please help with my mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is why I'm happy my mother lives on the other side of the Atlantic.

She's also the type to go to the doc at the drop of a hat. She can't control what comes out of her mouth, and she's a superstar worrier - very bad combination. Major NAGGING, on every subject under the sun. UGH.

Why don't you suggest she go home early? Thank her for watching your kid, send her a gift when she arrives home.

Yes, nagging and worrying. Ugh. Why can't they understand that it's not a good thing to head to the doctor over every sniffle? I'd have gone - really - but my gut said I didn't need to. And now that I'm on the upswing, I know I made the right call, but because I'm not totally better, nope.

I did try to send her home, she won't go.

And it's a long story of why she's here to begin with. I am being ungrateful probably, but I cannot take it anymore.

PP you're responding to - I understand what you're going through. Seems like we have the same kind of mother!
If her stay cannot be shortened (and I hope it won't be lengthened!), the best you can do is not engage, and tuner her out as much as possible.
"Why don't you do X, Y, Z? I really need you to do X, Y, Z.
- Hm hm. Doing laundry now.
- Why haven't you done it yet? It's been hours and you haven't done X, Y, Z.
- Hm hm. Let's go for a walk with DS.
- Well? It's the end of the day, and you haven't done it! *Worry, worry, nag, nag. Blame everyone in sight.*
- Right, hm hm. Maybe tomorrow.
- Aren't listening to me? You have no respect for your old mother. I've suffered so much for you! Etc...
- Love you, Mom. Good night."

Rinse, wash, repeat.
It's hard to be the bigger person when you're talking to your own mother and she's the childish one. Feels so weird.

Sounds like you know the passive aggressive loud sign and "FINE".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Thanks Mom, but I've got it"
"Thanks Mom, I'll think about it"
"Thanks mom. Ok."

Also, your mom is not responsible for your feelings. If she tries to make you feel guilty, it's your job not to let yourself feel guilty. You should have stayed inside.

Except I should be watching my child. But I'm not going to watch him outside, where I have to remain upright and expend energy getting dressed and chasing him around. That's ridiculous.

Why? Why can't she watch him?

Because she will use her "babysitting" against me, i.e., call me a poor mother for not playing with him enough. Don't get me wrong, she adores him, but she will use him against me.

She's a toxic person.

Then why in the hell is she staying in your house for a month?

You have bigger problems here, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Thanks Mom, but I've got it"
"Thanks Mom, I'll think about it"
"Thanks mom. Ok."

Also, your mom is not responsible for your feelings. If she tries to make you feel guilty, it's your job not to let yourself feel guilty. You should have stayed inside.

Except I should be watching my child. But I'm not going to watch him outside, where I have to remain upright and expend energy getting dressed and chasing him around. That's ridiculous.

Why? Why can't she watch him?

Because she will use her "babysitting" against me, i.e., call me a poor mother for not playing with him enough. Don't get me wrong, she adores him, but she will use him against me.

She's a toxic person.

Then why in the hell is she staying in your house for a month?

You have bigger problems here, OP.

No, her toxicity is pretty much the biggest problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Thanks Mom, but I've got it"
"Thanks Mom, I'll think about it"
"Thanks mom. Ok."

Also, your mom is not responsible for your feelings. If she tries to make you feel guilty, it's your job not to let yourself feel guilty. You should have stayed inside.

Except I should be watching my child. But I'm not going to watch him outside, where I have to remain upright and expend energy getting dressed and chasing him around. That's ridiculous.

I've taken a blanket and pillow outside and snuggled up on a lounge chair to "watch" my kids.

[Anonymous]

If you know your mother is toxic you should not have her in your house for a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not usually in favor of lying, but in this case I'd tell her you're taking her advice and going to see a doctor. Get in the car, go out for a couple of hours to get a break - even if it's just sitting in the car with a hot drink and a book somewhere and then come home and tell her that the doctor said you need to stay in bed for a week and a you also need to try to avoid being around your son so that you are less likely to pass your illness on to him. Ask if she's willing to help with your doctor's instructions.

