please help with my mother

[Anonymous]

My mother is staying with me for the next month and she's driving me crazy.

I got sick this week, with what is obviously just some bad viral crud. She has been harping on me the entire time about going to the doctor. "You need antibiotics." I've reminded her (ok, argued with her) about antibiotic resistance and the costs of healthcare due to people like her who go in for every little thing and she's totally deaf to it. She takes my son outside to play and then guilt me because she's watching him and I'm not. So we argued again and I screamed at her in the front yard that I wasn't coming out to watch him and he could play inside while I laid on the couch and watched him (high fever). To which she replied, "If you feel that bad, you need to see a doctor." %$#@!

I'm now on the mend, but am not 100% and probably won't be for another week. And what she really doesn't understand is that if I can't rest, it'll take longer for me to be well.

Help. Ignoring her hasn't worked, and educating her hasn't worked. I even tried kicking her out, and that didn't work either.

[Anonymous]

"Thanks Mom, but I've got it"
"Thanks Mom, I'll think about it"
"Thanks mom. Ok."

Also, your mom is not responsible for your feelings. If she tries to make you feel guilty, it's your job not to let yourself feel guilty. You should have stayed inside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Thanks Mom, but I've got it"
"Thanks Mom, I'll think about it"
"Thanks mom. Ok."

Also, your mom is not responsible for your feelings. If she tries to make you feel guilty, it's your job not to let yourself feel guilty. You should have stayed inside.

Except I should be watching my child. But I'm not going to watch him outside, where I have to remain upright and expend energy getting dressed and chasing him around. That's ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Thanks Mom, but I've got it"
"Thanks Mom, I'll think about it"
"Thanks mom. Ok."

Also, your mom is not responsible for your feelings. If she tries to make you feel guilty, it's your job not to let yourself feel guilty. You should have stayed inside.

Except I should be watching my child. But I'm not going to watch him outside, where I have to remain upright and expend energy getting dressed and chasing him around. That's ridiculous.

Why? Why can't she watch him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Thanks Mom, but I've got it"
"Thanks Mom, I'll think about it"
"Thanks mom. Ok."

Also, your mom is not responsible for your feelings. If she tries to make you feel guilty, it's your job not to let yourself feel guilty. You should have stayed inside.

Except I should be watching my child. But I'm not going to watch him outside, where I have to remain upright and expend energy getting dressed and chasing him around. That's ridiculous.

Why? Why can't she watch him?

Because she will use her "babysitting" against me, i.e., call me a poor mother for not playing with him enough. Don't get me wrong, she adores him, but she will use him against me.

She's a toxic person.

[Anonymous]

This is why I'm happy my mother lives on the other side of the Atlantic.

She's also the type to go to the doc at the drop of a hat. She can't control what comes out of her mouth, and she's a superstar worrier - very bad combination. Major NAGGING, on every subject under the sun. UGH.

Why don't you suggest she go home early? Thank her for watching your kid, send her a gift when she arrives home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Thanks Mom, but I've got it"
"Thanks Mom, I'll think about it"
"Thanks mom. Ok."

Also, your mom is not responsible for your feelings. If she tries to make you feel guilty, it's your job not to let yourself feel guilty. You should have stayed inside.

Except I should be watching my child. But I'm not going to watch him outside, where I have to remain upright and expend energy getting dressed and chasing him around. That's ridiculous.

Why? Why can't she watch him?

Because she will use her "babysitting" against me, i.e., call me a poor mother for not playing with him enough. Don't get me wrong, she adores him, but she will use him against me.

She's a toxic person.

And if she says those things, you say, "Ok." And change the subject. Rinse, repeat. This is what they mean when people say "drop the rope" - don't tug back.

PS- Why is she in your house?

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like an ungrateful bitch. Don't ever scream at your mother in public. That's so disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds like an ungrateful bitch. Don't ever scream at your mother in public. That's so disrespectful.

Hi OP's mom!

