How to encourage academic excellence in a HEALTHY way!

[Anonymous]

As my children are getting closer and closer to entering school, I have found myself thinking about how to encourage them to be the best that they can be WITHOUT leading them to be over-competitive people-pleasers whose self-esteem is completely dependent on their academic performance.

My mother, of course, was a tiger/helicopter mother before it was a thing. I was pushed towards being the "best" in school, and fun was practically a curse word in our house. I felt a ton of pressure on my shoulders, partly because I was an only child of a single parent, and my mother made it completely clear I was her only hope for any success in her life. For this and many other reasons, my childhood was somewhat miserable, and when I got to that elite college I worked so damn hard to get into, I floundered, and completely unable to handle failure or ask for help, I floundered more and ended up with mediocre grades. Today I have an ok career, but nothing to write home about, and have definitely not lived up to the potential that I showed in high school. I do NOT want this outcome for my children!

DH had a somewhat opposite experience. His parents were hands-off, free range types, and while they were unhappy with his bad school performance, it wasn't such a huge deal. He describes his childhood as much happier than mine, even though he lived in a foreign country and grew up in a small apartment, with few toys, etc. In college he improved but did not really have the savvy or skills to get the type of career he wanted. He also feels somewhat disappointed in himself and feels he did not live up to his potential, and his self-esteem seems low. He also has an ok career, but is unhappy in his current job, unable to find something better, and has always had issues finding ways to move up, despite being socially adept and a quick learner. I want a better outcome than this for my children, although if they looked back on their childhoods as happy I would consider that a decent consolation prize.

It's ironic that two drastically parenting styles led to basically the same results, right? When I am done thinking about how funny life is, I think to myself "what am I going to do with these kids?" I want my kids to be excellent at school, but not at the expense of their mental health. Nothing is worth being utterly miserable, in my opinion. In fact, I will be happy as long as they can comfortably support themselves, but if they could be the best they can be, that would be nice. I also don't want to inadvertently sabotage their chances of success. I grew up in a lousy home environment, so I am trying my best to model a healthy, happy life and give my children a happy, healthy childhood, and *I am completely winging it because I have no model of my own!*

Any tips would be appreciated, stories of what you did with your kids or what your parents did with you. TIA.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, for young kids (preschoolers and early elementary), IMO what you want to encourage is a healthy curiosity about the world, building toward broad general knowledge and an enjoyment of learning.

You want your kids to be interested in thinking for themselves and learning independently (and frankly, having them understand that that trumps "grades" is FINE).

Ways to encourage this? Read to them, widely, across a range of topics. Go and explore things together and model curiosity. When you go to the zoo, talk about where animals live across the world, and what they eat and how ecology works and what it means to be endangered and what we can do about that. And ask them questions and see what they think. And teach them how to ask questions of THEMSELVES, which will lead them to critical thinking.

But don't push "academic" stuff like reading or math facts if the kid isn't ready or doesn't want to do it.

[Anonymous]

Well, I had a different approach. I wanted my child to "love" learning, and thought that would be the best foundation to build academic success on. He is bright, but has been a very average student....until recently. He's in 3rd grade and just turned 9, and he's all about doing extremely well. He wants to go to Stanford. Where he got this idea, I have no idea. But he's really applying himself now.

While I didn't push for good grades or good performance, we have had the discussion (several times, about different things) that the choices you make, including doing the best you can in school, will help you be more successful in each stage of your life.

And as another ongoing life lesson, I teach him to be resilient. That "grit" thing they all talk about now. But for us it's more teaching him problem solving skills, to see himself as a problem solver. This empowers him, gives him self esteem, and makes him less afraid of trying new or scary things. We also emphasize that mistakes are fine. It's another way to learn. So he's not so afraid to fail.

Now, he's only 9, so I don't know what is in store for him. He could revert at any moment, I guess. But he did just pick the hardest option for a creative project they are doing at school this month. And he's taking it seriously and doing it well.

[Anonymous]

There is nothing wrong with being average. Most of us are average. I think telling your kids "be the best you can be everyday" is a lot of pressure. Especially when they get to high school. Encourage your kids to work hard but the most important message to your kids is "you are good enough!"

[Anonymous]

You've demonstrated that neither helicopter parents nor hands-off parents can guarantee fabulous careers for their children. And... neither can the parents in between. You can't guarantee anything. But you can help make them less neurotic and less disappointed in themselves by erring on the side of less pressure and lower expectations. Save your money so they can afford to go to the best college they get into. If you have a kid who is 10 or less and is already thinking about what will look good on college applications, that's a hint you've stepped over a line.

[Anonymous]

What's healthy is demonstrating a love of learning.

SHOW them, don't TELL them, that you love to learn new things, you love to go out to museums and parks and read books and listen to music.

That's all you need

[Anonymous]

Today my seventh grader saw me look things up twice that I didn't know. She overheard me tell my friend "I've been really thinking about what you said about hope last week," so she knows I ruminate over things I've heard.

She gets straight A's. I put no pressure on her. I try to give her the tools to succeed. Last week she stayed up until 2 or 3 am working on a science project that had started out shaky (another boy stole her idea). It looked awful when I checked in to make sure she had all the supplies she needed, and still awful when I brought her a snack. But she got an A on it. The only thing I asked was if her teacher knew she worked on it without parental help.

It's like when kids are babies and you think "Stimulate, stimulate" and you keep trying to stimulate their minds. You keep doing that as they're older, and encourage them to problem solve and seek out knowledge.

DD has never done extra Kumon type stuff. I only made her re-do homework in elementary school when I genuinely couldn't read her handwriting. When I know she has a test I ask if she'd like help studying. That's it.

FYI, she got B's mostly in elementary and complaints that she talked too much and interrupted and didn't let other kids talk. She wasn't great about taking pride in her work. Sixth grade something clicked deep inside her and she's had all A's since last year.

[Anonymous]

I'm 20:50, coming back with a little addendum you might find interesting.

I was a top student until high school, when I felt overwhelmed and received average grades, which greatly disappointed my exacting mother. I could not major in my preferred subject because I found it too difficult, despite having above-average IQ.

It wasn't until my son started failing in school and was diagnosed with severe inattentive ADHD, that DH and I realized that we both have a form of that disorder (obviously, since ADHD has a strong family component). Relative to our earlier potential, DH and I have both underachieved in the workforce.

Our son is now medicated and his life has turned around completely. He can now reach his full potential.

I'm not saying you have ADHD or any particular disorder. My point is that you have to be vigilant about specific causes of "failure". Sometimes, working on motivation, or teaching study skills, can turn things around. Other times, it's a deeper issue. And always, it's the hard work that counts. You can be profoundly gifted like my DH, but if you don't put in the work, it will amount to nothing.

[Anonymous]

Reward effort not outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What's healthy is demonstrating a love of learning.

SHOW them, don't TELL them, that you love to learn new things, you love to go out to museums and parks and read books and listen to music.

That's all you need

+1

If you love to learn, and demonstrate excitement about learning new things, your kid will pick up on that. If you love to read, your kid will see that. If you show that you are willing to put in some effort to learn something new, your kid will see that. Especially in the early years, focus on your kid actually learning things, not grades. Praise effort and curiosity.

[Anonymous]

I tell my ES kids to just try your best no matter what. If that means a lower grade, that's ok if as long as you tried. But, if you are lazy and don't want to try that is not going to help you in the long run. I don't expect them to get into an ivy, but I tell them why a good college is important.

I got good grades in school, except for one subject. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get higher than a B. I hated that subject, found it boring, and couldn't absorb the material. So, I know this can happen and am accepting of this with my own kids.