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[quote=Anonymous]As my children are getting closer and closer to entering school, I have found myself thinking about how to encourage them to be the best that they can be WITHOUT leading them to be over-competitive people-pleasers whose self-esteem is completely dependent on their academic performance.

My mother, of course, was a tiger/helicopter mother before it was a thing.  I was pushed towards being the "best" in school, and fun was practically a curse word in our house.  I felt a ton of pressure on my shoulders, partly because I was an only child of a single parent, and my mother made it completely clear I was her only hope for any success in her life.  For this and many other reasons, my childhood was somewhat miserable, and when I got to that elite college I worked so damn hard to get into, I floundered, and completely unable to handle failure or ask for help, I floundered more and ended up with mediocre grades.  Today I have an ok career, but nothing to write home about, and have definitely not lived up to the potential that I showed in high school.  I do NOT want this outcome for my children!

DH had a somewhat opposite experience.  His parents were hands-off, free range types, and while they were unhappy with his bad school performance, it wasn't such a huge deal.  He describes his childhood as much happier than mine, even though he lived in a foreign country and grew up in a small apartment, with few toys, etc.  In college he improved but did not really have the savvy or skills to get the type of career he wanted.  He also feels somewhat disappointed in himself and feels he did not live up to his potential, and his self-esteem seems low.  He also has an ok career, but is unhappy in his current job, unable to find something better, and has always had issues finding ways to move up, despite being socially adept and a quick learner.  I want a better outcome than this for my children, although if they looked back on their childhoods as happy I would consider that a decent consolation prize.

It's ironic that two drastically parenting styles led to basically the same results, right?  When I am done thinking about how funny life is, I think to myself "what am I going to do with these kids?"  I want my kids to be excellent at school, but not at the expense of their mental health.  Nothing is worth being utterly miserable, in my opinion.  In fact, I will be happy as long as they can comfortably support themselves, but if they could be the best they can be, that would be nice.  I also don't want to inadvertently sabotage their chances of success.  I grew up in a lousy home environment, so I am trying my best to model a healthy, happy life and give my children a happy, healthy childhood, and *I am completely winging it because I have no model of my own!*

Any tips would be appreciated, stories of what you did with your kids or what your parents did with you.  TIA.[/quote]

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