Help for preschooler with anger issues and gross motor delay

[Anonymous]

I don't know if my question belongs in this forum or in general parenting, so I'll start by apologizing if I'm posting in the wrong place. We have a four year old son who has had some gross motor challenges - he received physical therapy through Montgomery County's infants and toddlers program for a year as a baby/toddler - and we have an evaluation scheduled next week because it looks like he needs additional therapy to support his gross and fine motor skills. He's in his second year of preschool, at a new school this year - and he's begun to have some serious anger issues, including hitting, kicking, and pulling hair at school. He has never behaved like this before, and I feel like we're really at a loss for what to do. We have a zero tolerance policy for hurting at home, and last week we began a zero tolerance policy at school (my idea) where they call me and I pick him up if something happens. So far, he's made it one full day out of four. He's a very smart boy (who reads at a level beyond that of his first grade sister), but something is wrong and I'm not sure how to help him.

If you've had a child who's had anger issues, what has helped? What has made things worse? I feel responsible, in large part because I stay at home/work from home part-time so he's with me more than anyone else, and I want so badly to fix this. He was such a sweet, smart boy before this behavior started and my heart breaks knowing others are seeing him only as the child who's out of control.

[Anonymous]

How are his language skills, OP?

[Anonymous]

With little kids installing zero tolerance policies when you have nothing to offer or help really doesn't work. It's a lot of you may not ever ever. Your child is upset and frustrated. The idea is not to forbid it, the idea is to help him. Be on his side. Don't make rules he can't possibly follow. A zero tolerance policy in your home? With what result? Expulsion?

[Anonymous]

Get him a full evaluation by a developmental pediatrician or child psychologist and not just an evaluation for gross and fine motor issues which will be done by an OT. You need to know what the problem is first before you can address it. The anger issue can be from anxiety, ADHD, etc or nothing - the preschool can just be a bad fit but you won't know until you get a full evaluation.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I would think picking him up from school early is rewarding the behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are his language skills, OP?

His language skills are great, which contributes to our frustration - he definitely has the words to express himself.

[Anonymous]

Definitely get him evaluated for speech delay. My DS acted out of frustration with not being able to communicate. He is a sweet child. He became like a monster when frustrated. Speech improved and with it so did behavior. Agree with OT evaluation too. He may have trouble regulating himself. Start there while you wait (usually a very long time) to get into a developmental pediatrician

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would think picking him up from school early is rewarding the behavior.

They will be asked to leave soon if it is a private preschool so early pickup is not going to make much of a difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would think picking him up from school early is rewarding the behavior.

We don't do fun things when he comes home early - I worried about that too but school liked the idea and said they have done it before. My thought was if he is hurting others, removing him from the situation would be the best way to stop it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get him a full evaluation by a developmental pediatrician or child psychologist and not just an evaluation for gross and fine motor issues which will be done by an OT. You need to know what the problem is first before you can address it. The anger issue can be from anxiety, ADHD, etc or nothing - the preschool can just be a bad fit but you won't know until you get a full evaluation.

Good luck!

Thank you - which of those would you start with, the developmental pediatrician or a child psychologist? We want to help him with whatever this is before he heads to elementary school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With little kids installing zero tolerance policies when you have nothing to offer or help really doesn't work. It's a lot of you may not ever ever. Your child is upset and frustrated. The idea is not to forbid it, the idea is to help him. Be on his side. Don't make rules he can't possibly follow. A zero tolerance policy in your home? With what result? Expulsion?

Zero tolerance at home as in, you hit your sister, you're going to have a time out every single time it happens. We are on his side and we're not trying to make rules he can't follow, but don't hit or kick other people seem like pretty basic rules - and they're rules he has to follow in order to attend school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get him a full evaluation by a developmental pediatrician or child psychologist and not just an evaluation for gross and fine motor issues which will be done by an OT. You need to know what the problem is first before you can address it. The anger issue can be from anxiety, ADHD, etc or nothing - the preschool can just be a bad fit but you won't know until you get a full evaluation.

Good luck!

Thank you - which of those would you start with, the developmental pediatrician or a child psychologist? We want to help him with whatever this is before he heads to elementary school.

Where are you? Who is doing the gross and fine motor eval? If you are getting the eval through childfind, you can ask them to do a psych ed evaluation in addition to the motor issues. They should be able to do it within 6 wks.

In the meantime, get on the waitlist at BOTH Children's and Kennedy Krieger Institutes to get a full developmental evaluation. The wait is long like several months but you can always cancel the other appointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get him a full evaluation by a developmental pediatrician or child psychologist and not just an evaluation for gross and fine motor issues which will be done by an OT. You need to know what the problem is first before you can address it. The anger issue can be from anxiety, ADHD, etc or nothing - the preschool can just be a bad fit but you won't know until you get a full evaluation.

Good luck!

Thank you - which of those would you start with, the developmental pediatrician or a child psychologist? We want to help him with whatever this is before he heads to elementary school.

Where are you? Who is doing the gross and fine motor eval? If you are getting the eval through childfind, you can ask them to do a psych ed evaluation in addition to the motor issues. They should be able to do it within 6 wks.

In the meantime, get on the waitlist at BOTH Children's and Kennedy Krieger Institutes to get a full developmental evaluation. The wait is long like several months but you can always cancel the other appointment.

We're in Maryland. Evaluation is with the Pediatric Development Center in Rockville. I will work on getting us on the waiting list at those places, thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get him a full evaluation by a developmental pediatrician or child psychologist and not just an evaluation for gross and fine motor issues which will be done by an OT. You need to know what the problem is first before you can address it. The anger issue can be from anxiety, ADHD, etc or nothing - the preschool can just be a bad fit but you won't know until you get a full evaluation.

Good luck!

While a full evaluation is a good idea, it could take up to 6 months to even get the appointment. You know what the behavior is so you can and should address it now. Regardless of what the evaluation shows, you're still going to have to experiment with several different wants to address the aggression, so that can start now with a visit to a child psychologist.

Also - since this is new behavior and a new school, you do have to consider whether or not it is something about the classroom that is causing the behavior. One thing you can do is get a psychologist to do a classroom observation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With little kids installing zero tolerance policies when you have nothing to offer or help really doesn't work. It's a lot of you may not ever ever. Your child is upset and frustrated. The idea is not to forbid it, the idea is to help him. Be on his side. Don't make rules he can't possibly follow. A zero tolerance policy in your home? With what result? Expulsion?

Zero tolerance at home as in, you hit your sister, you're going to have a time out every single time it happens. We are on his side and we're not trying to make rules he can't follow, but don't hit or kick other people seem like pretty basic rules - and they're rules he has to follow in order to attend school.

Read Kazdin. While punishments have their place, the key is to develop and teach positive behaviors. At four years old, lecturs & time outs are not enough to teach positive behaviors.