Going Back to Work and Really Depressed

[Anonymous]

My DS is 4.5 months old and I just went back to work this week. We transitioned him to daycare last week, which was very hard...he cried and cried and cried, and his providers called me almost every day because he was inconsolable. He's also the youngest baby in his daycare, so the other kids all seem happy, toddling around, etc. It's a wonderful daycare center, with loving, energetic and happy staff, great certification, and a 3:1 ratio for infants. But every time I pick him up from daycare he is either sleeping (cried himself to sleep) or all red-eyed and choked up. I even leave his carseat there, because that's one of the few ways they can console him (putting him in the carseat and rocking it). I'm so miserable seeing him miserable, and it makes me hate my job, hate having to go back to work, and hate my DH for making me go back to work. We cannot afford a nanny/nanny share or for me to stay at home. I cry every day when I leave him because I have to leave him crying...something that just tears my heart to pieces. I know I cannot blame my husband. We are both doing the best we can.

I guess I'm just looking for some words of wisdom from other working moms who have gone through this. And have had to leave their babies in daycare at such an early age. I wish I could stay with him until he was at least a year old, but that just isn't happening. What can I do to make this transition easier? DH has been in denial about how hard it's been on our son and me, and hasn't been to the daycare center once to check on our little boy. He doesn't drop him off and see the crying, or pick him up and see how exhausted he is / puffy bloodshot eyes, etc. By the time DH gets home from work, our baby is happy again....so DH thinks everything is just rosy.

i'm miserable, and feel like the worst mother ever.

[Anonymous]

Big hugs, Mom. Working is a fact of life for many of us. Mine's been in day care since four months and is now two and a half. Transitions are hard for him, lasting about a week. The most inconsolable child I've seen at that day care, who cried literally all day every day, brightened up after 2 weeks. It "will" get better.

[Anonymous]

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I have to return to work in two weeks when my baby is 4 mths old. I'm already so sad to have to leave her. My little sister is coming for a couple months to sit for her, but my baby has never been away from me for longer than a few hours. I feel your pain.

[zumbamama]

I remember that day. Mine was only 8 weeks, and I had to go back to work. It was soooo tough and I felt exactly like you. Is there anyway you can get to the daycare at lunchtime?

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. I too am back at work and wish I could be at home with my six month old.

I don't have much advice to give you, but I have heard that it's actually harder to start leaving your infant when they are closer to a year, when separation anxiety kicks in. I know that's cold comfort, though.

It seems odd to me from what I've read and heard about that he would be crying so much -- my understanding was always that babies didn't have strong preferences about who their caregiver was at that age, and that as long as he is well-cared for he should be fine. I assume he does not cry like this when he is home with you on the weekend? (Just trying to rule out somethine else that is bothering him, like early teething or something like that). Maybe talk to your pediatrician to ensure there is nothing medical that is making him so unconsolable.

They say it gets easier but I think it gets harder -- at least on the parent. My son is happy in his child care situation, I can tell, but it is hard for me to leave this happy little boy because I wish I were the one who got to play with him and spend time with him all day. I try to get home early as often as possible and I make sure I'm really THERE when I am with him -- no blackberry, no chores, etc.

Best of luck to you. I'm convinced, by the way, that the whole you-can-do-it-all working mother thing is the biggest fraud ever. I wish we had a society in which mothers were expected to take a year off with their new babies!! Maybe someday. (and I'm a big liberal progressive, who knew I would become so conservative about thinking moms should stay home???)

Hugs your way. You're not alone.

[Anonymous]

Another working mom/daycare veteran here. The first few weeks are tough but it WILL get better. I would recommend if at all possible that you shorten your baby's time at daycare as much as you can. Can your husband or you leave for work early and pick the baby up early, while the other does drop off late and comes home late? My husband and I found that this kind of staggered schedule really worked for us. Also find out if you have any flexibility at all at work to ease the transition over the next few months--like can you work through lunch and leave early? Even 20 minutes a day can make a big difference.

Whatever you do, you really need to talk to your husband and make sure he is in this with you. With your having been home for maternity leave, you are probably so much more connected with the baby than he is, so he really probably doesn't get it at this point, but that is not to say he can't or won't unless he is a total Neanderthal (in which case you have bigger fish to fry.) Don't think there aren't dads who aren't involved--I work with a guy (demanding professional job) who disappears almost every day at noon to spend his lunch hour with his baby in daycare, and my husband and I switch off drop off /pick up as do MOST of the families in my daycare. For the PP who said we can't "have it all" I disagree. I think it is possible to have a good work/family balance BUT it is only possible if your spouse is 100% in it with you AND you have great childcare AND you have a great employer AND you do well on relatively little sleep!

Hang in there, you are not alone.

[Anonymous]

You are not alone. I have no words of wisdom. Just know that many of us are out here feeling the exact same way. And it does get better...

[Anonymous]

Big hugs mom, and you are NOT A BAD MOM. Sending DS to daycare was hard enough without the poor kid crying all over the place, eeesh...I agree with the PP, seems to be too early for separation anxiety, is it possible that it's something else? Teething maybe? Is he a kid that doesn't react well to change in routine?

