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Divorced mothers w/ little one(s): How hard is it really?
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Anonymous
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I am in a loveless marriage and we have a 12 month old. No abuse or infidelity in the marriage...but in my heart I know I don't love him anymore, and I don't think he loves me either. We get along day-to-day if we sweep our problems under the rug, but if we discuss them it devolves into a yelling match with horrible insults on his part and heavy crying on my part. So I'm thinking of leaving. I know that he would want shared custody, and my understanding is that that is what the courts lean towards and probably what would end up happening. So I'm curious to hear from divorced mothers with some form of shared custody: how bad is it? I dread the thoughts of going days, or even one day, without seeing my precious little one. And how bad is the back-and-forth for the little one? (I realize all kids are different but I'm looking for a general sense.) I feel like my little one is so attached to her one home, her one crib....I'd love to hear other divorced moms' perspectives on all this. Part of me wants to leave this marriage so badly because I feel I deserve better and I hold out hope that I might be able to find happiness out there, but I am terrified. And I guess I am wondering if I am being selfish, too, by thinking of my own happiness when this could be so difficult on dd......
TIA. |
Anonymous
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I'm sorry for you, and I wish I had some good practical advice, but I don't.
I will say this: Your happiness and your child's happiness are connected. Your child will not be happy if she grows up in a two-parent family where her Mom is miserable. Kids are surprisingly flexible, so I think you should do what you need to do. It will be hard at first, but it will get easier. The other reason not to stay in the marraige for your child is this: your child (daughter?) learns from her parents about what to expect in a relationship. If you are settling for being miserable, your child is much more likely to grow up and do the same. There is no shame in divorce. Do what is best for yourself. It's not selfish. In fact, its part of being a good parent. |
Anonymous
| I hear you, I am there too. I would recommend counseling for what it is worth. But consider waiting a bit since tese years are sooo hard. Although I have heard that children suffer the least if divorce occurs before age two or after twenty. The little one will make dating very difficult. It wont be like the pre children days. |
Anonymous
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I would agree with PP to try counseling first. You never know, the love may come back.
It sounds as if you and your DH do care about each other and it's WONDERFUL that your DH wants to be fully involved in raising your child - whether married or divorce. You'll probably have to tell yourself that over and over again. A solution that I've heard (that I would choose should divorce come my way) is for yourself and your ex to switch houses, while your child stays in the same house. 3.5 days each and then the other goes off to live in a smaller place close by. After all, your child isn't choosing the divorce - so why should the moving around fall on him or her? I think this arrangement would work wonders for parents who are friendly and committed to raising their kid(s) together. Though I also couldn't imagine being apart from my child for a few days each week, think of all the positives! You can read a book! Take a bath. See girlfriends. Go to the gym. See a therapist. Go on dates. Get your hair done. Take a class. It can be a positive force. good luck. I'm not divorced, but have many friends who are and from what I've seen, the best arrangement for the kids is for both parents to be involved (even if that means you don't get to see them everyday). |
Anonymous
| I hope this is taken in the spirit intended. Saying that the love is gone and wondering that you might be able to do better make it sound like you don't yet have a matured understanding regarding what is not working in your marriage. I am not at all saying your marriage is fine, but it is worth getting counseling to be clear what your needs and expectations are that aren't being met here (and if they are realistic). Your child is 12 months. The first year as parents is HARD and many of us probably feel at times that "the love is gone" but that might be a product of the overwhelming changes you've been facing together. This is a personal question but, was this child planned? If so, I presume the love was there not that long ago. You absolutely deserve to be happy. The path to happiness might not require divorce though. |
Anonymous
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While the idea of a divorced couple trading off time in the family house is appealing, can you imagine the practicality? Mom would come back after three days to mounds of laundry, piles of pizza boxes, filthy bathrooms. She'd spend one of her precious custody days putting the place back together. Then, Dad waltzes back in to a clean, orderly home. It would be enough to make one get a divorce, if one weren't divorced already!