Lol. This is what I was going to suggest. And tell her the doc refused to give you antibiotics.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you're still too enmeshed with your mom and her toxic dynamic. Face it, you won't change her, so you can only start in yourself and create your coping strategies that shut her down and create distance and boundaries so you don't end up in a screaming match. I went through this in my 20s with my mom, until I finally had enough and realized it had to be me who disengages. Know what your buttons are and block her from pushing them.

You haven't explained why she has to stay with you for a month. If she's so toxic, what possible reason could you have to let her stay with you a month, barring some emergency and her having nowhere else to go?

[Anonymous]

Just pick your battle. Regardless if she gonna use it against you. You're sick. Go get rest. Leave it to your mom to take care of the child. That way you get better faster and can take over taking care of your child. It's simple as that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother is staying with me for the next month and she's driving me crazy.

I got sick this week, with what is obviously just some bad viral crud. She has been harping on me the entire time about going to the doctor. "You need antibiotics." I've reminded her (ok, argued with her) about antibiotic resistance and the costs of healthcare due to people like her who go in for every little thing and she's totally deaf to it. She takes my son outside to play and then guilt me because she's watching him and I'm not. So we argued again and I screamed at her in the front yard that I wasn't coming out to watch him and he could play inside while I laid on the couch and watched him (high fever). To which she replied, "If you feel that bad, you need to see a doctor." %$#@!

I'm now on the mend, but am not 100% and probably won't be for another week. And what she really doesn't understand is that if I can't rest, it'll take longer for me to be well.

Help. Ignoring her hasn't worked, and educating her hasn't worked. I even tried kicking her out, and that didn't work either.

If you have a high fever, maybe you DO need to see a doctor? Mine was a sinus infection last week. Or you could have gotten some Tamiflu.

[Anonymous]

Your mother should not be staying with you for this long, given the dynamics you're describing.

Don't allow that again.

For now, be very direct. Mom, I understand you don't agree w/ lots of what I do and I'm sorry. But this is how I (and my husband?) have chosen to do things. You can either accept it while you're here, or you can go home.

Repeat as needed.

Mean it.

Don't engage in any discussion you're not open to, don't lose your temper or feed her emotion at all, and DO run your household the way you choose.

"I love you Mom and I'm sorry you disagree with my choices, but this is not negotiable. If you need to leave, I understand." Over and over.

[Anonymous]

It's an emergency on my end. I talked about it in another post here, and really don't feel like rehashing it. She IS doing me a favor, but I'm not sure this is worth it.

Of course, in the middle of my misery before she showed up, I thought I could handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's an emergency on my end. I talked about it in another post here, and really don't feel like rehashing it. She IS doing me a favor, but I'm not sure this is worth it.

Of course, in the middle of my misery before she showed up, I thought I could handle it.

I think I know which post you are referring to, OP. And yes, you do need her help for the short-term, at least.

I like the idea of a PP who said you should lie and tell her you can't get the kid sick. You should also say that you might get HER sick, and which is very unadvisable since she is an older person. It might land her with pneumonia or something. Maybe that will help her to steer clear of you.

Keep your bedroom door closed and let her handle your son so that you can get better fast.

[Anonymous]

If you have a high fever then you should see the a doctor. I had a flu shot but still got the flu two weeks ago. Went to doctor yesterday because cough was hanging on and doc told me it was turning into bronchitis. Doc gave me antibiotic. Your mother is smarter than you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have a high fever then you should see the a doctor. I had a flu shot but still got the flu two weeks ago. Went to doctor yesterday because cough was hanging on and doc told me it was turning into bronchitis. Doc gave me antibiotic. Your mother is smarter than you.

You conveniently ignored the fact I'm getting better every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not usually in favor of lying, but in this case I'd tell her you're taking her advice and going to see a doctor. Get in the car, go out for a couple of hours to get a break - even if it's just sitting in the car with a hot drink and a book somewhere and then come home and tell her that the doctor said you need to stay in bed for a week and a you also need to try to avoid being around your son so that you are less likely to pass your illness on to him. Ask if she's willing to help with your doctor's instructions.

I love this suggestion!! Yes, do it, OP!!