I really feel for you honey ... but I think you'll find that one day he just happies up, for lack of a better term. My DS used to cry all the way to the daycare and it killed my DH. after 2 weeks he stopped yelling and now he falls asleep in the seat on the way there and DH just puts him in his crib once he's there.

I don't know that your employer will go for it, but I go to work super early so that I can leave a lot earlier in the afternoon, and DH does the morning routine with DS and takes him to daycare. I hate the fact that I am missing that fun time with my son, but my DH is getting the chance to actually parent our child (since he was hardly ever alone with him while I was staying at home), and they have really bonded. Plus, DH gets to see what's going on at daycare, and my leaving early limits DS's time at daycare and gives us some extra time before bed. I hope that that works for you, it works great for us. In fact DH doesn't have to be at work until 10, so DS is only there from 9:30 to 4.

Hugs, hugs, HUGS MAMA ... we've all been there with you.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. Thanks so much to all of you for your thoughts, encouragement, and advice. I was actually weeping as I wrote my post, and am now weeping again reading some of the responses. But I am encouraged to know that it does get better. I hope sooner rather than later. I feel so awful because, even at 4.5 months, DS is the youngest one there...so I don't see other babies his age crying, fussing, etc. The other infants in the room are all at least 7 months old, so they are definitely leaps and bounds ahead, sitting up, crawling, walking, eating cereal, etc. I feel like my son is SO NEEDY by comparison, and that he needs ME. He cannot sit up by himself. Heck, he cannot even roll over yet!

For the poster who suggested something else like early teething, I don't think that's it. DS is very VERY attached to me, and is a sensitive baby. Probably because I did attachment parenting and wore him all around in his sling for the first 4 months of his life. Now he's around different people suddenly.

I know there are plenty of Working Moms out there, and I always thought I would be the woman who had it all: career, children, etc. and balance it without issue. But, despite my previous career minded focus, I'm having a heck of a time. Even worse, I regret becoming so educated because it's forcing me to return to work to pay off student loans, instead of staying home with my DS, who is SOOO much more important to me. Ironic, isn't it?

To the poster who suggested a shorter daycare schedule == good tip. thank you. I am trying to work out an arrangement with my office that will allow me to get in earlier. Also, thanks to the poster who suggested visiting during lunch...I am going to try to do that as much as i can, so I can BF DS once and a while instead of pumping during the day. Between a lunch visit and early drop off/pick up, I am hoping that we can minimize the drama on him.

Thank you everyone, I appreciate the tips 100% and really REALLY want you to know that your words of encouragement make me feel so much better, knowing I'm not alone.

[Anonymous]

Can you actually ask that the provider NOT call you when he is inconsolable? I think that would make things MORE difficult for you because there isn't much you can do to help when you are away at the office. If I got a frantic phone call like that, I would sit there and think about it all day and feel uneasy.

Does your provider keep a log of your child's day (eating, sleeping, diaper changing schedule)? That helped me a lot in the beginning because I felt I could get a good sense of how the day went and any changes to the routine.

I'm sure your little one will adjust to his new provider in no time and hopefully the transition will get easier for you as well!

[Anonymous]

Another thing you could try - if your employer will allow it - is possibly working only half days for the first week or two (realize you already started, but maybe they would let you start ASAP). Or maybe just leaving work an extra hour or two. The transition from mommy around all the time to daycare for a long time is hard. I think the smart people ease into it (I was NOT one of the smart people by the way, and only realized we needed a better transition after I started back to work).

I ended up asking my husband to do drop off. He ended up getting so worried that he basically went into work really late, I visited at lunch and left work early, so my son was only really there without us about 4 hours. It was exhausting, not something you could keep up forever, but I think it helped.

And if it is a loving place, it will get better. Kids just have to get used to new people and learn to trust them. When my son got older, I had to drag him out of daycare some days he was having so much fun. And he runs and hugs the the ladies before he leaves. Actually, I think he kissed them before he kissed me!

[Anonymous]

It will get better. Have your husband do the dropping off so you don't have to have to tearful separation. You do the picking up so you get the joyful reunion. My kid is 6 and I picked that tip up from somewhere and it made a big difference for me and several other moms that I have passed it along to.

[Anonymous]

Can you actually ask that the provider NOT call you when he is inconsolable?

best advice yet!

[Anonymous]

I started bringing DD to day care when she was 4 months old. So don't think you're the only one with a tiny baby in day care, and don't feel guilty about it. At our center, there's a 3.5 month old.

I don't have much advice about how to help your DS right now, except to hope that this is a very temporary thing. But, as other pps have said, both parents working is a reality many of us have to live with. The very beginning is the hardest on you and your baby. Now, at 11 mo, I love seeing DD playing with other kids when we pick her up, and I love how excited she is when she sees us. The smiles are wonderful! You've got that to look forward to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even worse, I regret becoming so educated because it's forcing me to return to work to pay off student loans, instead of staying home with my DS, who is SOOO much more important to me. Ironic, isn't it?

quote]

I know!! I feel similarly...if I didn't make so much money, it wouldn't "cost" us so much for me to quit my job and stay home. I'm grateful to have a good paying job in this economy, but sometimes I secretly wish I only made $30,000 so it would make financial sense for me to stay home...