Sending kids to their rooms

[Anonymous]

At the risk of appearing a bit too new, I don't like the punishment of sending kids to their rooms. Kids are 5 and 7 and punishment is usually something like taking away electronics. I would also send them to their room if they were out of control and tell them they can come back when they get it together. My 5 year old behaved very poorly on Saturday so I took electronics away for the weekend. DH found out about it on Sat evening and he wanted to start Sunday off by making 5 year old stay in room for half the day or a couple of hours on Sunday. I don't get the point of this punishment. Is it to say - you're behavior was so bad I can't even be around you? You don't deserve to be with people? Is he supposed to be 'thinking about what he did wrong' as my parents said, because I doubt that would be happening. I say, give him the consequence but don't put him in solitary confinement. How long would one expect a 5 year old to stay in a room alone? I don't think that's reasonable. I'm pretty sure in a few years they'll just go stomping off to their rooms, so the problem will solve itself, but in the meantime, what to do? We did not confine him to his room, by the way.

What do you guys think?

[Anonymous]

Sending DS to his room would never be a punishment in our house. Depending on the "offense" we would have a suitable consequence or the loss of a privilege (only if that had been signaled ahead of the offense) for a set period of time. The only time DS was ever sent to his room was to "settle down" if he was overtired or needed to decompress from something.

[Anonymous]

I send six year old DD to her room to cool down when she is yelling and irrational. To me, it is sort of like time out (I think she has aged out of time outs). She is free to come out when she has calmed down. I don't think of it as an actual punishment, and she doesn't stay there for even an hour, let alone half the day.

[Anonymous]

We send our kids (namely our eldest, 5) to their rooms fairly frequently (maybe once a day), but it's always to calm down, give everyone some space, etc., and it's for a brief period of time--rarely longer than 5 minutes. Then we talk 1 on 1 about whatever the original issue was and brainstorm other ways we can collectively handle it next time.

We have 2 younger children, and it's the best way we've found of meeting everyone's immediate needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I send six year old DD to her room to cool down when she is yelling and irrational. To me, it is sort of like time out (I think she has aged out of time outs). She is free to come out when she has calmed down. I don't think of it as an actual punishment, and she doesn't stay there for even an hour, let alone half the day.

Same here. My kids are much older now and this was effective for years. If you need time out to get your behavior in line, then go to your room and take that time. I never actually gave a specific amount of time - just an expectation of what I expect for the future. That being said, I have a much different view of parenting in that I believe kids are learning and you don''t have to punish to teach. It's worked well for us. The only times I've ever removed electronics was when a kid was not appropriate with the electronics and I could not trust him/her to have them. Even then, I pretty much just put controls on the electronics and didn't actually take them away.

One last thing. OP, it seems unfair to add a punishment.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I agree with sending them to their rooms to calm down and then let them come out when ready.

DH normally agrees but thought this behavior was so over the top wrong it warranted more.

[Anonymous]

I will send mine to their rooms for one of two situations. The first is for them to calm down. The second is if I need a bit of space and am frustrated with very unacceptable behavior. However, in both instances, they are welcome to come back down when they are calm and they have written about what went wrong and how they could have made a better choice or (before they could write) once they had finished drawing a picture. This forces them to stop and think and gives us all time to calm down and work toward a solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sending DS to his room would never be a punishment in our house. Depending on the "offense" we would have a suitable consequence or the loss of a privilege (only if that had been signaled ahead of the offense) for a set period of time. The only time DS was ever sent to his room was to "settle down" if he was overtired or needed to decompress from something.

This.

Also, it's not fair to your 5 year old for DH -- whom I gather was not even there at the time of the misbehavior -- to add more punishment after the fact, on top of what you already imposed.

[Anonymous]

Your H wants to punish a 5 year old for 1/2 a day?

Red flag!

[Anonymous]

Their rooms have the toys - why would I want to send them there?

No, if they're punished, they go down to the unfinished basement and crickets to cool off, and get privileges taken away.

[Anonymous]

1/2 day is excessive - that's more like solitary confinement. I do have kids go to room if they are out of control until they calm down and apologize, but minimum # of minutes = their age. Taking away privileges (screen time etc) has been more effective but sometimes have to do both. Reflection & apology = goal of sending to room.

[Anonymous]

1/2 day seems great for a first offense. Then add on time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At the risk of appearing a bit too new, I don't like the punishment of sending kids to their rooms. Kids are 5 and 7 and punishment is usually something like taking away electronics. I would also send them to their room if they were out of control and tell them they can come back when they get it together. My 5 year old behaved very poorly on Saturday so I took electronics away for the weekend. DH found out about it on Sat evening and he wanted to start Sunday off by making 5 year old stay in room for half the day or a couple of hours on Sunday. I don't get the point of this punishment. Is it to say - you're behavior was so bad I can't even be around you? You don't deserve to be with people? Is he supposed to be 'thinking about what he did wrong' as my parents said, because I doubt that would be happening. I say, give him the consequence but don't put him in solitary confinement. How long would one expect a 5 year old to stay in a room alone? I don't think that's reasonable. I'm pretty sure in a few years they'll just go stomping off to their rooms, so the problem will solve itself, but in the meantime, what to do? We did not confine him to his room, by the way.

What do you guys think?

NO way. I prefer to use natural consequences and link the consequence to the behavior. There is no way that a 5 year old is mature enough to understand why they have to be in their room for half a day, or even a few hours, especially not if the child's supposedly "thinking about what he did." If the behavior involves electronics, take away electronics. If it involves inter-personal relationships, nobody interacts with the child until the child is willing to be civil. Etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I agree with sending them to their rooms to calm down and then let them come out when ready.

DH normally agrees but thought this behavior was so over the top wrong it warranted more.

What happened that was so egregious that he would think a 5 year old needed a lesson so badly that it merited half a day in his room?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I send six year old DD to her room to cool down when she is yelling and irrational. To me, it is sort of like time out (I think she has aged out of time outs). She is free to come out when she has calmed down. I don't think of it as an actual punishment, and she doesn't stay there for even an hour, let alone half the day.

I agree with this approach. It is to allow him to calm down.

Half a day seems like an excuse not to want to have to deal with the kid.