Helping a shy, sensitive boy

[Anonymous]

My 5 year old is both shy and extremely sensitive to perceived or actual slights by other children. If another kid pushes him or says something unkind, unlike most kids, my DS has a hard time asserting himself as well as letting the incident go....and it will ruin his whole day. The difficulties are more likely to arise in unstructured settings....like recess. Summer camp was really hard for him as every day a kid said or did something... I talked with the camp multiple times and at the end, they were basically supervising him the whole time to make sure nothing happened.

We work a lot with him on how to assert himself when other kids are unkind. We talk with him when he is upset and work through any distortions in his thinking about whether an action by another child is really purposefully mean or is there another explanation for the behavior. We have him enrolled in martial arts to boost his confidence so he can feel good that he can defend himself. Right now I have him at a small private school and so the teacher can assist when there are any difficulties and thus, he has had a great year. I am looking to reduce my work schedule so I don't have to put him in camp all summer and just a few weeks instead. Unfortunately, due to finances, we will have to move him to public school next year, and I feel there will be a lot more difficulties with peers, because of the number of kids to staff ratio. Please let me know if you have a similar situation and any advice

[Anonymous]

I had a brother like this, and it's heartbreaking! I would say to keep working at home, but be careful about letting him know that you're intervening at school. That will make it worse with other kids, and make him feel like you think he's a baby who needs protection (which can become self-perpetuating).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 5 year old is both shy and extremely sensitive to perceived or actual slights by other children. If another kid pushes him or says something unkind, unlike most kids, my DS has a hard time asserting himself as well as letting the incident go....and it will ruin his whole day. The difficulties are more likely to arise in unstructured settings....like recess. Summer camp was really hard for him as every day a kid said or did something... I talked with the camp multiple times and at the end, they were basically supervising him the whole time to make sure nothing happened.

We work a lot with him on how to assert himself when other kids are unkind. We talk with him when he is upset and work through any distortions in his thinking about whether an action by another child is really purposefully mean or is there another explanation for the behavior. We have him enrolled in martial arts to boost his confidence so he can feel good that he can defend himself. Right now I have him at a small private school and so the teacher can assist when there are any difficulties and thus, he has had a great year. I am looking to reduce my work schedule so I don't have to put him in camp all summer and just a few weeks instead. Unfortunately, due to finances, we will have to move him to public school next year, and I feel there will be a lot more difficulties with peers, because of the number of kids to staff ratio. Please let me know if you have a similar situation and any advice

OP - my son is very similar. He always hated summer camps. He struggled a great deal in the very good public school he attended from K-4th grade. The level of supervision and personal attention is more akin to summer camp than private school. There a lot of kids and not enough teachers and time in the day to give your son the reassurance and protection and personal attention that he needs. I am so sorry to say this, but it was a huge problem for us, heartbreaking to watch, and ultimately drove us to private school. Private school has been a life saver. I wish we'd known to do it sooner. If there is any way you can keep him in his current setting where he is happy, I highly recommend that you consider doing that.

[Anonymous]

OP, I had a very similar experience with my son at that age. Don't despair about public school. Although it was hard at first, over time my son developed important coping skills. Any time he had an incident with a classmate, we would discuss it, reason it out, discuss strategies for handling such situations in the future. Eventually, he stopped being so fearful and constantly assuming the worst of others' actions. One thing that really helped him was our focus on facilitating his friendships with one or two kids he really liked (i.e. playdates). Also, believe it or not, the warm, friendly aftercare (attended 2-3 days a week) also helped. He went from being terrified of dodgeball ("they're hitting me ON PURPOSE") to loving those kinds of activities and became more open and flexible in general. At home, we worked hard to find a balance between being unconditionally supportive but not coddling. Now in 3rd, he has emerged as a much more confident and social kid. It was a worrisome three years until the breakthrough, but he's happy and thriving. I hope the same for your DS! Keep the faith!

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the pps that answered so genuinely. He is a late August birthday, so even though he is a bright kid, we thought purely for social purposes of having him repeat kindergarten in public school to help boost his self-confidence and social maturity. He is also very small, in addition, to being shy and sensitive so stature won't be an issue. He actually always seems to be well-liked by the other kids and makes friends so he has this going for him. My back-up plan is to use the private school that he has enjoyed if public school is a bust. I want to find the balance between allowing him the hard knocks that life brings you and working through it but without killing his spirit in the process. I really adore the private school he is at....we pretty much break even after putting money away for retirement and paying for our daughter's daycare....which is why I'd like to send him to public.

[Anonymous]

Please don't have him repeat K unless the teacher's say he really needs it. There were a number of boys in my son's K class that repeated and they all were very self-conscious about being older than all the other kids. You don't want him to feel self-conscious about why he is older until he graduates.

[Anonymous]

When he switches to public, give the guidance counselor a heads up. He can build a relationship with her as someone he can talk to, she can teach him some strategies to apply in school, and she can hook him up with similar kids in a lunch bunch social group.

[Anonymous]

My 5 year old is both shy and extremely sensitive to perceived or actual slights by other children. If another kid pushes him or says something unkind, unlike most kids, my DS has a hard time asserting himself as well as letting the incident go....and it will ruin his whole day. The difficulties are more likely to arise in unstructured settings....like recess. Summer camp was really hard for him as every day a kid said or did something... I talked with the camp multiple times and at the end, they were basically supervising him the whole time to make sure nothing happened.

We work a lot with him on how to assert himself when other kids are unkind. We talk with him when he is upset and work through any distortions in his thinking about whether an action by another child is really purposefully mean or is there another explanation for the behavior. We have him enrolled in martial arts to boost his confidence so he can feel good that he can defend himself. Right now I have him at a small private school and so the teacher can assist when there are any difficulties and thus, he has had a great year. I am looking to reduce my work schedule so I don't have to put him in camp all summer and just a few weeks instead. Unfortunately, due to finances, we will have to move him to public school next year, and I feel there will be a lot more difficulties with peers, because of the number of kids to staff ratio. Please let me know if you have a similar situation and any advice

He's going to be fine, because in public school he is going to get used to occasional disagreements and problems with other kids, and learn to deal with it. My son was the same way and he was unhappy for about half of K. Then he adapted, and was fine for the second half of K, first and so far second grades.