adults calling kids "babe" and "girlfriend"

[Anonymous]

I recently went to see my child participate in an after school activity at her elementary school. While the "teacher" for this activity seems great, I was disturbed to hear him call the girls in the class "babe" or "girlfriend". He does it to all the girls equally; it did not seem like he was singling my daughter out. He calls the boys "dude." Sometimes he uses their names, sometimes these other forms of address. I think he does this because he thinks it makes him seem cool. Also, he provides this after school activity at a number of different schools, and I'm sure it's hard for him to keep all the kids' names straight, but there's gotta be some other way. I'm fine with dude or even "hey, you."

I talked to my daughter about it in passing and mentioned that I thought it was really inappropriate and sort of disrespectful, and, of course, her attitude was "I don't think it's disrespectful" and "I'm fine with it." I tried to explain why I thought it was offensive -- objectification, calling kids something w/ sexual overtones, the history of women and the workplace and being called "hon" or "doll," etc., but of course she didn't get it and only seemed to think I was the one with the problem.

Clearly, this really rubs my feminist self the wrong way. Although I don't think there's anything sexual behind it, I do think it's way over the line. I really think it's awful that she's being given the idea at this young age that it's OK for men to call her this. I mean she's only 8 y.o.?! I think this normalizes for her that a teacher or boss can talk to her like this.

Am I crazy? If not, any ideas as to how to approach this with the teacher?

[Anonymous]

Is the teacher young? If he is, he may not have thought about what you are saying. I think that you can bring it up to him, calmly and without sounding judgmental, and tell him that you don't like the way it sounds, and give him the reasoning that you posted here. He's probably never really thought about it, because nobody ever mentioned it to him.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't call you crazy, but I do think you're over-thinking it. I can understand your reasons for objecting, but that's based on your context, not your daughter's. It sounds like you have done your part to give guidance by stating your views to your daughter, and it also sounds like you've successfully raised your daughter to know her own mind. In the end, it's her choice whether the nicknames bother her or not. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the teacher young? If he is, he may not have thought about what you are saying. I think that you can bring it up to him, calmly and without sounding judgmental, and tell him that you don't like the way it sounds, and give him the reasoning that you posted here. He's probably never really thought about it, because nobody ever mentioned it to him.

Based on his bio, this guy is probably in his mid 30s.

[Anonymous]

The only men I've known to refer to a female as "girlfriend" are gay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only men I've known to refer to a female as "girlfriend" are gay.

My black male friends say that too. And they are all straight. I've never heard them say it to kids, though, but we've never all been around kids. So who knows? If this guy is saying it like my friends do, he doesn't mean anything by it other than slang.

[Anonymous]

I wondered whether there is a racial or ethnic difference between the OP and the teacher. To me, it just sounds like slang.

[Anonymous]

I use babe, baby, girlfriend, dude, honey, sweetie chica, ese, homie with adults, my kids and my kids' friends. I don't feel like I am degrading anyone, it's just an informal greeting that usually evokes a smile. I also say yo, wassup, sista!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I use babe, baby, girlfriend, dude, honey, sweetie chica, ese, homie with adults, my kids and my kids' friends. I don't feel like I am degrading anyone, it's just an informal greeting that usually evokes a smile. I also say yo, wassup, sista!

Are you a mom or a dad?

I'd be really uncomfortable if another dad was calling my daughter babe or girlfriend! Sweetie and chica would be debatable (not as sexualized IMO).

If you're a mom, I wouldn't be upset.... kind of like a woman calling another woman "bitch." Fine to turn those kinds of words on your own group, IMO, because doing so is a way of taking control of what are usually perceived as diminishing words, but not so fine when someone else uses them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wondered whether there is a racial or ethnic difference between the OP and the teacher. To me, it just sounds like slang.

OP here. No racial, ethnic or class difference. This is a well-educated white early middle age male.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently went to see my child participate in an after school activity at her elementary school. While the "teacher" for this activity seems great, I was disturbed to hear him call the girls in the class "babe" or "girlfriend". He does it to all the girls equally; it did not seem like he was singling my daughter out. He calls the boys "dude." Sometimes he uses their names, sometimes these other forms of address. I think he does this because he thinks it makes him seem cool. Also, he provides this after school activity at a number of different schools, and I'm sure it's hard for him to keep all the kids' names straight, but there's gotta be some other way. I'm fine with dude or even "hey, you."

I talked to my daughter about it in passing and mentioned that I thought it was really inappropriate and sort of disrespectful, and, of course, her attitude was "I don't think it's disrespectful" and "I'm fine with it." I tried to explain why I thought it was offensive -- objectification, calling kids something w/ sexual overtones, the history of women and the workplace and being called "hon" or "doll," etc., but of course she didn't get it and only seemed to think I was the one with the problem.

Clearly, this really rubs my feminist self the wrong way. Although I don't think there's anything sexual behind it, I do think it's way over the line. I really think it's awful that she's being given the idea at this young age that it's OK for men to call her this. I mean she's only 8 y.o.?! I think this normalizes for her that a teacher or boss can talk to her like this.

Am I crazy? If not, any ideas as to how to approach this with the teacher?

Maybe he is cool? I can't stand teachers who do things to 'seem cool' though. Stay true to yourself. That being said, seems a poor choice of words. Unless he is being ironic -- as in poking gentle fun at folks who say babe and girlfriend -- I would avoid those terms at all costs with students. My first reaction was ugh. Different people can say different things of course--this is part of communication that something might sound different if I say it than you (and we might intend it differently). We don't want to stamp all the fun out of the world. And if your daughter does not feel demeaned or sexualized that--at least--is good. His judgment in word choice may be in question, but his intent may be pure and her instincts may be tuning in to this. Still, seems a bit off. If you did approach him I would be careful to let him know that you trust his intent because you know him and see how much he cares for the children; however, you worry that someone might think it a bit off who overheard and did not have a longstanding relationship of trust in how he works with the children...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I use babe, baby, girlfriend, dude, honey, sweetie chica, ese, homie with adults, my kids and my kids' friends. I don't feel like I am degrading anyone, it's just an informal greeting that usually evokes a smile. I also say yo, wassup, sista!

Babe to me is different, as in "What a babe!" Seems to connote sexy, which I would not think is appropriate between an adult male and a girl child. What do you think? Sweetie, chica, dude, honey I'm Ok with. It is the sexy part that seems a bit off.

[Anonymous]

"I use babe, baby, girlfriend, dude, honey, sweetie chica, ese, homie with adults, my kids and my kids' friends. I don't feel like I am degrading anyone, it's just an informal greeting that usually evokes a smile. I also say yo, wassup, sista!"

I do this to, as do many of my friends. We are all 30 somethings. I don't see the big deal here. It's sort of a term of endearment and is playful. The kiddos love it.

I'm not understanding the problem here. If he is connecting with the kids, then this seems a non-issue. Just my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Since it's the end of the school year, and the only problem with the teacher are the words babe and girlfriends, just let it go. Your daughter might be embarrassed or might not start trusting you if you go and talk to the teacher.

[Anonymous]

I think you may choose not to like it, but talking to the teacher about it is a step over the line into helicoptering. You just don't get to choose other people's vocabulary for them - even if they (gasp!) use it in front of your children.