Scheduling and family beach house

[Anonymous]

We have a family beach house - bought by parents but now sadly one is dead and the other requires 24/7 nursing care. My siblings and I use the house each summer with our families. It's really only big enough for one family at a time, so we have to switch off. We have no set process for scheduling times - some one just sends around an email each spring asking for specific dates and the others usually respond in turn. Unfortunately, it's beginning to lead to frictions and I don't know if there's a better way.

Part of the problem is that the constraints of each sibling are different - one sibling is very close by, while others are 4/5 hrs or as long as a 10/11hr drive away. The sibling who lives close to the beach house has no kids, so in theory can use the can use the house whenever the mood strikes (in reality their spouse will only go when there's good beach weather.) The sibling who lives furthest away generally only comes once per summer for a 2 week stretch. The ones w/4hr drive usually take the house for a couple of weekends and week/10-day stretches.

The siblings that live at a greater distance have to work vacation time around kids - school calendar, summer sports, camp availability, etc. Inevitably they prefer August and pre-Labor Day. Close-by sibling without kids is getting pissed about this and staking claims to early August weekends on principle. It's worth mentioning that the close-by sibling is the front line family member for our remaining parent.

How would you resolve?

[Anonymous]

My cousins, who don't particularly get along, share a beach house and they swap months. So one gets July one year and August the next, and vice versa.

You could also do a rotation on choice. Sibling one gets first choice in year one, then second choice in year 2 then 3rd choice. It could be for a 2 week block or 2 one week blocks, with the rest of the summer up for grabs.

[Anonymous]

Family meeting. Get out your calendars and duke it out.

FWIW, I think the long-distance siblings with kids deserve first shot at the only weeks that work for them.

[Anonymous]

Summarize the situation as simply and dispassionately as possible for all your siblings...including the distance of each sibling from the house. Acknowledge that friction is starting, which is totally normal, but that before it causes hurt feelings that you hope to get it all sorted.

Have everyone submit their requests (that are a week or longer). If anyone hopes to get the same weeks and there aren't good reasons to award it to one over the other, then flip a coin. Aim for equity, in terms of time at the beach house. I also thing the sibling who is far away should be allowed to have the two week chunk he/she wants, unless there are good reasons not to.

[Anonymous]

And remind yourselves how fortunate you are to have this house and how I'm sure your parents wanted it to always be a source of happiness, not the opposite. You owe it to your parents to work this out like adults.

[Anonymous]

The close by sibling with no kids is being unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My cousins, who don't particularly get along, share a beach house and they swap months. So one gets July one year and August the next, and vice versa.

You could also do a rotation on choice. Sibling one gets first choice in year one, then second choice in year 2 then 3rd choice. It could be for a 2 week block or 2 one week blocks, with the rest of the summer up for grabs.

Or you can choose in rounds, so sib1 gets to choose 1 week or weekend, then sib 2 chooses, until all the weeks are gone. I do think the sibling who is doing the bulk of parent care should get first dibs as an acknowledgment and a form of respite, even if under other circumstances the other siblings might have a stronger case for why they should get to choose first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My cousins, who don't particularly get along, share a beach house and they swap months. So one gets July one year and August the next, and vice versa.

You could also do a rotation on choice. Sibling one gets first choice in year one, then second choice in year 2 then 3rd choice. It could be for a 2 week block or 2 one week blocks, with the rest of the summer up for grabs.

+1 to both of these suggestions. It is the only way that it is fair to everyone. Rotate either selection turns or actual weeks/months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Family meeting. Get out your calendars and duke it out.

FWIW, I think the long-distance siblings with kids deserve first shot at the only weeks that work for them.

Totally disagree with this. The primary caretaker for the parent should get first dibs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Family meeting. Get out your calendars and duke it out.

FWIW, I think the long-distance siblings with kids deserve first shot at the only weeks that work for them.

Totally disagree with this. The primary caretaker for the parent should get first dibs.

I didn't read that he/she is "primary caretaker" - the parent is in 24/7 nursing care. The sibling is lives closer and probably manages the process. Still no reason to pick the only weekend that works for the other siblings.

[Anonymous]

When the parent dies, sell the house and everyone is on their own. You aren't going to find "a system" that works, not long term. There is too much emotion/power plays within families, any family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Family meeting. Get out your calendars and duke it out.

FWIW, I think the long-distance siblings with kids deserve first shot at the only weeks that work for them.

Totally disagree with this. The primary caretaker for the parent should get first dibs.

+1 totally agree that caretaker sib should get first dibs. Even if this sib isn't doing in home care, just being on call and seeing the parent a couple times a week and doing errands is big. I would want my sib to know that I really appreciated their effort.

[Anonymous]

Actually your parents did you no favors leaving you kids this beach house.

[Anonymous]

Oy. Thanks everyone for the divergent views! And for the suggestions about how to manage - I think we need to do something a bit more formal in the future.

Fwiw I am the 10/11hr drive sibling; with 2 elementary kids and a FT job, the only realistic thing for me is one longer trip. It's just too long a drive (or too much $$ on flights and rental car) to do twice in one summer.

I'm hesitant to push back on my sibling who lives nearby. He isn't the caretaker per se but visits our parent (who has very advanced Alzheimers) twice a week and does most of the day-to-day calls that come in regarding minor issues. For which we are all truly grateful.

But he sent out an email last week about date preferences while I was in a closed-door meeting for work, and by the time I got to my email, he and other sibs had grabbed all of August. I asked everyone if they had any flexibility and he alone pushed back. He gave up a weekend last August for another sibling and is apparently still angry about it.

I get his sense of grievance, but at the same time, he always takes a week in late August, usually including Labor Day, when those of us with kids are not able to go. And half the dates he claims, they wind up not using because his wife doesn't like to be at the beach unless it's sunny and warm.

At this stage I either have to push him, which I hate to do, or reschedule kids' camps (if that's even possible) or just find somewhere else to go. Maybe the PP is right about selling the house. It would kill me, it's the last piece of my late mother that I have, and that's one of the reasons I love to go there. But maybe it's just not realistic to think that there can be an easy way to manage this kind of thing....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oy. Thanks everyone for the divergent views! And for the suggestions about how to manage - I think we need to do something a bit more formal in the future.

Fwiw I am the 10/11hr drive sibling; with 2 elementary kids and a FT job, the only realistic thing for me is one longer trip. It's just too long a drive (or too much $$ on flights and rental car) to do twice in one summer.

I'm hesitant to push back on my sibling who lives nearby. He isn't the caretaker per se but visits our parent (who has very advanced Alzheimers) twice a week and does most of the day-to-day calls that come in regarding minor issues. For which we are all truly grateful.

But he sent out an email last week about date preferences while I was in a closed-door meeting for work, and by the time I got to my email, he and other sibs had grabbed all of August. I asked everyone if they had any flexibility and he alone pushed back. He gave up a weekend last August for another sibling and is apparently still angry about it.

I get his sense of grievance, but at the same time, he always takes a week in late August, usually including Labor Day, when those of us with kids are not able to go. And half the dates he claims, they wind up not using because his wife doesn't like to be at the beach unless it's sunny and warm.

At this stage I either have to push him, which I hate to do, or reschedule kids' camps (if that's even possible) or just find somewhere else to go. Maybe the PP is right about selling the house. It would kill me, it's the last piece of my late mother that I have, and that's one of the reasons I love to go there. But maybe it's just not realistic to think that there can be an easy way to manage this kind of thing....

Set up your August dates for next summer and go in July this summer.