Work Friend Screwed Up - Do I Reach Out?

[Anonymous]

I've been at my workplace for 3 years and have worked closely with another female my age (late 20's). We hit it off as friends and have spent a lot of time outside of the office hanging out with our boyfriends and spending time socially. She recently became super withdrawn and I backed off, knowing she was going some through personal stuff (her and her boyfriend broke up, her dad was diagnosed with cancer, etc).

It turns out that she has been hooking up with a married man on our exec board for the last year and the exec is actively cheating on his wife with her - it's not just a rumor, it's confirmed. She is traveling for work this week so not in the office, but not sure if I should reach out as a friend and just tell her I'm there for her as a friend?

I don't know if her and the exec will be "punished" (I don't think they are going to be fired) and don't want to get involved from a workplace perspective, but we've been friends for years and I'm sure she is embarrassed and feels like everyone is talking trash about her (they totally are). If i were in her shoes, I would want to feel like I had an ally in the office, even someone to just grab a coffee with. On the other side, I guess we're not as close as I thought considering she hid this for a year (and I'm not totally cool with her dating a married father of 2) and i don't want to stick my nose into somewhere I don't belong. I'm pretty conflicted and would love some impartial insight. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

If she is your friend, why wouldn't you reach out?

[Anonymous]

OP - I guess I kind of feel like we're not that close if she didn't give me the heads up about this? People have had suspicions for awhile and I tried to ask her about it but she's been withdrawn for awhile so I didn't want to push... But I could have given her the heads up that it was going to blow up or tell her to hide her tracks (they got caught via FB and coordinating Outlook calendars) but it just felt so awkward for the last 2 months or so.

[Anonymous]

I can see why she would not share that she's sleeping with a married man related to your job. That could've put you in an awkward position at work and she probably wanted to spare you that. It would be nice if you reach out to her now.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can see why she would not share that she's sleeping with a married man related to your job. That could've put you in an awkward position at work and she probably wanted to spare you that. It would be nice if you reach out to her now.

with a married man who has two children and is a senior executive. Depending on the company and its policies, OP may want to be careful about getting too close to the situation.

[Anonymous]

If she wanted your support she'd have asked for it.

[Anonymous]

If you're not worried about negative effect on you by being associated with her, then reach out to her. You don't have to be her BFF to be a friend. But be prepared to be the shoulder she possibly cries on. Do you want that?

You sound like a nice person, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she is your friend, why wouldn't you reach out?

Why would OP reach out if she doesn't agree morally or ethically with what the friend is doing?

[Anonymous]

I think it would be fine to give her a heads-up that everyone knows what is going on, but beyond that, you'd be complicit in something you say you disapprove of.

[Anonymous]

You can tell her that you are there for her as a friend, but keep her far away from your boyfriend/husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been at my workplace for 3 years and have worked closely with another female my age (late 20's). We hit it off as friends and have spent a lot of time outside of the office hanging out with our boyfriends and spending time socially. She recently became super withdrawn and I backed off, knowing she was going some through personal stuff (her and her boyfriend broke up, her dad was diagnosed with cancer, etc).

It turns out that she has been hooking up with a married man on our exec board for the last year and the exec is actively cheating on his wife with her - it's not just a rumor, it's confirmed. She is traveling for work this week so not in the office, but not sure if I should reach out as a friend and just tell her I'm there for her as a friend?

I don't know if her and the exec will be "punished" (I don't think they are going to be fired) and don't want to get involved from a workplace perspective, but we've been friends for years and I'm sure she is embarrassed and feels like everyone is talking trash about her (they totally are). If i were in her shoes, I would want to feel like I had an ally in the office, even someone to just grab a coffee with. On the other side, I guess we're not as close as I thought considering she hid this for a year (and I'm not totally cool with her dating a married father of 2) and i don't want to stick my nose into somewhere I don't belong. I'm pretty conflicted and would love some impartial insight. Thanks!

I wouldn't assume she is embarrassed. She may feel she is in the right and might consider their relationship to be very legit.
If you aren't ok with the situation and don't condone it, I wouldn't reach out to discuss the situation specifically.

[Anonymous]

I've had two friendships die due to their personal decisions that i have not agreed with and i sometime I think back to my reactions and wish I had been a bit more generous. We're all doing the best we can. Sometimes we make mistakes. Humiliation prevents us from asking for help. I think you can send her a text and say Hey, I'm think of you and will always be here if you want to talk. I've always regretted not reaching out to those two former friends.

[Anonymous]

I think you can be a friend without being involved with the scandal. Can't you have coffee with her and just talk about something else?

[Anonymous]

OP Here - thanks for your feedback. I think I am going to wait and say silent at this point. She has totally walled herself off (deleted all coworkers on social media - totally fine, I can see that; deleted access to her Outlook calendar which is annoying b/c we do work together) so until I see her in person later this week, I'm going to totally steer clear. Sucks to lose a friend like this, but I don't want to get sucked into work drama.