Dealing with oversensitive parents

[Anonymous]

Does anyone have issues with that? My mom gets upset about the most ridiculous things,and when she does, she remembers every way in which I wronged her. She does not see that unfortunately it's damaging our relationship, and at the same time, she can't comprehend why we are not BFFs. She's a good mom, and very helpful, but we are not friends because of this, because it's exhausting to overthink everything I say or do on the off chance that it might hurt her feelings.

What are some good strategies to deal with someone like that?

[Anonymous]

My mother takes everything personally and thinks everyone is watching/judging her all the time. Although I'm now in my 40s and she's pushing 70, we can't really be friends. Depending on how old your mother is, how busy she is, how self-reflective she is, she will probably never change. I think a good number of people simply cannot be friends with their parents. A good number would probably not even associate with their parents if it weren't for them being, well, their parents.

Because of how my mother is and the unhappy feeling I'm often left with after speaking with her on the phone, I keep my calls to a minimum. She's a very (at times, overly) devoted grandmother which is great for my kids, but for me, it means spending more time with her than I care to. For all the happiness she has in her life, she has a persecution complex and likes to keep score. She watches too much FOX too, which contributes to her "the world is going to hell in a handbasket" outlook on life. And if I don't agree the world is headed to hell, she's oversensitive and takes it as some kind of rejection and yet another sign that I lack good values.

She too likes to dig up and beat dead horses. Lots of you should've this, you could've that, etc. Hurling the past back into your face when she thinks she can win-- it's something I've realized at this point, that her and my father are often more focused on "winning" than just letting things go. Must always have the last word and feel like they've taught you a lesson.

So, I don't know. Shrug. There's little you can do about it. What's helped me is trying to see my parents for who they are. They are insecure, scared people who carry a lot of fear around and like to blame other people for things. As they get older, they get worse. It's their choice in the end to be that way, but it's my choice to decide how I use my time and how much BS I want to expose not only myself, but my DH and kids too as well. If your mother likes to be around your kids and babysit and it will cause more grief to cut visits short or cut out visits altogether, try to find a way to make it work for you. Get chores done, go to dinner with your husband and friends, start side projects, get a nap in, etc.

I feel ya.

[Anonymous]

Ha! I could have written a book on this, except it would have been about my mother in law. At first I had no idea how to handle her- the inexplicable and unexpected emotional breakdowns, the constant barrage of high drama emails, where she would literally respond line by line, picking apart and reading into every word I wrote. Communicating with her was like navigating a minefield that I could only dare to do if I was at the top of my mental and emotional game. It was crazy hard at first, but perhaps because I was an outsider with no history with her, I was able to come up with effective strategies for dealing with her.

The first thing, share the absolute minimum information. Keep it basic and matter of fact. Secondly, when she starts becoming inappropriate with you or crossing your boundaries, stop her immediately, by simply asking her to stop the inappropriate behavior. No explanation, no apology, no nothing, just a simple request to stop. And then drop it. Repeat as often as necessary. Thirdly, decide for yourself that you won't waste any of your time trying to change her, fix her, or enlighten her. It won't work, and you are also feeding her addiction for attention, to have the focus be on her. Finally, accept her with her faults, she is broken, but she is family and raised you in the best way she knew how at the time.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I refuse to coddle adults. Go to a shrink and get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

I've figured out my mom is most likely a BPD (borderline personality disorder).
http://outofthefog.website/personality-disorders-1/2015/12/6/borderline-personality-disorder-bpd

I'm currently in a "no contact" phase with her because I just can't deal with the stress. I wish there were more effective strategies for dealing with her but every little thing sets her off.

[Anonymous]

Don't say anything that you wouldn't say to a friend. No advice unless it's asked for, no criticism, no judgement. I'm guessing you/or she do not do this. Boundaries are important. It's not anything goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I refuse to coddle adults. Go to a shrink and get over yourself.

This. Ignore or go into therapy to learn to ignore.

[Anonymous]

Not my parents but my sister. I realize there is really nothing I can do because she can find a slight or judgement in just about anything. It's really her issue.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes, those who accuse others of oversensitivity are guilty of being insensitive. OP, do you allow for the possibility that your "good" and "very helpful" mother may sometimes have a valid reason to be upset? Your post does not seem to indicate that you do. My suggestion is to try to give her the benefit of the doubt in the future and try not to dismiss her feelings as ridiculous. If you are correct that she is just overly sensitive (and you are not insensitive), regarding her as ridiculous only hurts her more. Next time it comes up say nicely and respectfully, "Mom, when I said x I meant x. You seem upset. Is there another way I should say this?" If, by chance, you are actually less sensitive than you think, it may be an opportunity to open an instructive dialogue.

[Anonymous]

Don't ask for her help if you can't deal with how she acts.

She sounds exhausting but then she's giving you something she's under no obligation to give. Either suck it up or be independent.

[Anonymous]

Arms length is the only way to go. It's hard, not being able to share certain things. And eventually she'll catch on and possibly try to make you feel bad about "pushing her away". But you have live your life. Be kind and loving to her, but don't let things get too personal. Plan events with other people. Limit alone time.

The other thing is to get a thicker skin yourself. Stop worrying so much about upsetting her. She WILL get upset, it's a guarantee. So stop trying so hard to not upset her. Make sure you are being kind, and then if you know what you are doing is right, move forward without guilt.