Advice Needed regarding Grandparents and Alcohol

[Anonymous]

My parents are a piece of work. My dad is a control freak and my step mom is an alcoholic. The only way she says she could stay with my dad. I have had limited contact with them and my brother has no contact other than by phone. He does not allow his daughters to see their grandparents at all. His youngest daughter has never met them. My husband respects my father as do I. I just don't like him. I have allowed my daughter to spend a week with them every summer. Two summers ago my daughter found a wind bottle wrapped in my step Moms towel and she refused to get in the car with her to drive back to the house. My daughter is 10 now. She called me and I drove down and picked her up. After much drama and swearing by my parents that she had gone to rehab and doing AA/Alanon etc. I agreed to let me daughter go one week last summer to visit. My step-mom came to visit and she spent the 2 days in my guest room. After she left I found 2 large wine bottles hidden in the closet. I called my dad and told him and he told me he was having trouble having her admit she was an alcoholic. I have decided to not let my daughter go again to visit. My father does not like me and does not want me in his home, as I talk back. I am 50 and they are 75 and 80. I don't want my dad to die without spending time with my daughter as I respect him. However, I am done letting her be around this behavior, letting this be a role model and potential safety issues. Can anyone think of a solution to this problem or some help. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Let her respect him from afar, or when you are with him, too. His living situation is not acceptable for her to be in as a solo visitor.

[Anonymous]

Please don't let your daughter visit them alone again, no matter what they say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father does not like me and does not want me in his home, as I talk back.

If they want to see your kid, spending time with you is the price of admission. They've shown they can't be trusted so either you're all welcome so you can be the adult supervision or none of you go.

I would be more concerned with teaching my daughter to respect herself than teaching her to respect a man that doesn't respect her enough to care about her safety and wellbeing.

It sucks but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don't let your daughter visit them alone again, no matter what they say.

This, this, this, +1,000

And an added: Do not let her visit them in their home again, ever.

Is it possible to meet them at someplace between where you live and where they live for a half-day of lunch plus an activity (local park, museum in that area, whatever) and then you and daughter come home after that? Having an activity means everyone focuses on the activity and not on each other or on discussing whether stepmom has been to AA this week. It lets daughter build a few nice memories of fun days out with granddad and stepmom but does not put her into their care. Your dad may be fine with your daughter and love to see her, and may seem responsible with her in his home, but his real focus is always going to be on his wife's drinking and not on your daughter, frankly.

Neither you nor she should spend the night with them or have them spend the night with you any more, period. If they live so far away that meeting them for meal plus activity on one day is not doable, then keep in touch but don't worry about visits. This is not about her growing up respecting her grandfather, or about your father dying without knowing his granddaughter. This is about not only her physical safety when in their care but even more it's about her emotional well-being and allowing her to be child while she still can.

Your daughter deserves a LOT of praise from you for having the incredible good sense and strength to refuse to get in a car with someone who had a bottle there. But at the same time, your daughter at her age shouldn't have to deal with such adult issues in the name of keeping in touch with grandpa. Please never put her in that position again, no matter how much your dad asks to see her. Letting her be in their care for a week at a time, even for one night, would be forcing her somewhat into the role of responsible adult, in a way -- she must be on tenterhooks when she's stayed with them. I think you see that now. That's what I mean about her emotional well-being-- she needs to not grow up with memories of being sent every summer to a week of stress and worry that she will find another bottle, or that she'll be badgered to get into a car with someone she fears will kill them both driving drunk. You are smart to remove that fear by ending all trips. Please stick to that decision.

She's old enough that you can tell your dad she has things going on all summer now -- camps, classes, whatever. And it'll be true, even if what's going on is that she's spending time with her friends. Don't cave in if he guilts you over this. I really hope the "meet in the middle" thing can work for you, even if that means staying one night in a hotel somewhere.

[Anonymous]

I can't figure out why you respect him...

