Dear mother in hospice. Please help cheer me up.

[Anonymous]

My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in early january. Chemo ravaged her, so after just one cycle, she's at home in hospice care. I am extremely close to my mother. My brother and dad live with her. I live across the country in dc with my family. This last week has been brutal. She has not eaten or even had nutritional drinks- only water snd sometimes pedialyte mixd in. She has diarrea constanyly, though we can walk her to the toilet. She has her mind in tact and can communicate. But it's notgoing to be gor very long. I sm here without my husband snd young children. Please help me see that things will get better. If not for my mom, then sonehow. Sorry not articulste.

[Anonymous]

So sorry to hear this OP. Very sad and stressful situation. I went through this recently with a beloved family member and talking about fun family memories and stories and time spent together was really calming and therapeutic. It got out minds out of the terrible situation she was in, and focused our energy on all the wonderful times we and our family had together. Bittersweet but also really life-affirming.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for what your family is going through. I would suggest reaching out to the hospice people. They're there to care for your mother, but they are also there to help the family during this time. My family went through this and the hospice people helped us so much.

[Anonymous]

Can you go to her? I know you said you have young children, but perhaps you can make it work? I think being there to hold her, help her, and DO something might help.

I'm so sorry about your Mom. Wishing you peace.

[Anonymous]

Being with her now is a precious gift to you both. I'm so sorry you are going through this. We just said goodbye to my brother in December after a cancer battle, and I am so glad that he was able to pass at home surrounded by family. Say all the things you need to say and make sure that you address her worries and concerns so that she will be able to pass peacefully. I keep remembering things I wish I had said one more time. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

The above but will add do not be afraid to talk about dying and even her fears about. Let her lead of course! Some of her fears may be as simple as her worry about your father and and you and brother other may just be the enormity and unknown. My mom died this time last year and she had some fears - some I truly would not have anticipated and I felt she found comfort in talking about - and I was able to handle. My brothers and Dad and her sister kept leading her away from that and it at times was the one thing that got her frustrated. so sorry

[Anonymous]

Sending you such a big hug, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Being with her now is a precious gift to you both. I'm so sorry you are going through this. We just said goodbye to my brother in December after a cancer battle, and I am so glad that he was able to pass at home surrounded by family. Say all the things you need to say and make sure that you address her worries and concerns so that she will be able to pass peacefully. I keep remembering things I wish I had said one more time. Hugs.

This. I think it's hard for us to have these conversations, because it's truly embracing the inevitable. So often, we're told to stay positive and praised for being strong during crises. If there's something you want your mother to know, especially memories you've cherished and lessons you've learned from her, tell her now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you go to her?

It sounds like she IS with her mom, and away from husband and kids.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. My dad was diagnosed stage 4 at christmas and died early Feb. Did one round of chemo and said that's it. It's heartbreakung to watch. Talk to your mom as muchc as you can. Ask everything and tell her everything you never did before.
I hope that you can stay with your mom and dad and brother as much as possible. If the time comes that you need to go home, please don't beat yourself up about it. Your mom knows you love her.
I hope that your mom can live her last days surrounded by loved ones and without pain.

[Anonymous]

If you can't say what you want to, write a letter. I wrote my dad a 6 page letter (it could've been 100 pages) of my special memories of him and things that I was thankful for with regard to him. My mom told me that in his last weeks he asked her to read it to him every night.

[Anonymous]

I am sad to hear your news, OP. Life can be so unfair. Be good to yourself. Strangers are thinking of you. Holding you in the light.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry OP. This is such a hard, hard journey of your life, but know that being there with your Mom is incredibly powerful for all of you. How long are you able to stay? If your family could visit you and you would find comfort in that do so, but if not know that they will 100% fine without you, that this time together will strengthen the bond your children have with your husband, and that there is no more powerful message to your children about truly living a commitment to love and family.

On a practical note, if your Mom is still there and talking, consider recording your conversations, her stories about her life. They will be a powerful memento for you, and a way to share her with your children later.

Also agree to let hospice help the caregivers as much as possible. That is absolutely part of their role in these situations.

Let people help your family. Reach out to a point person in your parents religious organization, community group, etc., and ask them to support your family through meals and visits. Let the people who love you be the flotsam keeping you all afloat through the storm.

And do something each day to take care of yourself, be it a walk around the block or 10 minutes in the sunshine.

I will be thinking of you, and am so very sorry for all of you.

[Anonymous]

Hugs to you OP. I went through something similar recently and it is so very hard. I'm glad you're there and it may be a blessing that your DH and kids are not with you- it will give you a chance to be the daughter without also having to be the wife and mother.

The end is so hard. Just spend as much time with her as you can. If she's stopped eating it won't be too much longer. Telling funny stories may help. Just hold her hand. And I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[Anonymous]

Just keep telling her you love her and what a good life you have had. I am sorry you are going through this. I have been fighting cancer this year and have young children. As a mother I just want my children to know how much I love them and that they are going to be ok.