ILs and social media

[Anonymous]

We are expecting our first in a few month-- there are already grandkids on both sides. My MIL is retired and spends 99% of her time on Facebook. She's a total over sharer (including posting about SIL's-- her daughter- miscarriage (SIL had her remove it). She tagged herself in a bunch of our honeymoon pics (clearly she wasn't there- and SIL also stepped in to tell her that isn't what you do), and she comments awkwardly on everything and really stresses me out about what she is going to say (for example, I'm choosing not to put the pregnancy on Facebook). I'm leaning toward a total social media blackout for all things baby, partially because I know that if the door is open even a little, she will share more than I want about our child, and I don't want this to be a constant source of frustration for me or tension for our relationship.

Anyone have experience setting these types of boundaries? How did they go? It is going to be a challenge- she questions everything (for example-- me not wanting to share pregnancy news on Facebook wasn't sufficient, we had to explain that it's because I am friends with some of my clients on Facebook and I won't be telling them for several more months). When the church for our wedding had a rule about covering shoulders she made a huge deal about it, as well, and during the holidays she repeatedly questioned if my "do not eat" list from my OB was really that necessary, since those weren't the rules when she was pregnant 30+ years ago. She shares pics of her other grandkids on a weekly or daily basis-- including sharing any photos their parents post as if she is there with them (on vacation, etc). She also friends everyone she meets-- including random strangers she strikes up a conversation with- so it's not like the sharing is limited to family.

DH will be on my side no matter what, but doesn't really understand why I care so much about what gets shared. SIL is generally an ally when it comes to the crazy MIL Facebook usage, but will also not understand this. (FWIW, my family doesn't share on Facebook so they aren't the problem. There are like 0 posts or pics of my nephews on social media). I am very interested in letting our child leave his own digital footprints and not overly exposing him from a young age. I feel like he and I got to define our own online personas, and baby should have the ability to do the same.

[Anonymous]

You and DH need to practice saying, "We don't expect you to understand every decision we make for our child, but we do expect you to respect those decisions."

Also, "this is what works for us. we aren't discussing it any more."

Etc.

You need to set a boundary that you aren't going to explain everything or that at some point you won't keep discussing it.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you just block her on FB?
Or set your photo privacy settings to not include her?
I did not accept the friend requests from my MIL or any of the "grown ups" on my husband's side. (I am friends with the cousins etc).

[Anonymous]

Is there a way to block any of your photos being shared by a FB friend?

You and DH will need to have a serious, gentle but firm discussion with your MIL about this.

[Anonymous]

Create a list of friends/family that you feel comfortable sharing photos and/or posts. Exclude her from the list so she doesn't see any of your posts.

Have your husband tell her you don't want others posting photos of your family without your permission. But that's trickier because if she takes a photo of your child, she can post it herself.

Good luck, OP, I feel for you. I have an acquaintance in her 50s who has no boundaries and posts everything on FB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Create a list of friends/family that you feel comfortable sharing photos and/or posts. Exclude her from the list so she doesn't see any of your posts.

Have your husband tell her you don't want others posting photos of your family without your permission. But that's trickier because if she takes a photo of your child, she can post it herself.

Good luck, OP, I feel for you. I have an acquaintance in her 50s who has no boundaries and posts everything on FB.

So only people in their 50s over-share on Facebook?

Ageist.

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering if that's a battle you really want to fight, meaning the "social media blackout" since she posts pictures of her other grandchildren and yours will be conspicuously missing.
What if there is a family event and group photo?
Are you going to post pictures of your own but then ask her not to share?

I tried valiantly for awhile to stay on Facebook but not "allow" any pictures of my children and it was a losing battle. From them being tagged at birthday parties to family pictures, it was impossible. So I deactivated my account, asked everyone again not to post pictures, and then am blissfully unaware if they do.
I'm sorry OP, but it's really not something you can completely control

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Create a list of friends/family that you feel comfortable sharing photos and/or posts. Exclude her from the list so she doesn't see any of your posts.

Have your husband tell her you don't want others posting photos of your family without your permission. But that's trickier because if she takes a photo of your child, she can post it herself.

Good luck, OP, I feel for you. I have an acquaintance in her 50s who has no boundaries and posts everything on FB.

So only people in their 50s over-share on Facebook?

Ageist.

Don't think so since I'm a few years older than her.

[Anonymous]

There's a setting that will not let your photos e tagged without your permission. Do that so she can't randomly tag herself and have your photos show up on her wall. Not sure if there's a similar setting for sharing photos/ posts.

[Anonymous]

My family is on Facebook but they don't share and post to that extent. They weren't happy about me telling them we won't be posting pictures of our kids but ultimately respected it.

My ILs are not on Facebook or other social media accounts but are over sharers in their general life. And my MIL has a way of retelling things that make it not at all how it is. She is like her own game of telephone. In general, we just limit how much we share and tell them.

I think she would be really upset if she found out you were posting photos on Facebook but just blocked her from seeing them, as PP suggested. I would have an all or none approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family is on Facebook but they don't share and post to that extent. They weren't happy about me telling them we won't be posting pictures of our kids but ultimately respected it.

My ILs are not on Facebook or other social media accounts but are over sharers in their general life. And my MIL has a way of retelling things that make it not at all how it is. She is like her own game of telephone. In general, we just limit how much we share and tell them.

I think she would be really upset if she found out you were posting photos on Facebook but just blocked her from seeing them, as PP suggested. I would have an all or none approach.

OP here-- I agree, blocking or otherwise limiting will actually cause more drama, and would feel passive aggressive. I liked the other PP who just suggested the "you don't need to understand, but please respect our decision" language... That is probably something we will need to practice. I wish there was better etiquette about what you share, especially if you are sharing other people's children. I think there is also a difference between fighting to keep every photo off Facebook (probably not feasible) and saying something like... We are going to limit DC's Facebook presence, so we do not plan to post photos and ask others use discretion as well... And then for things like family photos that would be awkward to avoid, just avoid tagging DC/not add personal details like name rtc.

[Anonymous]

I have a crazy mother. I DO NOT engage, because there is not reasoning with her. So I just limit contact and give info as needed.

This is what you should do: minimize your FB, and know that she will disseminate the pics you do put up there. Who cares if there are less pics of your kids than the cousins?

[Anonymous]

In VA it's a criminal offense for the image of a minor to be shared/broadcast publicly without the parent's permission. If you live in VA you could conceivably puts charges if MIL doors this.

[Anonymous]

I could have written your post almost verbatim. My MIL has no sense of social media etiquette and often shares photos of my nieces and nephews on that side without their parents' permission. This was a major factor in our decision not to put DD on Facebook. We just let them know that - they probably think we're crazy, but who cares. Of course they came to visit the baby and posted photos. I asked mil to take them down. Just be kind and polite but firm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family is on Facebook but they don't share and post to that extent. They weren't happy about me telling them we won't be posting pictures of our kids but ultimately respected it.

My ILs are not on Facebook or other social media accounts but are over sharers in their general life. And my MIL has a way of retelling things that make it not at all how it is. She is like her own game of telephone. In general, we just limit how much we share and tell them.

I think she would be really upset if she found out you were posting photos on Facebook but just blocked her from seeing them, as PP suggested. I would have an all or none approach.

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