Hate Visiting My In-Laws

[Anonymous]

My inlaws live across the country. They travel very frequently for work, and often just for pleasure. They visit here around once a year. Otherwise, they rarely call or contact us in any way. My FIL has Asperger's (or HFA if you prefer). I understand that they have a lot of problems reading social cues, but it's incredibly frustrating dealing with them. I have three young children (5, 3, and 1), and we don't have a ton of money to fly all five of us across the country (well 4 if we don't mind holding our youngest in our laps for 8 hours).

My biggest problem with visiting them is that my FIL has this incredibly irritating "father knows best" attitude that makes me want to scream. He was a terrible father according to my husband and in-laws, but he is CONSTANTLY showering me with advice. Primarily he doesn't believe that women should work outside the home (I work part-time), he does not believe that we should have moved to DC and instead should be nearby, and he is constantly acting like my children are going to die a grisly death from things like letting my 5 year old walk upstairs by himself to use the bathroom (he thinks we should hold on to the chair the entire time our kids are eating dinner in case the three and five year old spontaneously fall out of it.). My MIL is okay, but she is very shy, doesn't make eye contact, and is clearly counting the minutes until the kids are in bed asleep and she can have a glass of wine in her hand. They're constantly giving us grief about our kids' diet (They are not going to drink fermented apple-kale juice, sorry), and clearly judging our parenting skills on a constant basis. My FIL has said things to me like "it's good that you take the children to museums, this helps their brains grow!". I let all of this slide, attributing a lot of it to his HFA, age, and general insanity.

Visiting them is also strange because they always try to avoid being with us as much as possible. They want their photos, 15 minutes of floor play, and then they're off without even telling us. It is incredibly frustrating to hang out in their cramped and dirty house (God FORBID we go to a hotel), only to be left hanging all the time. In the extremely rare instance when they do things with us, it's entirely of their choosing. They took my kids (and I, they're never, ever alone with them) to FIL's office to admire it from the car. My FIL was angry when DS asked to go have dinner since he was hungry and "tired of looking at a building". Essentially, it's an expensive and terrible trip we all hate. My husband decided that we would not visit them until the kids were much older since it is an awful trip for all of us, and my inlaws make no effort to spend time with us despite the effort and expense it takes us to go to their house.

Well, despite it being less than two months since our last horrible trip, they're once again making demands that we visit. I'm tempted to flat out say that the last trip was difficult and expensive (I'll sugarcoat this a bit), and maybe we should meet somewhere in the middle? I seriously dislike FIL and MIL, but I have kept my feelings to myself (Even DH doesn't know). I honestly cannot go through another dreadful trip like the one we took last year. When they visit us it's still pretty bad, but at least we didn't have to take a multi-stop flight to the west coast then drive 3 hours while spending thousands. Plus, my in laws don't want to spend too much time with my kids as it is because they "don't know what to do".

Anyone been there done that? Anyone ever tell in-laws (nicely) that visits will be limited from now on? I realize DH should be the one to say something, but he's non-confrontational.

[Anonymous]

Go to a hotel

[Anonymous]

"My husband decided that we would not visit them until the kids were much older since it is an awful trip for all of us"

You're lucky!

You don't really owe them an explanation. I would encourage my husband to say something like, "It's not in our plans this year."

[Anonymous]

Sounds good.
-op

[Anonymous]

Just say no. Follow with thank you. Rinse and repeat.

[Anonymous]

I'd blame your budget and/or not enough vacation. Be prepared for them to offer to pay for your trip, though. Though it sounds like you might not mind going as much if you weren't paying?

[Anonymous]

I definitely agree with the posters who suggest the just say no approach.

This is also a vent because I'm just TIRED of listening to their criticism disguised thinly as "parenting tips". I'm tired of their insistence that their crappy suburban town is better than the DC metro area. I'm tired of the constant put downs over the fact that I'm working 20 hours a week. Plus i know this will be a huge issue if we say no too often.

Op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd blame your budget and/or not enough vacation. Be prepared for them to offer to pay for your trip, though. Though it sounds like you might not mind going as much if you weren't paying?

They have offered to pay, but my husband will never accept that. Furthermore it's not so much a Financial expense but a time expense. I love family vacations and the kids love going on trips. With the two oldest in school we can only go on spring break, winter break, and summer vacation. They are visiting us this summer, so they want us to come during winter or spring break. Visiting then will mean that we will have a horrible time, and come back feeling more stressed than before "our vacation".

[Anonymous]

Why don't you back off on communicating with them and let DH handle it? Then you don't hear the complaining. Let DH decide what to tell them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you back off on communicating with them and let DH handle it? Then you don't hear the complaining. Let DH decide what to tell them.

You're right I should let DH handle them. The only reason why I do it is because he secretly can't stand them. My DH hides behind work so I call them on their birthday or wedding anniversary with the kids. The only time I talk to them for a more extended time is when they want to start "planning our next trip" (is- telling us exactly what we should be doing) or we are visiting. I'm just venting a bit because they're already talking about our next trip to the west coast as if it is a done deal via email. I can't bear the thought that we are stuck seeing them sometime this summer and, if they have their way, spring or winter break too.

I wish we could just tell them "neither one of us likes you at all and the kids prefer to do other things on our vacation." Terrible I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you back off on communicating with them and let DH handle it? Then you don't hear the complaining. Let DH decide what to tell them.

