Divorced mothers w/ little one(s): How hard is it really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey, PP, that is so not cool. I am not only tempted to say that my male partner would not act that way, I know for a fact he would not because I know how he lived before we were married. And I would never have married a slovenly manchild who can't cook. If you did it's on you, so don't make hateful generalizations like that.

How dare you! I didn't marry a "slovenly manchild". Sure, it might be partially "on me" that my marriage tanked, but for me to open up about the biggest disappointment of my life-- the fact that my formerly attentive, kind, considerate husband has begun showing his dissatisfaction in a way he knows will bring out the worst in me, and have you come out with an ad hominem attack???

Further, for all your high-and-mightiness about your spouse-picking prowess, I would venture that a majority of women believe they do more than 50% of the housework, even in the happiest marriages. So hurrah for you, dear, that you got The Good One. I'm sure he'll never change, leaving you hurt, bewildered, and alone.

Dude, you made a hateful statement that dissed all men and then dared us ("for those of you who are tempted to say...") to defend the men we love. I am sorry it hurt your feelings (impossible to tell tone on posting boards, so please read this in your most sincere voice in your head because I really mean it). However, this idea that men are somehow constitutionally incompetent in or unconcerned about housework is the easiest, lamest slam on a whole group of people there is (with the possible exception of calling southerners stupid) and it bothers me on behalf of men everywhere.

[Anonymous]

Let's stick to OP's issue.

[Anonymous]

I've been separated from my ex since my son was 13 months old. My ex chooses to be uninvolved for the most part so I can't speak to the notion of shared custody.
I agree with other PP, please at least seek counselling to understand what problems exist in your marriage. Those problems are sure to come up even after divorce - and if not worked out, could make shared custody strained or put the child in the middle of the conflict. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

I am not divorced but did marry someone who did get divorced when their dd was 18 months. DD is a happy, mostly well-adjusted child, although at different ages (she's now 7.5) the topic has come up in a variety of ways. In this world, where there are so many different kind of families (two moms, divorce, bi-racial parents, mixed religion, etc) it is no longer so "weird" to have divorced parents. That said, I don't think that there is a child alive who deep down doesn't really just want their parents to be together. On the other hand, her parents are now both in healthy, happy and loving relationships and I have to believe that in the long run this will be better for her then growing up in a family where there is little love, which might even deteriorate into something worse like constant fighting/crying. Getting divorced is difficult for a number of reasons. You should be very happy if your dh wants to participate in your child's life as this is a tremendous effort and sharing the child is in the best interest of everyone. It is very difficult to spend nights away from either parent (and for the parent away from the child) but divorce is an adjustment for everyone.

As an aside, and I agree that too much is being talked about this idea or moving in and out of the original house, but I don't think that that is a good idea at all. Part of helping your child heal from a divorce is healing yourself and healing for you ex-spouse. I think that this process is much better done when there are two distinct households where both of you can start to have a private life (I'm sure you're not thinking about that yet, but it will hopefully happen). I also feel that it's a creative solution, but more of a holding pattern for everyone and not really realistic in the face of the facts that your family isn't one unit anymore.

I do agree that 12 months is very young to make this decision and that the first year of having a child can be very rough on a relationship. I would definitely seek counciling before a divorce lawyer just to make sure that it's not something else that can be fixed. Although I think people know in their hearts what works and what doesn't. Good luck with all your decisions. They are difficult and you will question them for a long time, but do what you think is the right thing and it will work out.

[Anonymous]

My dad use to say " the problem with lovers is they become mothers". I think he is right. We pour so much love into our children, it can seem like there is nothing left for our husbands. How would you feel if you did not have children? Do you think it contributed to the lack of love? I would do any thing to try and bring the love back. Children need to have there parents. But if it could not be, leave now while the child does not have a memory of the two of you together, and know you have to share the child.

[Anonymous]

My sister, and several of my close friends, all spoke to me about potentially divorcing their husbands within the first year of their having their first child, all based on a feeling that the love was gone and similar thoughts. In every single case, they stuck it out for a while longer and found that the love came back, for most of them even moreso than it existed pre-children. Please, give both yourself and your husband a break. This can be such a stressful time, but it does pass. At least please do consider counseling. I am not intending to dismiss your thoughts or concerns, it's just that so many people seem to go through similar situations and wind up happily married in the end.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP - relationships change and I would bet many of us fall 'in' and 'out' of love with our spouses over time. Not to say there is never a reason for divorce and that it is not at times the best solution for everyone. You have a lot to consider and as many have said now ( 12 months) is a difficult time - and I would think difficult to be a single parent. I hope at least the advice of many of the PP have given you some things to consider before you make your decision.

[Anonymous]

I can speak from my perspective on this. I divorced my ex at age 27 with an 18 m/o. It was the right thing to do in 20/20 hindsight - - for ME. It was probably the right thing to do for my son so that he wouldn't have to grow up in that household, but you'd have to ask him. I'd wager he'd have a different answer.

