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LIFE WITH CHILDREN
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Anonymous
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Hi there "DCUMmers"
New to the forum here, sorry for the long post. I'm engaged and DF (new abbreviation?  ) wants to have children. From the beginning of the relationship I've been telling him that I never really wanted children but he has a hope that I'll eventually change my mind and deep inside I have the hope that he will change his mind.
I love children, I'm a teacher and also had experience as a nanny so I have nothing against children at all. They're the most important thing in my life! But I'm not sure that I want to have kids of my own. I get so attached to the children I work with. I cry at home when I think about the ones that suffer, I cheer with them in every accomplishment. I'm so proud of them whenever they finish a project or when we reach a goal together. My colleagues tell me that they have never seen a perfect parent but if one day I deal with my children like I deal with my students/charges I'll definitely be the perfect parent. Unfortunately, the thought of being a parent scares me to death! I can't imagine how much I'll suffer if they make a bad choice or if they decided that they don't like me. I've seen so many cases of children that don't get attached to the parents, children that don't respect their parents, children that decide to take the wrong path (drugs, crime, immorality). So please tell me: Are you happy with your children? Why? (Please, I know all about the cute faces, the funny first words, the cuddling and all but let's talk about what comes besides the things that go away with time) TIA
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Anonymous
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Did you have a horrible relationship with your parents? I did, and I had a lot of the same feelings you express. Never wanted kids until later in life. I waited until almost 40 to have a child. I "love" being a parent. I can't write anything that doesn't sound sappy and goofy, but honestly, being a parent is the first thing to give true meaning to my life. I wish I had done it 15 years earlier. Sure, there is fear still, occasionally. But it's worth it. I've never been so happy.
In any event, it's something you really need to get on the same page with your fiance. That's one of those make-it-or-break-it issues. It's OK to not ever want kids. But I think it's worth some serious self-exploration about the reasons first. The things you fear about parenting -- will you reasonably have control over these issues? Do you fear having a child with a disability? Do substance abuse or mental health problems run in the family? Could you be a single parent if (God forbid) something happened to your husband? Are you ready to put aside a lot of your needs, at least temporarily, for the good of your kids? Because honestly, the vast majority of kids in this country are good kids. And the vast majority of them grow up to be good adults. Of course there are kids who are troubled, but often it’s a very dysfunctional home environment, genes, or a combination, that contribute to that. If that’s a risk in your family, can you eliminate it, reduce it, or manage it? Best wishes. |
Anonymous
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That's a big question but all I will say is that I was the complete opposite of you. I have never changed a diaper in my life, had/have a mom who hated little kids, never had a sibling and always felt uncomfortable around children. Surprisingly (!) I decided to have one. I was completely panicked my entire pregnancy positive that I was a prime candidate for post partum because of the huge life change I knew it would be. And then he came out and as I had always heard, once you hold your own child in your arms, something magical happens that you really can't explain. I have a fabulous husband yet my bond with my son is like no other. Their heart belongs to the deepest part of you, even on the days you feel like hanging them by their feet because they are frustrating you so much. It's not a feeling I could have imagined or explained well to anyone - but it just is.
So I guess I read your post and wonder - if I ended up having that magical feeling having never been around or really cared for kids my whole life, then how would it be for someone who loved kids to begin with? And FWIW, my son is the only child I still feel really comfortable with...and hopefully his brother or sister who will be here in about six months. |
Anonymous
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I agree with the pps and want to add that you need to figure this out before you get married. I've had friends divorce over this. If one partner is dead set against having children, and the other really wants to have a family, it's hard to see how that difference can be reconciled.
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Anonymous
You have to have really thick skin to be a parent. It's a tough lesson to learn that the little ones won't always be angels, may be nothing like you expect them to be, and will definitely go through stages when they don't like you (or at least tell you that). I was also a teacher and got on well with kids. But being a parent is totally different. If you decide to become a parent, you need to ease up on yourself and your expectations. Don't expect to be perfect and don't expect your kids to be. |
Anonymous
Thanks for your response, OP here. I came from a regular family, grew up with a brother. Grandparents babysat when mom and dad wanted some private time. Pretty normal. I think I got scared after watching all the parents getting crazy over their children's behavior in class, their development.. I guess they all had pretty high expectations, I don't know. I'll think about all you said. Thanks. |
Anonymous
| OP here. There's a lot to think about. Thank you so much for your sincere opinion. I'm reading it carefully! |
Anonymous
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First of all, it really, truly is fine to NOT Have children. It does not make you a bad person. Your soon-to-be husband and you need to discuss this, and he needs to be OK with you maybe not wanting children. If he is a "I must have children" person, you will have problems. You cannot have a child for someone else. They do change your entire life.
