Emotionally detached from one another.

[Anonymous]

I feel so alone in our relationship. Sort of like we are emotionally detached from one another. I am not a woman that requires a huge amount of attention but I do want to be talked to by my significant other. He stays on his phone constantly. Nothing that screams affair. He has a lot of male friends and they all chat together. But at the end of the day, what about me? I tried talking to him. I try starting up convos. I tell him how I feel. It either leads to a fight or to a great one day but that's it. We have been postponing therapy on both ends. He doesn't give a damn if we go. I feel like I'm forcing him to go. How do we get out of this rut? Sex life is great but still, we are emotionally detached. At the end of the day, I want someone I can talk to, laugh with, and cry to. Why can't he be this man?

[Anonymous]

Is this something new? How new?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Honestly, no it's not new. Sort of opposite attracts when we met each other. But now it's as if we are clashing.

[Anonymous]

So probably not much chance of change. Are there kids?

[Anonymous]

I am emotionally detached. Just how I am wired, I don't know how I can change it. I am just not an amorous person. Very even keeled. Some women hate it, some love the stability of it. If you need an overly passionate man, you two may just be mismatched.

[Anonymous]

If you aren't married you may want to seriously consider leaving. What are you waiting for? I don't mean that snarkily, are you waiting for him to change? If so give it a deadline because it's very unlikely.
If he's "chatting" with his male friends and not you that means he just doesn't want to chat with you. Nothing you can do with that.

[Anonymous]

you say you're avoiding couple therapy - how about some therapy for yourself, to help you think this through?

[Anonymous]

Men connect through sex and women connect through conversation. If both are not happening regularly you cannot expect to feel connected to your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried talking to him directly, in a non-accusatory way? "DH, I miss you. I feel like we used to have fun together, we used to talk a lot, we used to spend time together, and now I feel so distant from you. Can we try committing to eating dinner together every night without any devices around?" If dinner together wouldn't be your thing, try finding something else you can do together instead that can pretty readily become a daily ritual. I recently went through this with my husband, and all it took for us was setting one thing we did consistently every day together to really turn things around for us. It reminded up of how we enjoyed being together, and we started seeking it out more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men connect through sex and women connect through conversation. If both are not happening regularly you cannot expect to feel connected to your spouse.

I am the male poster who wrote in earlier, described myself as emotionally detached. And yes, I connect through sex. I have made an effort to connect other ways so she can feel connected enough to have sex. Give and take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men connect through sex and women connect through conversation. If both are not happening regularly you cannot expect to feel connected to your spouse.

I am the male poster who wrote in earlier, described myself as emotionally detached. And yes, I connect through sex. I have made an effort to connect other ways so she can feel connected enough to have sex. Give and take.

You must have some interest in emotions if you are reading and posting in a relationship forum? Do you know how you feel about things but you just don't express it? Or do you have a hard time knowing what your feelings are?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Not married but have kids together. I really want to make it work but he seems so far gone emotionally from me. He acts like he is depressed when around me but lights up with his friends. I told him how I felt this morning. Said I felt jealous of his friends. I want that same connection with him. I want to be his friend too. He stayed silent and said then said he doesn't know what I'm talking about, I'm crazy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not married but have kids together. I really want to make it work but he seems so far gone emotionally from me. He acts like he is depressed when around me but lights up with his friends. I told him how I felt this morning. Said I felt jealous of his friends. I want that same connection with him. I want to be his friend too. He stayed silent and said then said he doesn't know what I'm talking about, I'm crazy

Kudos to you for talking to him OP. I'm sorry his response wasn't better. If he won't go to therapy go by yourself to get some support on how to handle this.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he could be gas lighting you - calling you crazy for expressing your feelings is emotionally manipulative. As are a lot of the other behaviors you described. I don't think I'd try to make it work with someone who had so clearly demonstrated how little my happiness mattered to him...

[Anonymous]

This guy sounds like a narcissist . Was he really into you in the very beginning of your relationship ? Google Narcissistic and see if he has some of the same traits. What little I have heard leads me to believe he is. If so, I'm sorry. There is not much you can do for this type of person.