Feel like not confiding in my family anymore
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve and talk about my problems a lot, which I'm realizing gives my power away and makes people think of me as weak. My husband wanted to leave me in the past year, but didn't, although I'm not sure how long our marriage will last. The kids and I have all been sick over the past couple months. My parents and sister gave me self help books for Christmas (among other things), which just made me feel worse (even though they are books I would read). Who wants to be reminded of your problems on Christmas? Then they keep bringing up "Did you read the books?". My parents mean well, but when I talk to them on the telephone, they start right in about how I should divorce my husband because he will never change. The whole phone conversation revolves around topics that are emotionally painful when I'm just trying to get my kids and I to be healthy again. I feel like not even confiding anymore so people won't keep harping on my problems and trying to tell me what to do. If I stop confiding in my parents, I won't really have many other people to confide in, but it's the only way I know to get them to stop when I'm just too overwhelmed right now. I even said I wanted to get off the phone and my mom can't stop talking. How do I get people to stop trying to give me advice and harp on my problems all the time? My whole family is so negative. |
Anonymous
| Get a therapist. Keep the family talk light. |
Anonymous
| Not OP, but anyone know a good CBT therapist in Maryland? |
Anonymous
|
I found that I did myself a disservice in ONLY sharing the bad with close friends. They had a picture of me that wasn't accurate and I was entirely to blame. I made a point of sharing the plain everyday experience for a few months. Good stuff at work (however mundane), charming little stories of the children, a particularly good hair day---these are some of the things I put into phone conversations to balance out the rough stuff. We often think that we need to talk through issues. Sometimes, we just need to deal with them. Sounds like this is what your family (and their self-help books) are trying to encourage. Handle your business, OP. Get thee to a therapist. |
Anonymous
| OP again. I went to a therapist and she kept nodding off during our sessions. Then she got frustrated I wasn't improving but she never seemed to really grasp my problems even though I told her exactly what they are, so I stopped going to her. I also felt like it was a waste of time to keep her up to speed and explain everything to her. Now I don't know if I want to try therapy again. |
Anonymous
| You say your family is so negative, but I wonder if you're the same way. What kind of illness do you and your kids have? It is unusually negative and dramatic to talk about typical illnesses like you are (needing to focus on getting yourselves healthy again shouldn't take up so much mental energy that you can't deal with anything else unless you all have chronic disorders). |
Anonymous
You just went to a bad therapist. If I went to one who nodded off, I'd get up, walk out, slam the door on my way so she woke up, and tell my insurance company not to pay if she puts in a claim since she SLEPT. Then I'd report her. Because that's bullshit. Try again with therapy. And tell your family to back off. "You know what Julie? Talking about Mark all the time is making me feel even worse. Let's drop it; I'll let you know if something big happens. Are you psyched for the Golden Globes?" |
Anonymous
Listen to this person! Totally agree. |
Anonymous
|
Very good step forward, OP. I would limit contact unobtrusively. Only pick up the phone every once in a while, don't respond to every single email/text, call once a week right before you need to pick your kids, or whatever you're comfortable with. I was in your shoes 8 years ago. Very naive and confiding, and very young for my age. DH and I nearly divorced and I made the mistake of telling my parents about all the details, and to this day I feel they're just waiting for us to divorce. DC1 and I were extremely ill in the middle of it, I lost my job, and I'm sure everyone around me just saw me as a complete failure! However, you don't learn unless you make mistakes, right? So now I have grown up, keep my opinions to myself, communicate constructively, am more authoritative, and don't let anyone push me around. It's hard to transition to that comforting feeling of being able to confide unreservedly in loved ones to keeping things back. But it's a necessary step towards adulthood. Soon you will be managing your elderly parents' affairs as they reach the end of their life. It's all an evolving relationship, and you have to model it for your kids. |
Anonymous
|
I'm sorry your therapist wasn't able to help, OP. Also, it seems your family might be a bit insensitive if they don't understand that even if you've confided problems you don't want that to define your relationship with them. I mean, I need to lose weight and my family knows it, but they don't give me diet and exercise books for Xmas and then ask me if I've read them. Sheesh!
My advice is the same as most of the PPs. Keep things more light and positive with family for a while. Find a good, caring therapist who can help you work on the issues in your life. Surround yourself with things and people that make you feel good about yourself and optimistic about your future. Happy 2016! |
Anonymous
+1. Completely incompetent and unprofessional. Keep looking and don't stop until you find her/him. |
Anonymous
|
You are wearing your family out OP. That's why you're getting self-help books and questions about whether you've read them.
It's a sign that they don't how to help you, and maybe that they are getting tired of endlessly hearing about how tough life is for you. Get a decent therapist. This is why that profession exists. |
Anonymous
No but if you kept complaining about your weight and needing to change eating habits/exercise routine but didn't know what to do, would you be surprised if they gave you diet and exercise tools as gifts and followed up by asking if you used them? I think that's a more parallel example. OP, when you keep sharing problems with people, they're going to offer solutions and eventually get irritated if you don't try to make changes for the better. Often they'll be irritated if you don't take their advice. I mean, why were you sharing your problems with them if you didn't want their insight? If you want to avoid that dynamic, stop sharing all your problems with them. Definitely get a new therapist. Your first was unprofessional. You don't have to continue going to the first doctor you meet. You're allowed to shop around to find someone you can connect with. Be more assertive. You sound incredibly passive, like you're waiting for the solution to fall in your lap. |