(Anyone tempted to say that HER male partner wouldn't act that way: I was amazed at the direct correlation between our relationship and his willingness to contribute to the housework. Simply amazed.) |
Anonymous
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Hey, PP, that is so not cool. I am not only tempted to say that my male partner would not act that way, I know for a fact he would not because I know how he lived before we were married. And I would never have married a slovenly manchild who can't cook. If you did it's on you, so don't make hateful generalizations like that.
P.S. However I agree that the idea of sharing a house in that way does not seem practical. Among other things, you'd have to support three households between the two of you. |
Anonymous
No, you'd have to support 2 households, not 3. I'm the poster who suggested the idea. The couple (ex-couple, I suppsoe) whom I know are doing this: They have a 2 bedroom and a 1 bedroom. They live just 2 blocks from one another. Before the divorce, they had house, which they sold. Their 2 rents now equal less than their 1 mortgage. $3400/month vs. $5,000/month. They split the rent equally ($1700 each) and split utilities, cable, childcare. The only thing they don't split is food, but I'm honestly not sure how they work that out, as far as the baby's food and their food. Maybe they have a common pot. So, they basically share everything. It's highly unusual, I know - but I think it's genius. |
Anonymous
How dare you! I didn't marry a "slovenly manchild". Sure, it might be partially "on me" that my marriage tanked, but for me to open up about the biggest disappointment of my life-- the fact that my formerly attentive, kind, considerate husband has begun showing his dissatisfaction in a way he knows will bring out the worst in me, and have you come out with an ad hominem attack??? Further, for all your high-and-mightiness about your spouse-picking prowess, I would venture that a majority of women believe they do more than 50% of the housework, even in the happiest marriages. So hurrah for you, dear, that you got The Good One. I'm sure he'll never change, leaving you hurt, bewildered, and alone. |
Anonymous
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I'm divorced but I didn't have children in my first marriage so I can't give you the kind of insight you are looking for. You might want to try attending a Parents Without Partners meeting. You might find people with more experience at divorced parenting there. It looks like there's a local chapter in the D.C. area:
Washington D.C. P.O. Box 2889 Montgomery Village, MD 20886-2889 http://www.pwp60.org (202) 638-1320 (301) 588-9354 |
Anonymous
| It is a neat idea but how does that arrangement work when one of the parent's want to have a relationship with another person? Eventually people will want to get remarried |
Anonymous
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It's a neat idea that, I believe, is catching on. I know I recently read about this in some publication . . . argh! Can't remember which one.
It is logistically difficult, yes. But, if the parents can put aside their differences and try to be amicable then it can work (sweeping generalization, I know considering how my parents were when they divorced). It certainly would be easier on the kids, I would think, if this sort of situation could work for a period of time after the divorce while the kids adjust. Lots of assumptions here, I realize. |
Anonymous
| I think that the parents moving in and out of the house could give the child the wrong idea of who is in charge i.e. the parents or the child. Also, whose house is it. |
Anonymous
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I think everyone is getting too focused on the idea of keeping the child in one house. That's not really the issue the OP is asking, right? The OP is trying to figure out if she can handle taking the step to divorce.
I think the most important step is that you truly consider some counseling first. It's worth one last shot before you say "It's over." I can tell you, I HATED that first year my son was born. My baby was great; my husband was not. I was certain I'd leave him. But here it is and I have a 2 year old and I still have my husband. How? I sat down and though about what was really bothering me (not enough help, being ignored, feeling taken for granted etc) and put real examples with each. Then I sat down and had a heart to heart with my husband. And I also told him that I was on the verge of quitting the relationship, so I needed him to step it up. He knew I was serious. It's still a work in progress but we're getting there. It may not work for you, but it's always worth one solid try before you divorce. |
Anonymous
| To Op: Please keep in mind that your feelings could have everything to do with the stresses associated with the birth of your child. Think clearly and get counseling. Is there post partum depression? Good luck. |