[Anonymous]

Don't let your husband push you into doing things you don't want to do. You lived with your dad and stepmom for four years, he didn't. I don't care how important he thinks "family" is, you make the call about your own relatives.

[Anonymous]

Try Skype.

[Anonymous]

Visit in neutral places, invite them to your house, let the relationship happen. But DO NOT let your daughter spend time with them alone. They have a proven track record of being untrustworthy. And there's a good chance your Step-mother is driving around drunk.

Your daughter's life is worth more than your Dad's ego.

[Anonymous]

First, your daughter cannot visit them alone ever again. She is a child; it's not her responsibility to act like an adult by refusing to drive with someone who has been drinking.

Next, although I cannot imagine why you respect your dad, there are plenty of other ways for your daughter to get to know him. Like PPs have said, visit in neutral places. Go to a restaurant or park or museum. Always have an exit strategy. Try to plan activities where alcohol would not otherwise be served or welcomed.

Finally, consider attending Al-Anon meetings yourself. I think you may need to figure out why you "respect" your father and are insistent that your daughter be permitted to have a relationship with him.

I'm an adult child of an alcoholic, so I know this is tough, but you have got to be firm -- not just for your daughter's physical safety, but for her emotional health as well.

[Anonymous]

Just let them come over and stay whenever. If stepmother is off the wagon but can drink without being a complete disaster, let her drink then. Thats what I do with DHsome dad. He's a happy alcoholic and DD loves it when he visits and plays - even if he's had a few. He usually drinks almost 2 bottles of wine. But, he doesn't get messy so it's ok. Of course, if your stepmother is an angry or belligerent drunk that's another story.

I wish you didn't drag your DD into this. Don't let her worry. Tell her sometimes people drink alcohol but it's OK if they don't drive a car and leave it at that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just let them come over and stay whenever. If stepmother is off the wagon but can drink without being a complete disaster, let her drink then. Thats what I do with DHsome dad. He's a happy alcoholic and DD loves it when he visits and plays - even if he's had a few. He usually drinks almost 2 bottles of wine. But, he doesn't get messy so it's ok. Of course, if your stepmother is an angry or belligerent drunk that's another story.

I wish you didn't drag your DD into this. Don't let her worry. Tell her sometimes people drink alcohol but it's OK if they don't drive a car and leave it at that.

I spent years in AL Anon btw. Great program. But in the program you will learn that their drama isn't your business. You can't control them, just your life. And also, life isn't always black and white. The answers aren't always black and white, this or that. You can be happy whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, your daughter cannot visit them alone ever again. She is a child; it's not her responsibility to act like an adult by refusing to drive with someone who has been drinking.

Next, although I cannot imagine why you respect your dad, there are plenty of other ways for your daughter to get to know him. Like PPs have said, visit in neutral places. Go to a restaurant or park or museum. Always have an exit strategy. Try to plan activities where alcohol would not otherwise be served or welcomed.

Finally, consider attending Al-Anon meetings yourself. I think you may need to figure out why you "respect" your father and are insistent that your daughter be permitted to have a relationship with him.

I'm an adult child of an alcoholic, so I know this is tough, but you have got to be firm -- not just for your daughter's physical safety, but for her emotional health as well.

+1 You will find support at these meetings and it will help you figure out a way forward that works for you.

[Anonymous]

Hi, there! I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles with your stepmom and dad, and I can certainly understand how you feel about sending your daughter to visit them. It’s clear you and your husband respect your dad and want him to spend time with your daughter. Do you think it might be helpful if you arrange for someone to go along with her during her time in their house? Can your dad come over to your place to see her? I hope you figure out something soon. I’ll be praying for your family. Blessings!

[Anonymous]

Skype visits. My step mom (father has passed so this is really just a courtesy to an old woman) gets 30 min every Monday to skype with my daughter. Daughter shows her artwork from school, new toys, etc. It has been almost 3 years since they have been in a room together and we live 500 miles away.