Mother Is Depressed

[Anonymous]

Two years ago, my mother and her husband (my stepfather) separated and she was forced to move out of their house into a small apartment. Her financial situation was dismal after one year offered to let her move in with DH and I for a couple of years to get back on her feet. She has her own bedroom and bathroom and has full access to the house while we are at work. In exchange, she watches our 2yo 4 days a week. She also got a PT retail job and works about 15-20 hours a week. I thought this would be a great situation but it’s turned into a nightmare. Lately she’s been acting very depressed and it’s affecting everyone . She used to do a great job watching our daughter but hasn’t taken her anywhere but preschool in months. It’s always too cold, too wet, she’s sick, she’s tired, etc. Most of the time she sits on the sofa and watches TV.

The worst part of this is that she refuses to communicate with us. Yesterday, her car battery died at home and instead of asking us for a jump, she called AAA. Then, without mentioning it, she drove over an hour in the snow back to her old neighborhood mechanic just to get a new battery. After it was fixed, she proceeded to pout and mope around the house and complain about how much it cost and how she cannot afford it.

If I say anything remotely critical she gets extremely defensive. For example, once when I had a friend over, she started taking over the kitchen and asking everyone if they wanted dinner (when I had already had out finger foods and snacks). I privately told her she was overstepping a bit, and she proceed to cry, claimed she was just trying to help, and locked herself in her room for the rest of the night. The next day she took take every food/cooking item of hers from our kitchen and stashed it in a box in her room. When I asked her about it, she acted confused and I ended up apologizing for making her feel badly. I also know that she’s lied several times about very insignificant things (saying she fell on the icy sidewalk, telling us she went out to dinner with a friend when I know she was home). I’ve tried many times to ask if she’s okay, needs anything, but she always says she is fine and shuts down. DH and I are expecting our second child in April and our 2yo will be going to FT daycare. We had hoped she could provide some help with the baby but now I don’t even think I want her to be involved. She’s not prepared to move out on her own yet but it’s also not okay for her to live with us for free, especially in this state. Obviously, it’s causing a lot of friction between my husband and I. Anyone been through anything similar? What can I do?

[Anonymous]

She is probably is depressed and needs medical assistance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is probably is depressed and needs medical assistance.

+1. She's feeling displaced and useless, despite your efforts. She sounds depressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is probably is depressed and needs medical assistance.

+1. She's feeling displaced and useless, despite your efforts. She sounds depressed.

Thanks. Yes, I agree with this, but I'm not sure what I can do. I cannot force her to see a doctor or go to therapy and she will not talk to me. I think it is going to have to be a full on intervention. The backlash I anticipate from something like this is frightening.

[Anonymous]

NP, yes we went through something similar. It was so difficult. We ended up asking my MIL to move out (she'd been with us almost a year). It was really hard. Our relationships have never been the same. But it had to be done. She was putting our kids in danger and destroying our marriage.

[Anonymous]

She needs help but I'm sure she's also very sad about her circumstances. She went from living an independent life to being reliant on her daughter. That's a tough place to be.

Your mother might also be burned out from watching the kids. 4 days a week with a two year old ca be taxing on anyone especially someone that is older. Can't you see how the situation changes if she's no longer taking care of the two year old. Maybe just let her stay at your house without any bartering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs help but I'm sure she's also very sad about her circumstances. She went from living an independent life to being reliant on her daughter. That's a tough place to be.

Your mother might also be burned out from watching the kids. 4 days a week with a two year old ca be taxing on anyone especially someone that is older. Can't you see how the situation changes if she's no longer taking care of the two year old. Maybe just let her stay at your house without any bartering.

I honestly think she'd be even more bummed if she had no childcare responsibilities. Plus my husband is absolutely not okay with her living with us unless he is contributing something; especially now that she works part time. We already upped our cable package for her, pay for her iPhone, buy extra food and wine, but she doesn't contribute a penny to the household. I'm just bummed that we tried to do the right thing but it backfired big time.

[Anonymous]

It's obvious that you love your mother and it's wonderful that you are trying to figure out how best to help her. But this situation is wrecking your marriage, is causing you stress when you are pregnant, creating dread about having your mother care for your children (at this point maybe you're worried about her competency?), your two year old is not getting the childcare you envision. It is time to tell you mom that she must move out. Give her a time frame and work with your husband to come up with how you might be able to assist her financially for a set period of time ($500 a month for the next year?). Commit to paying a security deposit for her on a very modest apartment. You cannot allow this to ruin your young family. As for the depression thing...yep, she probably is depressed. If I were you, I'd do a lot of legwork to arrange to get her help (identify doctors, even call and make an appointment for her and offer to drive her). If she won't communicate with you, write her a letter laying it all on the line and being clear is what you will accept and what you will not and STICK TO IT. I'm so sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

How old is your mom?

She's depressed, you need to get her help.

[Anonymous]

Can I just suggest this may also be the beginning stages of dementia? Irritability is a hallmark sign. It might be worth contacting your eldercare services in your community and see what they suggest.

[Anonymous]

the first thing to do and I mean absolte first is to find a different care giver for your kid. Your mom may have serious mental health issues and caring for toddler is exahsiting and taxing under the best mental health circumstances. I would be very concerned for daughters safety. A seriously depressed person who is not being treated for it should be not left alone with a young child.

[Anonymous]

There is absolutely no way I would allow your mother to assist in the care of a newborn. No way. Sounds like a prescription for heartbreak.

[Anonymous]

Do you think your mother's behavior (defensiveness, childish unwillingness to communicate, willingness to stomp away and pout) contributed significantly to the demise of her marriage to your step father?

[Anonymous]

She’s not prepared to move out on her own yet but it’s also not okay for her to live with us for free, especially in this state.

Your mother has a medical disorder and from what I can tell of your post you haven't done much to try to help her. So what are you going to do, leave her mentally ill and untreated and also kick her out? Pretty shitty. You should feel very low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

She’s not prepared to move out on her own yet but it’s also not okay for her to live with us for free, especially in this state.

Your mother has a medical disorder and from what I can tell of your post you haven't done much to try to help her. So what are you going to do, leave her mentally ill and untreated and also kick her out? Pretty shitty. You should feel very low.

Fuck you. Not OP.