How much do you manage your kids friendships? 7 yr old

[Anonymous]

So, my 7 year old has a few friends who are somewhere between annoying and bratty... 2 little girls in particular are especially grating. I love both sets of parents and these 2 girls are my DD's absolute best friends. I allow play dates as much as we can, but am wondering if others limit their own kids contact with other kids based on the other kid's personality...

for instance, in our case, friend 1 is a rules tester - she's very outspoken and confident, but comes over and will asl me for candy or ice cream or whatever 12 times. i might say "later, after lunch" or "no" and the answer is the same "i want ice cream and my mom say i can have some, so i'd like some please." - her words are not rude, but man, the constant pushing... she also has a habit of discussing what she has - and her parents buy her a LOT of toys - he has huge collections of stuffed animals, lego sets, etc. she is constantly counting stuff "you have 8 puppy stuffed whatevers and i have 11. you have less than me. i love them SO much."

friend 2: calls on the phone at least 4 or 5 times a week demanding playdates. she has trouble taking no for an answer - and i say no a lot - i work, my kids have activities and lots of family in the area they spend time with... when over, she's another rule pusher " i want you to walk us to the park right now." "I want to take the paint to the bedroom. in my house, we're allowed to paint in the bedroom."

neither kid is obnoxious (well, the talking about toys is sort of obnoxious), and I don't see my kid emulating their behavior (except for asking fpor more toys to match her friends)

I realize I have much bigger battles in the future inregards to who she hangs out with, but am wondering what the right balance of overseeing friendships is at this stage,.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't be able to tolerate either of those kids. Too bratty.

[Anonymous]

Oh hell no. I'd be finding different playdates.

[Anonymous]

Damn. I have 2 boys. 10 and 7 and ha e never experienced anything like that.

Their friends are really easy and polite.

[Anonymous]

They sound a bit annoying, but it wouldn't really bother me that much. I'd just stand firm on not allowing things that are against our house rules or that I don't feel like doing, and allow the play dates.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised this is an issue. A lot of DS's friends who are this age act like this in terms of testing rules and I just make it clear at the beginning of each playdate that the answer is no and they may ask me a few times again but I just say no again and that's it. I think it's typical this age to try to be assertive and I actually thought it was very nice they were articulating what they wanted. All the boys are extremely polite.

[Anonymous]

PP again. DS's friends do not do the toy thing. I guess I might find that annoying if she did it over and over again, but kids this age really say a lot of outrageous stuff and I usually just ignore it.

[Anonymous]

My dd's two best friends sound like those you describe. I can't take it anymore. Yes, I have just recently heavily encouraged my dd to play with new group of friends.

My final straw, seeing annoying friend pick nose and eat them. Yep I'm done. Forever done

[Anonymous]

For the kid who says "Well my mom says I can have it so may I please have ice cream now?" I'd say "When you're at my house and I'm watching you, that means I'm in charge. I already told you there'll be ice cream after lunch. There won't be ice cream at any other time besides that."

For the kid who says "Well I'm allowed to take paint into my bedroom at MY house," I'd say "Different homes have different rules; you must have noticed that by now, right? And in this house we don't do things that could cause a big mess. Do YOU want to clean up a can of spilled paint? Well, me either. So you can paint here, on this dropcloth, or you two can find something else to do."

I try to just encourage friendships with the kids I DO like, so there's less time for the kids I don't like. Sneaky, but it works.

[Anonymous]

I'd say "We don't have any ice cream." and "In THIS house, we don't paint in the bedroom."

I don't manage my 7 yo's friendships that much. After the last playdate, I decided not to invite that kid back because he was being mean to my younger child. The other friend invites my son a lot but I don't like that they just play video games. So, I don't encourage that relationship. I can't wait til my kids can manage their own friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They sound a bit annoying, but it wouldn't really bother me that much. I'd just stand firm on not allowing things that are against our house rules or that I don't feel like doing, and allow the play dates.

This. I agree, I would not end these play dates. You are careful to say the girls are otherwise OK and though others are advocating dumping these kids, if they have other good things about them and being with them does not make your own DD too focused on what she does or doesn't have, etc. -- dumping them isn't really a solution. They are in the bad habit of being demanding, probably because their parents cave to them. Just tell the girls no as needed, and be sure they know your house rules.

Keep smiling and saying no. "No ice cream right now" (or better, but only if it's true: "We don't have any ice cream"). "We're not going to the park today" to the girl, then to your daughter: "DD, you and Sally need to find something to do. How about X?"

I am not saying to micromanage activities but it might help if, rather than having a play date along the lines of "kids just do whatever and hang out and play," you and your DD together do a little planning in advance. If DD likes crafting, ask her what crafts she thinks friend will like, and then have her set up that craft and maybe have one other specific thing she wants to do in mind as a backup. Of course they don't have to do either thing, but having some options ready and waiting and right there on the tabletop, so to speak, can help avoid the guest kid getting bored and coming to you to demand a snack or a trip to the playground. And of course if that does happen, you instantly redirect friend back to your own child. Tell them they need to occupy themselves or you need to call friend's mom since the play date might be over.

The phase of "It's all about me" and "We do this at MY house" and "This is what I have and why don't you have cool stuff/more stuff" is unpleasant but not totally unusual, espeically for kids who have never done without anything. I'd let the toy-counting slide rather than draw your DD's attention to it by commenting on it. Having a few things already in mind for your DD to suggest they do, so there's less time to count who has what, etc., is generally good at this age.

You mention one girl can't take no for an answer on the phone -- is she talking directly with your DD on those calls and giving your DD a hard time about not being able to do a play date? If so, I'd let DD handle the call, still, but I'd also monitor, and after about a minute, say, "Time to say goodbye and hang up, tell Friend I said it's time to go" and not let any calls go on and on. DD doesn't need another kid pestering her -- and if you have caller ID I'd absolutely use it to screen calls from any friend who's calling the four to five times a week this girl is calling. There's no need to pick up the phone if you know it's her, or for DD to pick it up either; if DD knows the number on caller ID, teach DD that "We know that's Jenny, but you're doing homework right now (or we have to leave for Activity X in five minutes, whatever), so we'll let her leave a message."

[Anonymous]

I don't know why you all suggest OP be so rude when responding to children. OP a kind response, "wow, painting in your room sounds like fun but you girls will have to paint in the kitchen if you want to paint here" would do the trick and isn't rude. They are children after all.

[Anonymous]

I don't babysit anyone's kids.

[Anonymous]

Food friend - my house, my rules. That's great if your mom will allow you to have ice cream. Perhaps she will give you some when you go home. No means no in our home. Please stop asking.

Phone call friend - call or email the parents requesting that she not call repeatedly for play dates and you will arrange them with the parents when you are able to. And you tell the child different rules in different houses and in my house, you DO NOT PAINT on the walls or you will not be welcomed back.

[Anonymous]

If you like the parents, and your daughter is close to the girls, I'd just be a bit more direct about your house rules.

For friend #1: Clear, consistent answers to the treat requests. (No maybes, no changing your mind.) If she keeps asking, tell her you've answered the question and that it's rude to keep asking. On the issue of comparing: I'd let your DD know that you think that such comparisons are rude (so that she doesn't adopt that habit), but I'd probably be vague with friend #1: "It's nice that share that interest, but it doesn't really matter how many either of you have."

For friend #2: Clear, consistent answers about getting together. If she calls Monday and you know you won't be wanting a get-together until the weekend, then tell her that. And stop answering her calls if she keeps it up! And for the painting, just reiterate your house rules. "Every house is different. In this house we paint in this room."