For sexless marriage veterans....

[Anonymous]

DW here. Been married 11 years, late thirties. Have been in a largely sexless marriage for years now. I'm the only one who initiates...he'll do it to placate me. Just really don't know how long I can keep this up. I'm really not interested in suggestions on how to get him interested...this isn't going to change and was not always the dynamic in our marriage...so I didn't know what I was getting into. I'm starting to hit my sexual peak, am very attractive and energetic, and am becoming resentful I'm going to miss sharing this stage of my life with an active and interested partner. I've stayed and tried to maintain a good attitude because of my children...but again, becoming really resentful and just plain sad. Those of you who have dealt with this...do you wish you had left earlier? What did you do to cope? Thanks in advance for any help.

[Anonymous]

I eat well, burrow myself in work, workout, and porn.

[Anonymous]

OP, it will never change. I'm also a DE trapped in forced celibacy. Look for an AP. I have, but have yet to act

[Anonymous]

Never changed for me. I finally snapped. Cheated. Started counseling alone and with him. 15 mos later we are divorced and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I eat well, burrow myself in work, workout, and porn.

Yep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW here. Been married 11 years, late thirties. Have been in a largely sexless marriage for years now. I'm the only one who initiates...he'll do it to placate me. Just really don't know how long I can keep this up. I'm really not interested in suggestions on how to get him interested...this isn't going to change and was not always the dynamic in our marriage...so I didn't know what I was getting into. I'm starting to hit my sexual peak, am very attractive and energetic, and am becoming resentful I'm going to miss sharing this stage of my life with an active and interested partner. I've stayed and tried to maintain a good attitude because of my children...but again, becoming really resentful and just plain sad. Those of you who have dealt with this...do you wish you had left earlier? What did you do to cope? Thanks in advance for any help.

I was in a sexless marriage and found an AP that was also in a sexless marriage... The sex between my AP and I is intense and passionate. And fun... Every other year I would have a talk with my DW about my unhappiness and nothing ever came out of it. Then the last time... I told her that I want to separate and she really changed a lot. But just like normal.. She has no real passion towards me. Everything feels forced and unnature.

I would say unless you want a divorce... find an AP. I was waiting for my kids to graduate from high school...

There are a lot of other people suffering in sexless marriages.. I only wish that there was a safe match.com for us.

But I would marry my current AP this second if we could.. But I am not sure that we will last until out kids are all graduated... Her wait is not as long as mine..

[Anonymous]

Ultimate veteran here! Not saying get divorced now but situation probably won't get a lot better. It is a difference in sex drive. He was probably faking it earlier in your marriage/relationship. Keeping busy with my kids helped me cope. I would suggest going to counseling now to find out what is really going on.

[Anonymous]

You say this wasnt always the dynamic. What changed?
Have you tried to address the causes?
Investigated possible medical/psychological issues?

We went through a long dry period (~6 yrs of less than once a month, as little as 5 times in a year) and managed to get back on track. DH was stressed, medicated with antidepressants, then we had babies...this all killed our sex life. I had to take charge in changing the situation. The hardest part was initiating the conversations and in getting him to admit there was a problem, since this issue really cuts to the core of a man's masculinity and self esteem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say this wasnt always the dynamic. What changed?
Have you tried to address the causes?
Investigated possible medical/psychological issues?

We went through a long dry period (~6 yrs of less than once a month, as little as 5 times in a year) and managed to get back on track. DH was stressed, medicated with antidepressants, then we had babies...this all killed our sex life. I had to take charge in changing the situation. The hardest part was initiating the conversations and in getting him to admit there was a problem, since this issue really cuts to the core of a man's masculinity and self esteem.

new Poster here, i am also in sexless marriage, 1 time since our second child was born a year ago: can you tell me more about how you helped DH? no antidepressants for mine but he is stressed and tired

[Anonymous]

I am I a sexless marriage too. Neither of us initiates and there is not enough trust and intimacy. I feel bad for him, but I have no desire. Neither of us initiates for fear of rejection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I eat well, burrow myself in work, workout, and porn.

Yep

Take out the porn, and you are describing 95 percent of the married women in my neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am I a sexless marriage too. Neither of us initiates and there is not enough trust and intimacy. I feel bad for him, but I have no desire. Neither of us initiates for fear of rejection.

Sounds like a party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say this wasnt always the dynamic. What changed?
Have you tried to address the causes?
Investigated possible medical/psychological issues?

We went through a long dry period (~6 yrs of less than once a month, as little as 5 times in a year) and managed to get back on track. DH was stressed, medicated with antidepressants, then we had babies...this all killed our sex life. I had to take charge in changing the situation. The hardest part was initiating the conversations and in getting him to admit there was a problem, since this issue really cuts to the core of a man's masculinity and self esteem.

NP here, and a DH. I've quoted and highlighted this because this was our experience as well. Went through some years (most of our 40's) where sex was really rare, about the same frequency as PP describes. Things are better now, probably 3 times a month which isn't great but 36 times a year is far better than 6 times a year. In our case I think it was simply the kids being older and self-suffucenet and DW and I spending time with each other alone as opposed to everything revolving around something with kids.

I only bring this up to counteract the notion that things can't turn around, because they can. I'm very glad I didn't bolt during those lean years.

[Anonymous]

I'm in a completely sexless marriage. We've had sex once since DS was born 8 years ago. DW at first told me that women have no desire when they are nursing. But after she stopped nursing she still had no desire. I finally couldn't take it anymore and started doing outcall when I was on travel. Had this happened earlier I would have been out the door but I'm in my 50s now. My health has declined and I no longer look like the athlete I once was. I doubt that I could find anyone to whom I'm attracted who would be attracted to me. In all other ways DW is great. So I tough it out.

[Anonymous]

This thread is just sad! Anybody living in a sexless marriage has only him/herself to blame. I could NOT live in my sexless marriage. Guess what I did? I manned-the-F up and told her we better "fix" this immediately otherwise she must choose between me remaining married or monogamous. Guess what SHE did? Suddenly "found" her lost libido, and we've stayed married with a normal sex life ever since.

Moral to this story: do NOT just wait for something to change. YOU must act, and you must be willing to risk the marriage to actually save it.