keep bailing out father
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Anonymous
| My father has been in and out of my life for most of my life. Mostly due to his poor choices (breaking the law and going to jail), alcohol abuse (self medicating for mental health issues). He was doing really well for several years, then his wife died and he's seemed so incredibly lost since then. He keeps moving around to different states- not really putting down roots. Continues to make bad decisions. I want to set appropriate boundaries, but it's hard when he calls me stranded at the side of the road asking me to wire him money- small amounts $50-$100. Or calls collect asking for help since he decided with a "loose plan" to travel across the country to stay with friends he hasn't contacted in decades then finds out they died years ago- resulting in me having to buy him a $300 bus ticket home. We just can't afford to keep bailing him out like this, he thinks because we have good jobs we must be rolling in cash. But we have an infant and money's really really tight now. I want to say no, but the thought of him sleeping outside a bus station is terrible. I'm at a loss of what to do and how to set some more boundaries and not feel guilt. |
Anonymous
| He needs to hit rock bottom in order to change his life. You're not his personal ATM that he can use. Tell him that you love him, and because you do you're no longer supporting his poor choices. You must put your child first, and you're sure he would understand that. Stay strong OP. |
Anonymous
| How often do you bail him out and how much has he cost you so far? |
Anonymous
| What is the smart choice he can make now? Offer to support that, however you can. |
Anonymous
I haven't kept track of the total amount of money- sometimes he doesn't ask for several months, then it's almost weekly, then a month no asking, then biweekly. In the past 2 years it's probably less than $2000- the bulk of which in the past 6 months. I don't mind helping from time to time, but lately it's more of a spiraling out of control in the past few months and the frequency of asking especially since we had a baby. |
Anonymous
| Round-and-round we go. Say, "no". Or continue to post. |
Anonymous
| I know this is frequently said here but this is a situation where you'd really benefit from counseling - to help you understand and manage your guilt and to give you a script to use the next time your father asks for money. I know how keenly you feel this but the situation is fairly common. A good counselor can help you with this fairly quickly. Hugs. |
Anonymous
|
You have to decide to continue doing this or not. Make an active decision then stand by it. It's the passivity of it that I hear most in your post. It is perfectly okay to fund your father's misadventures, whether you encourage him to make more solid choices or not. Whatever makes it easier for you to sleep at night. Counseling could help you actively work through your thinking on this. A good therapist will allow for whatever you decide with no judgement about fairness. For me, it's not at all about logic. It's about how you feel when these transactions go down. If you feel better about yourself (that this in some way is consistent with your values, despite the history of his absences) that makes it worth it in my opinion. Do what's best for your heart. If you decide to set down limits, do so without apology. If you decide to continue to simply be responsive when he asks for assistance, do so without apology. Balance it out. What works for you? You're only answerable to yourself. Wishing you peace. |
Anonymous
| Say no. Period. I have new baby and we don't have extra money. |
Anonymous
+1 For all you know, he's spending it on alcohol and booze. Don't be an enabler. |
Anonymous
meant to say drugs, not booze |
Anonymous
| Sounds like the death of his wife has devastated him. Maybe you can get him some help in that department and your problem will solve itself. |