Poor Behavior/No birthday party
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Anonymous
| DD will be turning 6 soon. She's usually a pleasant child and well behaved. However, her behavior has completely deteriorated the last few months. I can't quite figure out what the problem is. I don't think it's her transition to kindergarten because she really likes her teacher and quickly made friends in kindergarten. However, at home, her behavior awful, yelling, hitting (we never hit the children), not sharing with her sister, constantly kicking the back of my car when she is sitting in her booster when I am driving, being difficult with the babysitter, refusing to get ready in the morning until about 10 minutes before the school bus arrives, etc. Regular consequences are not working. Is it too harsh to say no birthday party because of poor behavior? I've already told her she has to be good for a birthday and she hasn't. DH thinks it's a cruel punishment not to do a party. We were planning a small birthday anyway but that's not the point. I'm at my wits end. I have no idea what else to do. |
Anonymous
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If you read through the posts here, you'll see a lot of people having similar issues with 6 yos (myself included). Some posters offer good strategies. When my kid does this, there is usually something stressing him out, and the awful behavior is temporary. But it's maddening in the meantime.
I think taking away the party is too harsh/mean. But maybe insist she help with the planning and preparing in productive, responsible ways. |
Anonymous
| Taking away the birthday party would be a consequence related to the behavior, but doesn't address the problems/challenges causing the behavior and would probably not result in a change to her behavior after the fact. Behavior is communication. Through her behavior, your DD is communicating that she is having challenges with meeting your expectations for her. Your expectations are reasonable so try to problem solve with her - next time any of the behaviors happen, try asking her what's going on/what is making it difficult for her to do what she is supposed to be doing? |
Anonymous
| Way too harsh and not sufficiently related to the behavior. |
Anonymous
| Is she getting enough one on one time with you and DH at home? She could be continuing to act out if it gets a reaction/attention from you - for kids, negative attention is better than not enough focused attention. Try time-in: 20 minutes a day with you or DH in an area/room with no distractions (sib not in there), no phone, etc. Ask DD what she wants to do. You give her your undivided attention and participate in an activity of her choosing for 20 min. Don't ask any questions/don't try to teach anything, just go along with what she wants to do (even if it's playing a game where she changes all the rules for example). Rather than asking questions, make observations/narrate what you see her doing. |
Anonymous
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It actually sounds like she's being bullied at school based on your description of her home behavior. The bullying may be subtle so even if her teacher or her do t say anything it may still be happening.
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Anonymous
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I don't think taking away a party is too harsh- but it could a) punish the parents throwing the party who have had to pay for your child's slot at the venue or whatever and b) be too divorced from the event to be meaningful.
What are the "usual consequences" that aren't working? Perhaps those aren't the right consequences in the first place. Start there. Also, how much sleep is she getting and is she eating enough? Kindergarteners sometimes don't eat- they're too busy socializing and "forget." My son is in 1st grade- he needs to eat a really GOOD snack as soon as he comes home for optimal behavior. |
Anonymous
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When my kid acts like this (he's 5.5), I've found that killing him with kindness works the best. Are you SAH? Maybe your daughter is jealous of younger siblings who get much more time with you now that she's in school all day?
I would try that first and see if it's an improvement. I know how frustrating it is! I have a tough one too. |
Anonymous
| Also, I think that taking away the party is cruel, and will not help the situation. |
Anonymous
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I would not base behavior on a party, but I would base it on going out, tv/tablet time, playdates, etc. I agree feed a big snack after school. My son is foul till I do. I would also harness her again if she cannot behave in a booster seat. We didn't change to a HBB till 6.5 and when we did we made it clear any poor behavior results in going back to a harness.
I would make her earn privileges. Poor behavior in the morning, no tv, etc. Or poor behavior in PM is 20 minute early bed time. |
Anonymous
| I don't think it's too harsh but I also don't think it's enough to do just that. She won't like it but I don't think it'll have the effect you are looking for of fixing her behavior. |
Anonymous
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Taking away her party will not improve her behavior. Equally important: having a party will not cause her behavior to worsen, or send a message that her behavior is OK. The two are really unrelated, especially in the mind of a 6 year old.
I think you may be dismissing the transition to Kindergarten too quickly. Kindergarten is hard. For some kids, it takes everything they have to hold it together and meet the expectations all day. Then at home they fall apart because that is their safe place. If you are really at your wits end, make an appointment with a child psychologist. Likely within a few appointments the psychologist could give you some strategies that will help, and be able to rule out that anything big is going on. When my son was being difficult in Pre-K we saw someone 6 or 7 times total. The first 3 or 4 appointments were weekly, then after we had a behavior plan in place we did follow ups as needed. I really helped us get through a rough patch. He didn't get diagnosed with anything, BTW. |
Anonymous
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How far away is the birthday? I would use this time as a "good behavior probation period" and really work WITH her to earn the party. She was born, so she gets a birthday. BUT, how she treats her family and friends is what earns her a big celebration. At six, she's old enough to understand what's at stake. You need her help in order to bring the party together, and if she's not helpful, well, what can you do? Cutting it with that kicking your seat would be a strong first step. See where this approach gets you. You always have the chance to not allow it to move forward. Planning in step with her positive involvement would give her opportunities to skip the ugly stuff and choose to behave as you expect her to--especially now that she is six (or seven?) years old. |
Anonymous
+1 It sounds like she's overtired. How much is she sleeping? |
Anonymous
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There are tons of previous threads about kids changing personality and having behavior issues in K and I think a lot of it is getting used to a new schedule and the long day.
Don't underestimate the stress of having to sit still all day long! It could be just this and if so it will pass.I know it seems awful now |