When you kids behavior changes? Due to school environment?

[Anonymous]

Our child goes to a progressive school, and has been at this school for 2 years now. They are in middle elementary years. From our perspective at home there has been a negative shift this year. Our child, who previously was at a more structured school environment in another area has started to now have behavior issues. I am not sure where this is coming from to be honest. DC seems anxious and even though the school has been trying to accommodate their not being bored at school it isn't working well so far this year. our child is also very much aware of wanting to fit in with peers now so any special attention isn't received in the same way it would have been in the past. (Our child loved doing acamedic type projects in their own in the past and still does at home but not to the same extent) unfortunately there don't seem to be a lot of kids at this school that seek out academic challenge or interest. I base this off the fact that there is one after school type club that is service not academic in nature and when another club was proposd my child was one of two people interested.
After talking to his teacher for the third time this school year about his behavior , (at their request not ours) we feel like we might change schools after next academic year for middle school and beyond. They have noticed him being silly and say that he doesnt seem to have any deep connections with peers, but we know that other kids like him since he has been asked to have playdates and another mother said to me that her kid called DC a best friend. My concern is that since this year has been a sort of tough on for our kid, will another more academically focused and more traditionally structured school take my child?I'm now annoyed that we even put DC in this environment now since although the first year was great it is now not. School work is always done correctly, is musical and sporty and would love to he in an environment where the other kids are into academic oriented after school clubs etc. What would you do?

[Anonymous]

Do what you see is best for your own child. That's what I'd do.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, but would this behavior shift hurt his chances of getting into a more academic/structured middle school? Even if its stemming from a need for structure and more academic challenge?

[Anonymous]

There are kids out there who need to know *what* they are capable of in order to feel motivated. I was definitely a kid like that-- smart, but unfocused and in need of guidance and structure. It's not necessarily a problem- we're all wired differently and kids change over time. A less motivated child can be a highly motivated child in the right environment.
Kids can also tend to raise or lower their expectations of themselves depending on the school culture and peers. If the other kids are not academically focused, it's only natural that your child will follow suit.
Your child may feel anxious, in part, because they do not know what to expect each day. The anxiety + advanced academic needs + immature behavior combined would point me to an exceptionally bright child with some degree of social anxiety. The structured environment of the previous school probably mitigated this issue somewhat because the expectations were more predictable.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, PP. I think you are spot on with my child. They are only 9 at the moment so I know behavior can ebb and flow with development. But what do you think I could do to help with anxiety? Does anyone have a child therapist they recommend?

[Anonymous]

I would actually look beyond the academics and try and find out if there are other social emotional issues going on.

I am guessing your kid is 4th or 5th and this is when kids start forming cliques and kids start being motivating by their own desires instead of their parents. I can be scary and tough for a kid to grow up. We as adults just forget all those fears and feelings. How small is the school? Could your child need a bigger environment? Maybe they have been pigeonholed in a certain role and can't break away from that? Not having a deeper connection to peers might be a gentle way of saying they see him lost on the playground trying to figure out who to play with or even in class. Flitting from one group to another but not really meshing. And lots of kids say so and so is a best friend but I wouldn't put too much stock in it.

It might be that you see the academic element and lost interest and your child says the same because they do not really know how to talk to you about other more emotional issues going on.

Either way - it doesn't mean you should look at other school options if the school is no longer a fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would actually look beyond the academics and try and find out if there are other social emotional issues going on.

I am guessing your kid is 4th or 5th and this is when kids start forming cliques and kids start being motivating by their own desires instead of their parents. I can be scary and tough for a kid to grow up. We as adults just forget all those fears and feelings. How small is the school? Could your child need a bigger environment? Maybe they have been pigeonholed in a certain role and can't break away from that? Not having a deeper connection to peers might be a gentle way of saying they see him lost on the playground trying to figure out who to play with or even in class. Flitting from one group to another but not really meshing. And lots of kids say so and so is a best friend but I wouldn't put too much stock in it.

It might be that you see the academic element and lost interest and your child says the same because they do not really know how to talk to you about other more emotional issues going on.

Either way - it doesn't mean you should look at other school options if the school is no longer a fit.

The thing is I know what my kid does every day at recess...sports! It is THE activity that they participate in at recess. They are at a smallish school and a lot of the kids have been there since K or PreK, but not us. My DC opened up and said that they felt sad at the start of the school year and has since said that last year was better in class, now DC says they feel better about things, but its no where near perfect if teacher at school is seeing this change in behavior...

[Anonymous]

Wanted to add that although I don't think it's a good fit long term I'm also not happy about DC changing schools again from a social perspective, but then again I guess it could be wonderful if DC found a group of kids that clicked in middle school based in shared interests.

[Anonymous]

Usually, the biggest problem in a kids life is their parents. You should examine that possibility.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, but nothing had changed in my parenting the past year, so might not be the case...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are kids out there who need to know *what* they are capable of in order to feel motivated. I was definitely a kid like that-- smart, but unfocused and in need of guidance and structure. It's not necessarily a problem- we're all wired differently and kids change over time. A less motivated child can be a highly motivated child in the right environment.
Kids can also tend to raise or lower their expectations of themselves depending on the school culture and peers. If the other kids are not academically focused, it's only natural that your child will follow suit.
Your child may feel anxious, in part, because they do not know what to expect each day. The anxiety + advanced academic needs + immature behavior combined would point me to an exceptionally bright child with some degree of social anxiety. The structured environment of the previous school probably mitigated this issue somewhat because the expectations were more predictable.

I would tend to agree with this statement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, but nothing had changed in my parenting the past year, so might not be the case...

Maybe that's the problem.

[Anonymous]

Maybe a therapist to get at some of the issues and help him through.

He sounds like he might be a good candidate for St. Anselm's, but I don't think that starts until sixth.

[Anonymous]

My DD went to therapy with a specialist in children's anxiety. She helped in giving out tools and ways to handle what was the bothering her. Very happy with the results; Dr. Jacquelynn Hollman. She had an office in Wisconsin Ave,NW (Ross Center).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Usually, the biggest problem in a kids life is their parents. You should examine that possibility.

I agree with this. Changing the kids' school twice in 3 years is a lot: from structured to progressive and now you want to go back to structured. Geez.