Crushed and onto my 6th fresh cycle.

[Anonymous]

I'm not necessarily writing for any advice. Just need somewhere to vent. I'm so heartbroken. On Christmas Eve, after being sure I was in for another BFN, my beta came back positive. I was so overjoyed. 2015 was a particularly ugly year. Lost a baby at 17 weeks and had a few unsuccessful cycles since. I thought that 2016 was going to be different. My betas were nice and high, and we saw the little heartbeat about a week ago. Then, on Friday at 8 weeks, I went in with cramps, and the heartbeat had dropped. They couldn't even find it at first. When they did, it was fluctuating but mostly around 70 or so. Basically, my baby was dying. I have to go in on Monday for a follow up where I'm certain we won't see anything anymore. Then I'll have to decide between potentially messing up my lining with a D&C or waiting God knows how long to miscarry with a pill or naturally.

And then I'm back to fucking square one since I never get any embryos to freeze. This last clinic was out of state, so I have to decide if I want to go back once more, which is all I can afford, or to go back to Shady Grove where I wasn't even getting to transfer most of the time.

I have been crying for the last two days. I can't eat or get out of bed. I am just so, so crushed. This is so fucking unfair.

[Anonymous]

I'm really sorry Op. {{hugs}}

[Anonymous]

Im so sorry OP, that is so unfair. Stay in bed as long as you want, cry as much as you need to. Infertilityand miscarriage suck so much.

[Anonymous]

I'm so, so sorry OP. It's so unfair. Sending you hugs and peace.

[Anonymous]

I'm so very sorry. Sending you love and comfort in this really unfair, difficult time.

[Anonymous]

Hugs, I am so sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. Are you doing PGD? With two losses I would start to ask some additional questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, OP. Are you doing PGD? With two losses I would start to ask some additional questions.

I usually can't get any embryos to day 5 for testing. My last transfer was a day 3 for this reason.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

So sorry. That is awful, sucky, etc. and there is no way around just kinda being in the awfulness of it for awhile.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry you are nearing the end of your OE IVF journey. I remember what a horrible dark place it is.

But there is still hope, if you are open to it. My biggest regret is holding on to OE dreams for so long. I totally understand that moving on to DE is a big emotional leap. But if you are short on funds, please at least search your heart to see if you might be open to trying it.

If you aren't, I totally understand. But I have to say, as someone who is on the other side, I can't imagine loving my DE baby any less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry you are nearing the end of your OE IVF journey. I remember what a horrible dark place it is.

But there is still hope, if you are open to it. My biggest regret is holding on to OE dreams for so long. I totally understand that moving on to DE is a big emotional leap. But if you are short on funds, please at least search your heart to see if you might be open to trying it.

If you aren't, I totally understand. But I have to say, as someone who is on the other side, I can't imagine loving my DE baby any less.

I know there are some DE haters on this board but I agree with this post myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry you are nearing the end of your OE IVF journey. I remember what a horrible dark place it is.

But there is still hope, if you are open to it. My biggest regret is holding on to OE dreams for so long. I totally understand that moving on to DE is a big emotional leap. But if you are short on funds, please at least search your heart to see if you might be open to trying it.

If you aren't, I totally understand. But I have to say, as someone who is on the other side, I can't imagine loving my DE baby any less.

Thanks, but I'm just not there yet. I do have a child from my 1st of the 5 IVFs I've undergone. And I'm covered locally, just not out of state where I'm currently cycling. I'm glad it was the right decision for you, though. I don't think I'm ready to go that route.

[Anonymous]

OP. Virtual hug for you. I also had "saw hear beat, then no heart beat next week" Nov 2015 right before Thanksgiving. My case was trisomy 13. I am also left with no embryos so I have to start yet again fresh cycle this year. I just wanted to let u know u are not the only one and hope u get recovered from MC sooner so u can hopefully start ur next cycle. Next cycle will be my 5th.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry you are nearing the end of your OE IVF journey. I remember what a horrible dark place it is.

But there is still hope, if you are open to it. My biggest regret is holding on to OE dreams for so long. I totally understand that moving on to DE is a big emotional leap. But if you are short on funds, please at least search your heart to see if you might be open to trying it.

If you aren't, I totally understand. But I have to say, as someone who is on the other side, I can't imagine loving my DE baby any less.

please stop your DE proselytizing. it's not for everyone, never will be.