Going straight to donor eggs?

[Anonymous]

I went to my first RE appt last week and was shocked to learn I have DOR. I'm 33 years old, 2 miscarriages since mid-2014 (dx hypothyroid, now very closely monitored) but unable to get pregnant for the past year. Only 3 follicles seen on my ultrasound, high FSH and likely very low AMH (results not back yet). I was pretty gutted. DH is 42 and his semen analysis is perfect. My doc wants me to try IVF with my own eggs, but the odds are so low given how few eggs will likely be removed, and I'm not sure I can handle the physical and emotional drain after what we've already gone through. IUI wasn't presented as a realistic option for me but maybe I should have asked more about that.

DH and I are OK with donor eggs - thinking about that route is actually a relief. I'd be excited to have a full batch of frozen eggs that we could use to build our family over the next 6 years or whatever, assuming I am able to carry successfully. We'd love to have 3 kids, and that dream felt further and further from our reality with each miscarriage and every month of BFN. But, at my age, it seems possible to do with DE.

But is it strange to not even try IVF with my own eggs? I feel like that raises eyebrows. I don't know if I'm being too impatient, wanting to skip straight to the procedure with the highest odds even though that means giving up on my own eggs, but I just can't bear the thought of even one round of IVF. I don't know why. And I know I'm not doing this for anyone other than me and my husband and our future family, but I can't shake that insecurity.

I know the internet can't tell me what the right choice, but I'm interested in hearing any perspectives on this. I'm not even a week into a dx of infertility and just trying to find my way in this new world.

[Anonymous]

OP here - just want to clarify that I know donor eggs involve IVF, but if we go the frozen route (my hospital has a large bank) I could match the transfer to my natural cycle and avoid all of the stimming and hormones associated with IVF using my own eggs.

[Anonymous]

This is a personal question and one only you can answer. I would work with a therapist who deals with fertility issues to help you work through your feelings.

For me, we started ART when I was 40. Moved to IVF at 42/43. I knew it was a long shot to get pregnant with my eggs. But we had to try. Eventually we moved to DE, but I was at peace with it because I had tried everything.

In your shoes and age, I would look into NCIVF. Not as many drug as regular IVF.

[Anonymous]

Different people have different feelings about DE. It was a possibility for me, but I think I am more attached to my own genetics than alot of people, so it was hard to think about. Obviously other people can reasonably feel differently.

Essentially you have been trying with your own eggs for the past year. If your fsh is high (I assume you were tested on day 3 of your cycle and it was over 10?), then your odds of success with ivf are not fantastic. I don't think it would be unreasonable in that situation to move forward with DE.

[Anonymous]

OP It is a tough situation. But if you RE told you based on your levels that IVF OE was unlikely to succeed, then he is unfortunately probably correct. In the past you would be looking at adoption but today that has become very difficult. If you want a baby, you might just go ahead with DE. We did DE and did not tell anyone -- we just felt that we wanted to be private and will tell the DCs when they are older. Worked out fine for us -- our children look just like us -- genetics. It is hard to not use your OE, but if they are not going to work ....

[Anonymous]

OP I just went on a site that was called "average looks for each country" that is German, French, Korean ect It was amazing to me how many people looked exactly like their heritage. Maybe that does not matter to you but I thought it was interesting.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I appreciate the responses. To the pp, my day 3 FSH is 11.5, so pretty high. My RE would like me to try my eggs first - he published a paper on IVF success with low AMH and believes I have a chance. But, admittedly, it's still a low chance.

If we want a 2nd kid down the line we'll likely have no choice but DE, so would it matter to me that I have one 100% biological and one that's with a donor? If I believe I'd see them both as equal children, why "bother" with the likely heartache of even trying with my own egg? Questions for me and DH to work through, obviously.

I hadn't heard of NCIVF but that might be a good compromise, too. I'll ask my doctor about it.

[Anonymous]

Many clinics don't do Natural Cycle IVF, so they might not tell you about it. Also, look into ways to lower your FSH--acupuncture, Traditional Chinese Herbs, diet, supplements, etc.

[Anonymous]

Mom of kids through DE here. I anguished about the DE decision and I really applaud and admire your openness to it.

