WWYD?

[Anonymous]

I am married and we have two children, 4 and 2. A couple of years ago a fling from graduate school applied for welfare so her state contacted me for child support regarding her kid. I am all over the internet so I was shocked she didn't reach out to me and upon receiving the notice I contacted her directly with questions. We talked and I paid for a DNA test and the child was indeed mine. I was deliberate in repeatedly offering her financial assistance and she declined stating money was not a concern. She was only concerned with her son having a relationship with his father . To make a long story short, she followed through with child support and I pay $1,280 per month. She works part time at a department store and has lived off and on with family so the money was a concern. When I call him she monitors the conversations and has even kept items/letters I've sent. She has vocalized that I "messed up her life", which is 100% not true. The kid is 15 and I didn't know she had one until I got a letter in the mail. Two other guys were tested for paternity (I have the court filings and DNA results) prior to me and I guess I was the last man standing. It's a headache because I hate to hear her voice and she tries to carry on conversations as if we get along. I can't stand her for what she did to him and even worse she is polluting his mind saying I left her. He once asked me why did I leave and where have I been, which tore my heart out. I told him we could discuss it later but more importantly I'm here now. She had to have pushed him to say that and was definitely listening in. His mom is aware we know about the previous paternity inquiries but she doesn't know it's public record and we have copies. I believe her goal is to keep him from finding out.

So my DW, my immediate family, and I met my son and his mom not long after I found out he was my kid. However, our kids have not met him yet and at this point we haven't mentioned him. We want to do so sooner than later but we are at our wits end dealing with his mom. I'm left with two options here. The first is to just wait it out for another three years until he is an adult. He'll be able to do as he pleases and we can go from there. The problem is we've lost and are losing serious bonding time. The second option is to file for visitation. It would formalize everything and set some ground rules and we could effectively keep her at a distance. However, it is costly and the $1,280 is already taking a chunk from what we could be investing. This could all be avoided if his mom would grow up and see the pain and distress she's caused and is causing for everyone around her.

My question is which of the two options above would you choose? Or is there another option?

[Anonymous]

Waiting it out for 3 years is abandoning him, but this time you know he exists and he knows that you know. Can't imagine he'd want to see you at 18 if you can't make it happen between 15 and 18.

You sound very resentful of the child support - get over that.

Get visitation and introduce him to his siblings ASAP. At this point, the sibs are young enough that whatever you say won't phase them and they will grow up knowing they have an older half brother (very common). Later it will be weird.

Try referring to him as your son instead of this kid.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

When you file for custody/visitation have him come to visit you without mom. Consult a therapist who is well verses in establishing bonds at this age. See if starting small- first a weekend, then a week, then the whole upcoming summer. Have son go to therapist and have him be the important figure here not his mom and not his dad.

[Anonymous]

I would file for visitation. Kudos to you for doing the right thing.

[Anonymous]

You won't change his mom, but you could make a difference in his life by being more present. Sounds like your wife is on board and hopefully it will not create strain in your current relationship. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You won't change his mom, but you could make a difference in his life by being more present. Sounds like your wife is on board and hopefully it will not create strain in your current relationship. Good luck!

This. Try.

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman, but I highly recommend you check out the forums on dadsdivorce.com. I lurk there to stay one step ahead if my XH who is an MRA nut job. Most of men there are sensible divorced or single dads. I'm sure they can help you.

[Anonymous]

Be present, don't wait the 3 years. He deserves to have you and your family now. Good job stepping up! (I know people hate giving credit for doing the right thing, but so many people don't do the right thing, I think it's deserved!)

[Anonymous]

File for visitation! He's missed out on 15 years of being with his dad! He deserves time with you as much as your legitimate kids. Let him know he's wanted. It's the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

You need to file for visitation.

Family therapy as a previous poster suggested.

[Anonymous]

I'm not getting your point on any of this. You are legally required to pay child support. I don't think she wanted the child support from you but wanted benefits. She is forced to file child support when she files for benefits. Then the state takes over with the child support. Child support and visitation are two different issues. You need to file and go to court for a visitation order. At 15, its hard to say what a judge will do if the child refuses to see you. You are in a no win situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would file for visitation. Kudos to you for doing the right thing.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:File for visitation! He's missed out on 15 years of being with his dad! He deserves time with you as much as your legitimate kids. Let him know he's wanted. It's the right thing to do.

Aren't we over this legitimate/illegitimate classifications yet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not getting your point on any of this. You are legally required to pay child support. I don't think she wanted the child support from you but wanted benefits. She is forced to file child support when she files for benefits. Then the state takes over with the child support. Child support and visitation are two different issues. You need to file and go to court for a visitation order. At 15, its hard to say what a judge will do if the child refuses to see you. You are in a no win situation.

NP here. I will add to this that it's clear you feel put-upon. But how do you think your son feels? He's 15 and only now has a father. He could very well be imagining and supposing things without his mother's possible biases. You need to include him in your family life as soon as possible.

You fathered a child, and you are close to doing the right thing by filing for visitation. Stop blaming the mother.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure how she is making your life so hard? Just be monitoring phone calls etc? She should have told you about him a long time ago, for sure, but considering her son has never met you before it's not unfair of her to be careful.

Secondly, you keep harping on the fact that there were other possible fathers, I don't even understand why this is an issue?

Your job right now is to interact peacefully with her, it doesn't sound like she is doing anything all that terrible! Stop behaving like a child, seriously.