SIL was at the center of a major division in our family - keeps speaking poorly of the other side

[Anonymous]

It sounds as though SIL just "talked back" to some of the adversarial family members. Instead of biting her tongue and letting things slide like Op does, SIL chose to engage, butt heads and fan the flames creating more conflict.

I think this is one of those times when it was bad enough already and they really didn't need to have someone (SIL) make it even worse.

[Anonymous]

I guess you all should have indoctrinated your now-SIL about your family 'culture' before she married into it. You can't blame her for not following your preferred method of interacting with these 'wackos'. Sounds like she recognized when they were out of bounds and declined to just go along with it. I guess you're right that it's her fault there's now a breach but, from what you've posted, I can't fault her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess you all should have indoctrinated your now-SIL about your family 'culture' before she married into it. You can't blame her for not following your preferred method of interacting with these 'wackos'. Sounds like she recognized when they were out of bounds and declined to just go along with it. I guess you're right that it's her fault there's now a breach but, from what you've posted, I can't fault her.

+1

It sounds like least a significant part of your family is used to being big jerks about stuff and having no one say anything, and you expected her to somehow know that everyone just ignores this or at least refuses to challenge this bad behavior. But since you're taking her side, albeit reluctantly, it seems like she had a legit point, and your family members went nuts because they aren't used to anyone pushing back. So yeah, she might have triggered this division, but her alternative was to be a doormat like the rest of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess you all should have indoctrinated your now-SIL about your family 'culture' before she married into it. You can't blame her for not following your preferred method of interacting with these 'wackos'. Sounds like she recognized when they were out of bounds and declined to just go along with it. I guess you're right that it's her fault there's now a breach but, from what you've posted, I can't fault her.

+1

It sounds like least a significant part of your family is used to being big jerks about stuff and having no one say anything, and you expected her to somehow know that everyone just ignores this or at least refuses to challenge this bad behavior. But since you're taking her side, albeit reluctantly, it seems like she had a legit point, and your family members went nuts because they aren't used to anyone pushing back. So yeah, she might have triggered this division, but her alternative was to be a doormat like the rest of you.

I don't get that at all. To me, OP sounds like she understands how this could have happened, and is willing to forgive SIL for it. She just wants SIL to let it go at this point, and SIL won't let it go. She keeps trying to drag the rest of the family into a family wide hatefest for the other relatives. That's the problem now.

[Anonymous]

You have a dysfunctional family. Your SIL called them out. You are a little mad at SIL because she keeps bringing the altercation up.

You are even madder because SIL shined a light on the krazy and now all the dysfunctional holiday get togethers won't happen anymore.

[Anonymous]

Whatever the rights and wrongs of the past situation, what matters now is that SIL moves on. In her own interest, there's really nothing else to do. She sounds like a person who can't let go, and this might prove more problematic than anything else.

So you could tell her that it's just painful to hear her rehash the subject, and that it's not going to change anything.

Sorry you're in this situation, OP.

[Anonymous]

I don't get that at all. To me, OP sounds like she understands how this could have happened, and is willing to forgive SIL for it. She just wants SIL to let it go at this point, and SIL won't let it go. She keeps trying to drag the rest of the family into a family wide hatefest for the other relatives. That's the problem now

My take was that SIL was treated very poorly by the other relatives and received little/no support from OP's side. SIL is (futilely) looking for acknowledgement that the relatives' behavior was out of bounds but OP is doing to SIL what she did with the other relatives - saying nothing, sticking her head in the sand and hoping it will all blow over. I can easily see SIL posting on DCUM about how awful these relatives were to her, how she stood up for herself, how her ILs blame her for a family division, refuse to talk about the incident despite her best efforts to clear the air and if it had been her family that treated her DH this way she would have supported him fully.

I doubt the SIL is trying to get OP to 'hate' her awful relatives but I can easily see her looking for some acknowledgement of what she went through. I can't understand why OP doesn't have my sympathy and understanding of what SIL went thru if the relatives are as wacked as OP says and if SIL isn't telling OP anything she doesn't already know. It sounds like there are some real fucked up family relationships on OP's side.

But SIL keeps bringing it up! And telling us how awful our family members are. I'm not sure what the point is - we've known the people she's talking trash about since they were babies or since we were babies. Does SIL think that her two month bad series of interactions is going to rewrite history and make us suddenly hate our family? Does she think she's telling us something we don't know? It seems like she's hoping we'll sympathize more with her side of the story, but the fact is that she already kinda won. Isn't that enough?

[Anonymous]

Tell your brother to let slip to your SIL that she needs to drop it.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like an Ibsen play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don't get that at all. To me, OP sounds like she understands how this could have happened, and is willing to forgive SIL for it. She just wants SIL to let it go at this point, and SIL won't let it go. She keeps trying to drag the rest of the family into a family wide hatefest for the other relatives. That's the problem now

My take was that SIL was treated very poorly by the other relatives and received little/no support from OP's side. SIL is (futilely) looking for acknowledgement that the relatives' behavior was out of bounds but OP is doing to SIL what she did with the other relatives - saying nothing, sticking her head in the sand and hoping it will all blow over. I can easily see SIL posting on DCUM about how awful these relatives were to her, how she stood up for herself, how her ILs blame her for a family division, refuse to talk about the incident despite her best efforts to clear the air and if it had been her family that treated her DH this way she would have supported him fully.

I doubt the SIL is trying to get OP to 'hate' her awful relatives but I can easily see her looking for some acknowledgement of what she went through. I can't understand why OP doesn't have my sympathy and understanding of what SIL went thru if the relatives are as wacked as OP says and if SIL isn't telling OP anything she doesn't already know. It sounds like there are some real fucked up family relationships on OP's side.

But SIL keeps bringing it up! And telling us how awful our family members are. I'm not sure what the point is - we've known the people she's talking trash about since they were babies or since we were babies. Does SIL think that her two month bad series of interactions is going to rewrite history and make us suddenly hate our family? Does she think she's telling us something we don't know? It seems like she's hoping we'll sympathize more with her side of the story, but the fact is that she already kinda won. Isn't that enough?

That's how it read to me. SIL may not be thinking about "winning," or wanting you to "hate your family"; that's your take on it. She just might be looking for some acknowledgement that the other relatives were out of line, and you're refusing to give it. She might feel badly that her actions resulted in a rift, but also confused because no one will admit that her actions were understandable or justifiable, and she's looking for someone to tell her that they get it. If it were me, I would say something like, "Yeah, Aunt Larla was really out of line. But it's still hard to deal with this rift, because she's still my aunt and I love her. Families can be so complicated, can't they? I know she was really awful to you, but I find it really hard to listen to you say negative things about her."

[Anonymous]

I'm sure at the family gatherings the men just watch sports on T.V., eat, and drink, and it's the women who are like a horrible next of vipers.

Poor men.

[Anonymous]

Wonder what happened to OP........

[Anonymous]

Sometimes people keep harping on this kind of stuff if they have nothing else in common with others. Perhaps as time goes on and everyone makes an effort to create new shared experiences/interests, this will fade.

[Anonymous]

SIL is not required to "let it go." It's probably dawning on her that she married into a completely dysfunctional family, and is making futile attempts to try to get you all to acknowledge her pain.

[Anonymous]

This is the kind of person I imagine a lot of the posters on here defending SIL to be. SIL as well, probably.

At a certain point, you have to put on your big girl pants and LET IT GO!