How do you discipline your delayed, hyperactive and inattentive 4 year old?

[Anonymous]

If you have one. I'm losing my mind. My child is hyperactive all day from start to finish, never stops moving his limbs, throwing, sometimes hitting and kicking. Is defiant and also receptive speech delayed. He goes to preschool and they have a hard time getting him to follow the class. He has a very limited attention span. His vocab is good and he knows all his letters - he has a minor receptive and expressive delay. Does ot twice a week. I've tried kazdin but he's such a moving target I'm not sure it will work right now. He does not nap but is a good sleeper.

I need some practical advice I guess - did you ignore? I try but often just can't. Did you do time outs?

[Anonymous]

I really recommend Dr. Shapiro's parenting classes. He has all the information on his website, but it's good to be able to participate in person.

The highlights are:
1) Time-ins. A dedicated time each day (can be just 15 minutes) where you follow the child's lead, playing with him without placing any demands on him. He gets your total attention.
2) For negative behavior, ignore what you can (i.e. if it's not going to cause property or personal damage), time-outs for what you can't ignore.
3) For recurring problem areas (i.e. if he always has problems at bedtime), problem-solve with your child, use rewards as necessary.

[Anonymous]

Try Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey. You will need to pick your battles, be patient, stay calm in all circumstances (haha I know), and have faith that it will get better with time.

[Anonymous]

I would try a therapeutic preschool option. There are public options offered through elementary schools.

You may also want to try a preschool that specializes in speech delays, like LEAP at UMD or Dolley Madison.

Maddux also has a wonderful preschool that provides good support.

Kids need plenty of sleep and physical activity. You may want to try medication at some point.

[Anonymous]

You mention the receptive speech issues almost as an afterthought but really they are driving the behavioral train here. Stop expecting him to thrive in situations that he can't understand and master. It's not fair to him.

[Anonymous]

Another vote here for dr shapiros class. Completely changed our life with our 4 year old son who sounds similar to yours

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You mention the receptive speech issues almost as an afterthought but really they are driving the behavioral train here. Stop expecting him to thrive in situations that he can't understand and master. It's not fair to him.

This was exactly my thought. Kids need consistency and routine so they can understand what is expected. Often they aren't defiant, but do not understand. They get frustrated as you get frustrated if they do no understand. For us, the behavioral stuff was very linked to speech and we had severe receptive and expressive delays and when the language came, so did everything else, but it was a very very slow progression. Time outs don't work with these kids. Redirection and stopping before escalating works much better.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the posts at 19:33 and will add that exercise, exercise, exercise helped. We got an Xbox just so DS could do Just Dance and the other exercise videos during the winter. We also have a rebounder that's still used daily even after almost 8 yeras.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mention the receptive speech issues almost as an afterthought but really they are driving the behavioral train here. Stop expecting him to thrive in situations that he can't understand and master. It's not fair to him.

This was exactly my thought. Kids need consistency and routine so they can understand what is expected. Often they aren't defiant, but do not understand. They get frustrated as you get frustrated if they do no understand. For us, the behavioral stuff was very linked to speech and we had severe receptive and expressive delays and when the language came, so did everything else, but it was a very very slow progression. Time outs don't work with these kids. Redirection and stopping before escalating works much better.

No, that's not fair. It's all day about everything from getting up to dressed to put the door and we have strict routines. And he is defiant - he sneaks away to do things for the umpteenth time and tries to hide. I do appreciate the receptive delay but these are things he understands, gentle hands, throw outside, water in the tub not pout on floor Etc. I do excuse any actual confusion of course:

[Anonymous]

I think your expectations are too high. You label this defiance and misbehavior but kids need constant reminders and encouragement even if they know the rules. Even the greatest most normal kids. It's not defiance. It's the way kids are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your expectations are too high. You label this defiance and misbehavior but kids need constant reminders and encouragement even if they know the rules. Even the greatest most normal kids. It's not defiance. It's the way kids are.

+1, a lot of kids with language delays have trouble with fine motor skills which make dressing very hard. For many kids getting them dressed - special needs or not - its a struggle. Its not just about knowing that there is a rule. Typical kids you still have to sometimes show them a dozen times before they get it. With language kids, it could be hundred's of times before they get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the posts at 19:33 and will add that exercise, exercise, exercise helped. We got an Xbox just so DS could do Just Dance and the other exercise videos during the winter. We also have a rebounder that's still used daily even after almost 8 yeras.

I wouldn't get a kid an xbox (we have one for dad) but exercise helps, but more for the skills to me. We did a bunch of stuff, gymnastics, swim, soccer (a disaster but we still did it as he wanted to) and karate.

[Anonymous]

If he were six and doing this I would be completely in your corner. But he's four. Stop expecting that cooperation is the norm at this age and you somehow got a wild kid. Kids of four are not known for getting out the door quickly. For following directions independently. For obeying.

[Anonymous]

Argh I feel so misubderstod! I have another kid so I'm not coming from crazy uptight town. If anything, we ignore almost everything. I only need discipline ideas for: hitting; flailing when getting dressed/brushing teeth/shoes (he runs away, laughs manically and throws Hingis at us - it takes three people to dress him); and running away and into the street. That's it. Not trying to Ruin his kid time or dampen his spirit.

I find this board super helpful with practical suggestions. I get frustrated with this telling you off stream when you voice any kind of frustration. This is frustrating and hard and it blows. My kid doesn't mean to be hard but he's like twenty of my other kids. I'm going to go ahead and say that or lose my mind so stop policing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Argh I feel so misubderstod! I have another kid so I'm not coming from crazy uptight town. If anything, we ignore almost everything. I only need discipline ideas for: hitting; flailing when getting dressed/brushing teeth/shoes (he runs away, laughs manically and throws Hingis at us - it takes three people to dress him); and running away and into the street. That's it. Not trying to Ruin his kid time or dampen his spirit.

I find this board super helpful with practical suggestions. I get frustrated with this telling you off stream when you voice any kind of frustration. This is frustrating and hard and it blows. My kid doesn't mean to be hard but he's like twenty of my other kids. I'm going to go ahead and say that or lose my mind so stop policing it.

I think the Kazdin Method will be of use to you, so if you say, "Tommy, get dressed now," and tommy does, then there's immediate praise. If Tommy ignores you or runs away, say "Tommy get dressed or I will help you get dressed." If he still doesn't comply, you just gently take him by the hand and start dressing him.

Kitting or hitting warrant a timeout.