Do adoptive parents have a higher responsibility to stay married?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are adoptive parents and we were hypothetically talking about divorce. He mentioned that he thinks we have even less right than most parents to get a divorce because 1) presumably the birth parents chose married parents to raise their children and might not have made the decision otherwise, so we 'owe' them to stay together if at all possible; and 2) at some point our kids will understand they lost their first family so we have a higher standard to maintain the only family they've ever known for stability's sake.

He wasn't talking about abuse or cheating, just the bar to get a divorce if one spouse is unhappy, which we agree is extraordinarily high even with bio kids. We aren't actually about to divorce; this was hypothetical, but I'm curious how common his thinking is.

[Anonymous]

No, I would say the requirement is higher for biological parents to stay together.

You owe more to your own blood than someone else's.

[Anonymous]

No. I agree the standard should be high once you have kids, but I don't see where bio bs adopted figures in. And if the marriage is has severe problems, like addiction, abuse o adultry, kids may be better of with an amicable divorce.

[Anonymous]

I think that when you adopt and when you have marital problems and are making decisions about your future, you need to consider how the loss will affect your children given that prior losses they have experienced. So, I guess it's a factor to consider, though each kid is different and the issues in your marriage that are leading you to consider divorce are factors as well. If you do decide to divorce, I think you have an obligation to help your child work through the new loss.

[Anonymous]

For me, as an adoptive parent, I feel a touch of greater responsibility for a few reasons. One is that I would have to disappoint and devastate even more people than I would if there were no birth families relying on us. We stay in touch with the birthmothers and would have to tell these women who made great sacrifices for the kids and who relied on us to give them happy, stable lives.

Another is that my kids are older and I have seen how painful it is to carry the stigma and pain of being adopted. My older son really struggles with this. He feels so much pain and rejection as a result of his adoption. He certainly feels like he belongs with us and is much better off than his bio siblings, but it is painful to know that he was "given up" at birth. He has had a lot of counseling to deal with this.

My younger daughter is already feeling like she is not normal because the other kids think it is "weird" to be adopted.

So I feel that my kids already have struggles to overcome. They also both have ieps and they have educational struggles to deal with. I feel like things are hard enough for them.

Basically, I would feel like crap if I made their lives any less stable and secure and happy than they are. I feel like they deserve better than that. But then again, so does my bio kid so it is not really that relevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I would say the requirement is higher for biological parents to stay together.

You owe more to your own blood than someone else's.

If you don't understand adoption, please keep it to yourself. JFC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I would say the requirement is higher for biological parents to stay together.

You owe more to your own blood than someone else's.

This comment is offensive to adoptive parents. My adopted child may not share my DNA, but she shares my heart 1 million times over!!!!

OP, to answer your question.....NO, I do not think that you have more of an "obligation" to stay together for the sake of your adopted kids.

[Anonymous]

I am an adoptee and a parent to both adopted and bio children, and I personally feel like if we were to divorce, we'd be letting down not just our children, but also our child's birth parents, who made an adoption plan in the hopes of giving their child a better life than they felt they could provide.

If a divorce was necessary, I wouldn't not do it just because one of my kids is adopted, but there would certainly be an additional angle to consider and perhaps guilt to factor in. My adopted child doesn't feel a loss from being adopted, but who knows how she really is processing it all. I myself don't feel a loss either as an adoptee, but could certainly see how it would be a major disappointment to a birth parent.

[Anonymous]

Of all the things for the two of you to discuss, you discuss hypothetical divorce??? What good could come from that? Why don't you switch the subject when he starts something stupid like that?

[Anonymous]

No. I left two months after an international adoption. It was necessary and I have never regretted it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I would say the requirement is higher for biological parents to stay together.

You owe more to your own blood than someone else's.

You're pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Two of the couples we went to China with to adopt our children have since divorced. I think much less of them because of it.

Just being honest.

[Anonymous]

You owe your child--born from you or adopted--the best you can give her/him in terms of stability, security and happiness, and an example how to live an honest life. Thst could mean you and your H divorcing, or sticking it out. Only you two can decide what's right. Divorce is traumatic no matter what, but so is growing up with two parents who resent each other.

The distinction w/r/t your child being adopted is that, if he/she would benefit from counseling to cope with a divorce, you'll want a counselor who has expertise in working with adopted children. But certainly you're already tuned into this kind of consideration.

Best to you.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it matters whether you are adoptive parents or bio parents. You have the same level of responsibility to your bio children and adoptive children. In my eyes, they are one in the same. You choose to get pregnant just as you choose to adopt, and in both situations you have to do what is best for the children.

Signed,
An adoptive parent with a bio child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two of the couples we went to China with to adopt our children have since divorced. I think much less of them because of it.

Just being honest.

Wow. How wonderful it must be to feel free to judge without knowing any details. Hope you find out your husband has been secretly engaging escorts for over a decade, exposing you to god-knows-what, spending a fortune on them, and criticizing you non-stop. Will you still stay with him? Will you want us all to judge you negatively for deciding to leave???