SIL was at the center of a major division in our family - keeps speaking poorly of the other side
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
SIL really stepped in it with some of my relatives. In her defense, these were some wackos and we all take their side of the story with a pound of salt. But the reality is that SIL sort of stormed into a situation she didn't know well, like a bull in a china shop, saw that the dynamic was bad, and then made it worse - and before SIL knew it, she had kickstarted WW3 with the craziest branch of the family tree. She did not quietly step out of the situation, which would have been ideal, but instead added her own layer of wackko-ness to the pot. Being new to the family and all, her fanning the flames did not go over well. (My immediate family either avoids or defuses - we don't expect newbies to know how to defuse, but we do hope that they will at the very least not to make things worse).
Well, okay, so what's done is done, now we can never have a joint Christmas celebration again with everyone there. That's a major bummer. My mom has cried many tears. But SIL is family, and while she could have handled this situation in a better way, she's not responsible for the disproportionate reaction my relatives gave in response. We've accepted it and even those of us who've actively tried to not take sides have de facto lost a chunk of our relationship with the other side of the family, simply by accepting SIL. It feels, to me at least, like I'm on SIL's side, even though I don't want a side. But SIL keeps bringing it up! And telling us how awful our family members are. I'm not sure what the point is - we've known the people she's talking trash about since they were babies or since we were babies. Does SIL think that her two month bad series of interactions is going to rewrite history and make us suddenly hate our family? Does she think she's telling us something we don't know? It seems like she's hoping we'll sympathize more with her side of the story, but the fact is that she already kinda won. Isn't that enough? |
Anonymous
|
What does your brother think?
Keep changing the topic whenever she brings it up and hope she gets a clue. |
Anonymous
|
Use your own words exactly
"SIL, please just stop bringing this up because there is no point. I realize you believe that our family members are awful but we've known these people since they were babies or since we were babies. You cannot rewrite history and make us suddenly hate our family. You aren't telling us something we don't know. Maybe you are hoping we'll sympathize more with your side of the story, but we already do. Isn't that enough? We know there are issues and we choose not to engage for the sake of being civil. We just want to keep peace within the family regardless of everyone's personalities. No one needs to win or lose or be right or wrong - we just have to coexist." |
Anonymous
|
"You've made your position clear. I really don't want to hear you bashing my relatives anymore. So please stop already."
But it'd be even better if your husband said it. |
Anonymous
|
I'd also suggest being direct with sil and not trying to change the subject as she's obviously not great at reading social cues or navigating delicate relationships.
I'd go with the second option above, simply because it's easier to remember.  unless you can read #1 while on a call with sil.
|
Anonymous
| "Margery, I really think at this point we need to let bygones be bygones. I understand your position but this is not fruitful anymore. How can we ease the tension other than not bringing it up?" |
Anonymous
| So your SIL called out the entire clan on their dysfunction and now she's the bad guy? Interesting, OP. |
Anonymous
That's what I got out of this. Sounds like OP's family is a bunch of avoiders and non-confronters. Makes you wonder why OP's brother was attracted to her SIL....... |
Anonymous
| So this is your brother's wife? Or you DH's sister? |
Anonymous
|
I think the obvious solution is to not bring her around these other family members until/unless she becomes willing to accept them for who they are.
Honestly, this whole thing sounds way more high drama than I would want to deal with. She shouldn't be taking BIG STANDS like that with people that she barely knows and these family members shouldn't be pushing buttons or being willfully unpleasant (whatever it is that they are doing) to new members of the family. Sounds like they all need to grow up and learn to get along and stop being rude to one another. |
Anonymous
|
Agree with the PPs that recommend just being direct with her.
I have plenty of extended family members that are tough to deal with, some that are just outright assholes. I would have a big problem if DH came storming in and picked a fight with them just to pick a fight. |
Anonymous
On the other hand, it's possible that SIL didn't pick a fight for the sake of picking a fight, but because the wacko family members were being wacko to her. The fact that everyone else just keeps their mouth shut doesn't mean she has to if she's the target of it. |
Anonymous
|
Sounds like you need to figure out a way to articulate your parameters - with SIL and also possibly w/ other family.
You need to be prepared to clearly state what you will and will not engage in (in a way that doesn't judge or blame if possible.) |
Anonymous
I'm just going based on the OP that stated the SIL "stormed into" the situation which, to me, means she inserted herself into the situation rather than SIL reacted to the family members treating her poorly. |
Anonymous
It's possible, but it also sounds like OP's family is very conflict-avoidant and/or over-reactive, so SIL saying anything might have been seen as "storming." And OP does state that the family members who blew up were overreacting. |