[Anonymous]

I'm not usually in favor of lying, but in this case I'd tell her you're taking her advice and going to see a doctor. Get in the car, go out for a couple of hours to get a break - even if it's just sitting in the car with a hot drink and a book somewhere and then come home and tell her that the doctor said you need to stay in bed for a week and a you also need to try to avoid being around your son so that you are less likely to pass your illness on to him. Ask if she's willing to help with your doctor's instructions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
This is why I'm happy my mother lives on the other side of the Atlantic.

She's also the type to go to the doc at the drop of a hat. She can't control what comes out of her mouth, and she's a superstar worrier - very bad combination. Major NAGGING, on every subject under the sun. UGH.

Why don't you suggest she go home early? Thank her for watching your kid, send her a gift when she arrives home.

Yes, nagging and worrying. Ugh. Why can't they understand that it's not a good thing to head to the doctor over every sniffle? I'd have gone - really - but my gut said I didn't need to. And now that I'm on the upswing, I know I made the right call, but because I'm not totally better, nope.

I did try to send her home, she won't go.

And it's a long story of why she's here to begin with. I am being ungrateful probably, but I cannot take it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not usually in favor of lying, but in this case I'd tell her you're taking her advice and going to see a doctor. Get in the car, go out for a couple of hours to get a break - even if it's just sitting in the car with a hot drink and a book somewhere and then come home and tell her that the doctor said you need to stay in bed for a week and a you also need to try to avoid being around your son so that you are less likely to pass your illness on to him. Ask if she's willing to help with your doctor's instructions.

I see your point, but I really hate caving to her hypochondria.

[Anonymous]

http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/narcissistic-mother-survey/

Have a look.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is why I'm happy my mother lives on the other side of the Atlantic.

She's also the type to go to the doc at the drop of a hat. She can't control what comes out of her mouth, and she's a superstar worrier - very bad combination. Major NAGGING, on every subject under the sun. UGH.

Why don't you suggest she go home early? Thank her for watching your kid, send her a gift when she arrives home.

Yes, nagging and worrying. Ugh. Why can't they understand that it's not a good thing to head to the doctor over every sniffle? I'd have gone - really - but my gut said I didn't need to. And now that I'm on the upswing, I know I made the right call, but because I'm not totally better, nope.

I did try to send her home, she won't go.

And it's a long story of why she's here to begin with. I am being ungrateful probably, but I cannot take it anymore.

Stop trying to reason with her. This is really just a battle for control. Nod, smile and change the subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is why I'm happy my mother lives on the other side of the Atlantic.

She's also the type to go to the doc at the drop of a hat. She can't control what comes out of her mouth, and she's a superstar worrier - very bad combination. Major NAGGING, on every subject under the sun. UGH.

Why don't you suggest she go home early? Thank her for watching your kid, send her a gift when she arrives home.

Yes, nagging and worrying. Ugh. Why can't they understand that it's not a good thing to head to the doctor over every sniffle? I'd have gone - really - but my gut said I didn't need to. And now that I'm on the upswing, I know I made the right call, but because I'm not totally better, nope.

I did try to send her home, she won't go.

And it's a long story of why she's here to begin with. I am being ungrateful probably, but I cannot take it anymore.

PP you're responding to - I understand what you're going through. Seems like we have the same kind of mother!
If her stay cannot be shortened (and I hope it won't be lengthened!), the best you can do is not engage, and tuner her out as much as possible.
"Why don't you do X, Y, Z? I really need you to do X, Y, Z.
- Hm hm. Doing laundry now.
- Why haven't you done it yet? It's been hours and you haven't done X, Y, Z.
- Hm hm. Let's go for a walk with DS.
- Well? It's the end of the day, and you haven't done it! *Worry, worry, nag, nag. Blame everyone in sight.*
- Right, hm hm. Maybe tomorrow.
- Aren't listening to me? You have no respect for your old mother. I've suffered so much for you! Etc...
- Love you, Mom. Good night."

Rinse, wash, repeat.
It's hard to be the bigger person when you're talking to your own mother and she's the childish one. Feels so weird.