable, liar, etc.). My parents, who live in the DC area now, must support him financially still, even though they know what he is. For example, brother still drives my dad's truck. I assume my dad is paying his rent/food since he's currently unemployed. Both my parents are on social security and they have less than $100k for all of their retirement!! And my dad was an MD -- this shows how much $$ has been squandered over the years to give to my brother.

Anyway, I just hate him. I feel like he has wrecked our family. I feel like he holds my parents hostage...he'll blame us for his drug problems by saying that whenever we ask how he's doing or if he's on drugs, it prompts him to use. He sends paranoid emails about how the government is tracking him. And...worst of all...he has said he wants to come live in the DC area (presumably crashing on my parents' couch) so he can be nearer to his family. I have kids and I do not want this nightmare anywhere near me or my kids. I just wish he would disappear.

I just don't know how to deal anymore with the stress and anger of having someone like this in my life...and especially in my poor parents' lives. It's like they are unable to see a lost cause and keep on giving and giving and giving to this black hole of a person.

He doesn't sound well OP-- but don't blame you for your feelings. I have a screwed up family too and it just isn't fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Your parents are blinded in the same way many parents are with that unapologetic, unconditional love they have for their kids. It's the same love they have for you, and the rest of the siblings. It's the same kind of love you have for your kids. Until you've been there in the shoes of a parent of an addict you have no idea. Being a sibling isn't the same- and I truly hope you never find out.

2. It's entirely possible there are issues concerning your brother you are not privy to.

3. Your parents' money issues are their own. You can't blame that on anyone else but them.

4. Mental illness is real, A common time for onset is late teens/ early 20's- college age. A common method of management is use of illegal drugs. That is fact. That is science. I assume you aren't against science as a child of an MD.

5. You can create whatever boundaries you want with your brother, but you are not entitled to dictate other people's boundaries with him.

Read #4 over and over again. You are not responding appropriately. The fact that you would suggest that this mental illness was CAUSED by his substance abuse suggests that you have never taken the time to properly educate yourself about mental illness and addiction. When my brother was diagnosed with a serious physical health condition I spent hours reading and researching, educating myself and learning how to help him. This shouldn't be any different, but it's a shame that you've harboured this hatred for so many years. I hope you haven't burned this bridge by being so judgmental and unempathetic.