You're right I should let DH handle them. The only reason why I do it is because he secretly can't stand them. My DH hides behind work so I call them on their birthday or wedding anniversary with the kids. The only time I talk to them for a more extended time is when they want to start "planning our next trip" (is- telling us exactly what we should be doing) or we are visiting. I'm just venting a bit because they're already talking about our next trip to the west coast as if it is a done deal via email. I can't bear the thought that we are stuck seeing them sometime this summer and, if they have their way, spring or winter break too.

I wish we could just tell them "neither one of us likes you at all and the kids prefer to do other things on our vacation." Terrible I know.

No, it's not terrible but you seem to think that it's terrible which is why you're trying so hard to do all those things 'family' is supposed to do. You need to let go of what you (or some DCUM harpies) think you're required to do and do what works for your family. Also, you should make your DH step up to the plate on managing his parents. Doesn't matter if he likes them or not. It's not your responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you back off on communicating with them and let DH handle it? Then you don't hear the complaining. Let DH decide what to tell them.

You're right I should let DH handle them. The only reason why I do it is because he secretly can't stand them. My DH hides behind work so I call them on their birthday or wedding anniversary with the kids. The only time I talk to them for a more extended time is when they want to start "planning our next trip" (is- telling us exactly what we should be doing) or we are visiting. I'm just venting a bit because they're already talking about our next trip to the west coast as if it is a done deal via email. I can't bear the thought that we are stuck seeing them sometime this summer and, if they have their way, spring or winter break too.

I wish we could just tell them "neither one of us likes you at all and the kids prefer to do other things on our vacation." Terrible I know.

No, it's not terrible but you seem to think that it's terrible which is why you're trying so hard to do all those things 'family' is supposed to do. You need to let go of what you (or some DCUM harpies) think you're required to do and do what works for your family. Also, you should make your DH step up to the plate on managing his parents. Doesn't matter if he likes them or not. It's not your responsibility.

Totally agree with this PP.

OP, you mention that they're already talking about your next trip "as if it's a done deal." It's past time for DH to send an e-mail saying clearly, "I noticed that you mentioned our coming out there--to clarify, we are making other plans for our vacation days this year, and won't be coming out to visit." If they squawk, too bad; keep up the firm "not happening" but don't engage by letting them try to convince him or you.

I know they don't really spend time with you when you visit, but would they do things like possibly plan and pay for activities etc. and then announce, "But we just got the kids tickets to Kid Thing XYZ for those dates so you have to come" and crud like that? I hope not. If they are that type, it's all the more important that your DH (not you, him!) put into writing, politely but firmly, that you are not coming. They'll probably pester you for dates for a trip to see them. "Sorry, we only get so much vacation time and this year we're going to plan a trip somewhere just for the four of us." If they ask where and can they meet you there -- say you don't know where yet. When they pester you more: "This time it's just the four of us." Repeat and repeat and divert their attention by changing the topic every time. They may never fully "get it" and stop pestering or stop expecting that you drop your life to go see them, but you will build up your resistance to them by repeating your mantra of "not coming" without change.

You need to spend time building memories with your own family -- meaning you, husband and kids -- just you, together, doing something you all enjoy. You deserve that. Don't let MIL and FIL's expectations continue to suck up your precious time off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I definitely agree with the posters who suggest the just say no approach.

This is also a vent because I'm just TIRED of listening to their criticism disguised thinly as "parenting tips". I'm tired of their insistence that their crappy suburban town is better than the DC metro area. I'm tired of the constant put downs over the fact that I'm working 20 hours a week. Plus i know this will be a huge issue if we say no too often.

Op

Who gives a shit if it becomes a "huge issue"? What can they do? Ground your husband? Throw a tantrum? You and your husband are grown adults, in charge of your own family, and if you don't want to do something your in-laws don't have the power to make you do it. Like another poster says, plan your own trip for just you, DH, and the kids, and tell your in-laws that's what you're doing.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand what the issue is here.

you hate visiting them. Your husband hates visiting them and doesn't think you should visit that often.

So don't visit. What is the worst that will happen? They will complain and gripe and....what?

It sounds like you do a lot of the communicating. So don't respond to that part of the emails. Or say we have other plans for spring break, but I understand we'll see you this summer. Just don't engage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I definitely agree with the posters who suggest the just say no approach.

This is also a vent because I'm just TIRED of listening to their criticism disguised thinly as "parenting tips". I'm tired of their insistence that their crappy suburban town is better than the DC metro area. I'm tired of the constant put downs over the fact that I'm working 20 hours a week. Plus i know this will be a huge issue if we say no too often.

Op

Who gives a shit if it becomes a "huge issue"? What can they do? Ground your husband? Throw a tantrum? You and your husband are grown adults, in charge of your own family, and if you don't want to do something your in-laws don't have the power to make you do it. Like another poster says, plan your own trip for just you, DH, and the kids, and tell your in-laws that's what you're doing.

THIS! OP, is DH hiding behind you instead of facing his parents and making clear that it's time for a change in their relationship? If so, then get out of the way. All you're doing is deflecting blame onto yourself and making yourself a villain. Step out of the way. Let your DH confront his parents and grow up. Let them have their inevitable fall out. They'll either grow closer or face the rift that's been developing for years. It's coming anyway, but at least by getting out of the way, you and your kids won't get swallowed in it.