But if the only reason you do NOT want children is because of the fear of doing something wrong, well then, that's a dumb reason. Because you WILL do something wrong. We all do something wrong - because there is no one right way to raise a child. And no matter what you are doing, no matter how many books you read, or how much advice you get, someone - somewhere will tell you how wrong you are. And you know what, most children turn out OK. Sure, they have quirks, but those quirks are what makes them interesting people. Before I had kids, I remember talking to someone about the reasons I didn't want a kid. It didn't make sense - they drained your energy and time - there was so much to mess up, too muchg to worry about, etc, etc, etc. My friend laughed at me and explained that if everyone thought so analytically about it, no one would have kids. You can't think about it too rationally or it will drive you nuts. That always stuck with me. And yes, having a child is hard. I do things now I never thought I could do (go for months on end with little sleep), but you just do it. It's the part about kids that is hard to explain. You love them so much, that you don't think twice about doing what it takes to take care of them. |
Anonymous
OP - you do NOT have to be this type of parent. It's hard not to get pulled into it, but you don't have to. I've stopped reading about milestones and when kids should do "X, Y Z". My son was behind in many things. Then he catches up. Then he gets ahead in other things - and then other kids catch up. Some people get worked up over the smallest things. |
Anonymous
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I love being a parent, even though it can be incredibly scary for a vareity of reasons.
Only thing I can offer is to really really deal with this prior to marriage bc I too, have seen marriages broken up over this. Its a major issue that you need to be on the same page about bc if you dont want them and he does, its not really something you can compromise on. |
Anonymous
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I can tell you that if you decide not to have children that is fine. If you do have them, you are going to make mistakes. We all do. I just try not to make the same ones over and over. My own mother was terrible with young children.
FWIW, I have my own child and I adore her. Every day with her is a miracle. She amazes me. I could go on and on and on until your eyeballs rolled back in your had and you begged me to stop. I don't like children in general. Never have. I was never googlie over babies. I am eternally relieved that mine is well through toddlerhood. I absolutely refuse to go out in public with friends of mine who have toddlers b/c I am done with that insanity. I think the other kids in my child's class are irritating. You seem like a FAR better candidate for parenthood than me, I must say 
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Anonymous
| Just wanted to comment to OP that I feel very similar and also work with children. I think working with kids day in and day out really shows you the realities of being a parent. I don't have my own kids yet either nor do I have a great answer, but it's almost like we know too much and others go into it more "blindly". I also think that we see more negatives from this perspective and yes, I am very scared of having a child with a disability. |
Anonymous
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"I can't write anything that doesn't sound sappy and goofy, but honestly, being a parent is the first thing to give true meaning to my life. "
This says more about you being a shallow person, than being a parent. |
Anonymous
| OP, I work with children and was told many, many times what a great mom I would be, how lucky my kids would be to have me, etc. It really kind of scared me off from having kids because of being afraid I would mess up somehow. Thankfully, I got over this and now have a beautiful daughter. It is very different when it's your own child, in both good ways and bad. I am so, so glad I made this choice, but you have to make your own. (and, for what it's worth, my daughter so far is an incredibly easy child who makes me look great--but I'm sure that will change someday) |
Anonymous
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You have to have really thick skin to be a parent. It's a tough lesson to learn that the little ones won't always be angels, may be nothing like you expect them to be, and will definitely go through stages when they don't like you (or at least tell you that). I was also a teacher and got on well with kids. But being a parent is totally different. If you decide to become a parent, you need to ease up on yourself and your expectations. Don't expect to be perfect and don't expect your kids to be.
Not only that, but you will go through stages where, although you still love the child with all your heart, you just don't like him very much, either because he's whiny, clingy, obstinate, whatever. And they completely change your life - no sleeping in in the morning, no skipping dinners. You have to be ready for it, but, if you're ready for it, it's great. My husband and I were on the fence for many years before taking the plunge. It's hard, no doubt, but it is totally worthwhile eve with the meltdowns and trials and tribulations. You are raising person that will hopefully add good to the world. That's something worth doing, if you're up for the task. |