My only regret in the whole process is that I didn't just go directly to DE. I think you have put lots into this already - there is zero shame in DE. It might, as you said, have the silver lining of giving you the potential of multiple children, all of whom would be 100% genetic siblings - so that may count for something.

And there is something wonderful about moving forward with something that is more likely to work. It's returns a bit of the hope and joyousness to the process (at least it did for me.)

Do what feels right for you OP. If you want to get on with building your family and DE is a solution that could potentially take away several hurdles for you then go for it.

All the best to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom of kids through DE here. I anguished about the DE decision and I really applaud and admire your openness to it.

My only regret in the whole process is that I didn't just go directly to DE. I think you have put lots into this already - there is zero shame in DE. It might, as you said, have the silver lining of giving you the potential of multiple children, all of whom would be 100% genetic siblings - so that may count for something.

And there is something wonderful about moving forward with something that is more likely to work. It's returns a bit of the hope and joyousness to the process (at least it did for me.)

Do what feels right for you OP. If you want to get on with building your family and DE is a solution that could potentially take away several hurdles for you then go for it.

All the best to you.

OP here. Thank you. I think you hit on something that I hadn't yet identified -- that, for the first time in a while, I feel a bit of the hope I felt my very first cycle TTC. Ironically, I got pregnant that very first month, right after DH and I were on our honeymoon. I thought it would all be so easy! But nothing has been easy since.

[Anonymous]

NP here and DE mom. OP, if you're open to DE your chances of ultimately having those three kids you want are very high. Somebody will inevitably post - and for good reason - that there are no guarantees even with DE. However the odds of success are so much higher with DE when egg quality or reserve is the issue.

We didn't go straight to DE but we wasted little time on my OE. No regrets. I have one OE child from several years ago, and after 40, it wasn't happening. Having an OE and a DE child is wonderful. If they were both DE or both OE I could not love them more.

I'm a fan of DE obviously. The thing is that at your age depending on finances and emotional resources it would not be crazy to try with your OE for a bit. You have good options either way.

I wish you the best!

[Anonymous]

Have you been on this forum long? I have and many, many people talk about the rough road they have traveled and that they wish they had just gone straight to DE instead of going through all the unsuccessful OE cycles. I am in this camp. The problem is the whole mental process to get there and decide you are okay with DE. If you are going for three and want to make the best use of your time and money I'd say you are well ahead of the game in going straight to DE and you will save yourself a lot of pain and anguish. You just need to make sure you are okay with what would have been.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I went straight to DE, never tried OE. My situation was similar to yours, perhaps a bit worse (my Dx was POF; ridiculously high FSH - much higher than yours - and my other numbers weren't much better). RE gave me a 1-5% chance of an OE kid in my early 30s. I didn't like those odds and didn't have the money to spend on "pointless" IVF. I wanted kids more than I wanted kids that share my genes. I did DE and don't regret it for a second. I love my kids more than I could ever imagine. But note that DE isn't a silver bullet, it took me multiple cycles and donors to get pregnant. For that reason I'd recommend a guarantee program like SG.

[Anonymous]

If it were me and money were no object, I'd want to at least try my own eggs first while they are still there. DE will always be an option but your eggs won't. You do have age on your side and I do recall reading a study that showed young DOR women had better rates of success that older DOR women with similiar lab values. To add to that, I frequent another board with a DOR subforum and it seems like probably 50% of them on there have had success at some point, and almost all of those were "surprise BFP's".

It only takes one good egg to make a baby, it just depends on how long you are willing to wait for it to happen (if ever) with your own eggs before moving on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it were me and money were no object, I'd want to at least try my own eggs first while they are still there. DE will always be an option but your eggs won't. You do have age on your side and I do recall reading a study that showed young DOR women had better rates of success that older DOR women with similiar lab values. To add to that, I frequent another board with a DOR subforum and it seems like probably 50% of them on there have had success at some point, and almost all of those were "surprise BFP's".

It only takes one good egg to make a baby, it just depends on how long you are willing to wait for it to happen (if ever) with your own eggs before moving on.

Unfortunately it's not only money, but also time and sanity. IF is HARD. Your emotional wellbeing is important, too.