A couple of things I learned from that: 1) you never really divorce the father of your child. If anything, you exert even LESS influence over his decisions and life gets harder. Divorce does not give you an easy pass to escape dealing with that man. 2) Don't underestimate the long-term effect divorce will have on your children, you, and your finances. Mostly on your child. Counselors will tell you kids process things at stages (roughly age 5 as they start to deal with some abstracts, age 10, and age 15) Each stage, they grieve the loss again at a different level. I can't describe how it broke my heart to see my 3 y/o son fall to peices crying himself to sleep every Wednesday night after Daddy dropped him off back at my house.

Don't make the decision lightly. Do everything in your power to reconcile, to find the good in him, to try until you have nothing left to give. Be able to tell your child when s/he's old enough to ask you, that you did everything you could to save the marriage. That's all. You'll have that to hold onto when the emotional toll kicks in - - my son still longs for an intact family, and he's never known one. He understands it will never happen, and in fact, it never really existed.

Put it another way, my second marriage is worse than my first, but I won't leave unless it just gets intolerable because I know what's behind door #2 and it's not an easy pass! It can actually get more complicated... Just my own personal experience, your mileage may vary! but please get counseling and take your time deciding. Best of luck to you!

[Anonymous]

22:47 poster again...

The second question you posed: it's not impossible to raise a child on your own. Especially with only one child. If you do leave, you'll be able to meet the challenge no doubt. In some ways, it can be easier mentally because the household is calmer and more predictable. My ex never helped out, didn't hold a job or plan to get one ever, and we fought all the time. I was one of the few women whose net worth probably ROSE after I divorced my husband. I did fine, and my bond with my son is AMAZING! We are totally best buds, I adore him and he is a happy well-adjusted kid whom his teachers adore. Everyone who knows him loves him.

Just be ready to do all the work, get a nanny or be near supportive family, etc. I don't want to go on at length with a rah-rah "leave him" speech because you can see from my first post, I don't recommend divorce based on my own experience. But don't doom yourself thinking life doesn't go on, because it does.

Try to find some peace, and sort all this out. Only you know what's best for you and your child.

[Anonymous]

I am separated with two small children. How easy it will be will depend on your relationship with your ex. As a PP said, he doesn’t go away. If he does go away, that brings up different problems.

Finances: This will take a big hit! The costs of daycare are high and you have to count on his ability to pay the daycare/child support or his share. Not to mention the costs of the divorce (lawyers are $250-$500/hour), moving (moving truck $1K), and other setup costs, doctor costs, etc. You better have a savings account and a job. Of course the money you have is yours to spend and you don’t have to consult anyone.

Emotional: Living in a bad situation is stressful and I am happy I left. But if you share custody, you will miss out on the day to day when your ex has the child. The child at such a young age can’t tell you what happened and at an older age may choose not to. You could also get jealous of the fun things the kid did with Dad. If you have primary custody, like 80/20, the ex has more of a tendency to fade out of the kid’s life and not keep commitments to your child. That is very hard on your child and can be heartbreaking (seen it with a friend of mine). If you have 50/50 or 60/40 like me, you have to keep in constant negotiation/contact with your ex and things get mixed up between the two homes. The child may not feel like they have a single home. On the positive, if you have shared custody, you will get a break to do something just for yourself (like sleep in) and appreciate the child that much more when you have them. So the child gets more of yours and your ex’s individual attention. As we have very liberal visitation so I see the children a lot more than the schedule shows, so I get to go to my child’s event or play with them, then go home and do something uninterrupted. Then I have over a week where it’s just me fulltime Mom. Under the age of 3, my youngest child regressed a bit (potty training) and became excessively clingy for awhile. But now is back on track.

Friends: Your married friends will get divided between you and you will not get invited to a lot of events anymore as they are couple oriented. You will connect more with old friends however.

Work: It’s all on you to pick up and drop off. You’ll need to schedule meetings around everything. At home, how hard will depend on your custody. An 80/20 means you have the child almost constantly with no help, unless you move in with a relative. 60/40 like me gives you a break.

Relationship with Ex: I have a cooperative relationship with my ex which is helping with the costs of the divorce and makes things way less hard on the children (We get along better now than when married). The children actually adjusted fairly well as there was a lot of stress in the house pre-divorce. We also live less than a mile apart so the children keep the same friends, daycare/schools, and routines. At your child’s age that’s less an issue. But if you two are accrimonious, and it can get nasty from what I’ve seen, this can have a very negative effect on the well being of the child and your pocketbook. I’ve seen it turn into power plays for years between the two exes which takes out all flexibility in their visitations and impromptu changes. I’ve also seen where the ex fades out and my friend has to explain to their 4 year old why Daddy didn’t come when promised, after he spent the day looking out the window (for 5th time in 8 visits). So now she doesn’t tell him when his days are and the DS isn’t able to mentally prepare himself when ex does show up.

So get counseling first. We did for over a year. It didn't save the marriage, but it helped deal with each other after the seperation.