Did Pre-Marital Counseling Change Your Mind About Marriage?

[Anonymous]

Have no wedding date set, because I want to get all our past "bullshit" resolved and pre-marital counseling done before sending out invites. (Don't want the embarrassment of calling of a wedding and DEFINITELY don't want to be pressured into marriage because everything is already done.) I plan on starting marriage on solid ground with a firm understanding of each other's expectations and attempting, as best be can, not to bring the past in our new marriage.

But did anyone do pre-marital counseling and it lead to them not getting married, or delaying the marriage, or making you wonder if you were doing the right thing?

DO you think it's necessary to go to a counselor to do this, or just get one of the many pre-marital counseling checklists and do it yourself?

[Anonymous]

I think if you are this concerned about the marriage and its footing you already have your answer and should not likely move forward with a wedding.

[Anonymous]

I just saw an (old) interview with the founder of eHarmony, and he said the "problem" with premarital counseling is that no one ever calls off the wedding, even if the couple is a bad match. I have no opinion but thought it was an interesting comment (while recognizing that he is trying to market his system for matching couples, of course).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if you are this concerned about the marriage and its footing you already have your answer and should not likely move forward with a wedding.

No, I'm just a Type A personality. I'm the type that would continue couple's therapy throughout marriage just because I find that kind of thing helpful, regardless of if we have issues or not. I want to use every tool at my disposal to make my marriage happy and successful. Love doesn't keep a marriage together. Work does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just saw an (old) interview with the founder of eHarmony, and he said the "problem" with premarital counseling is that no one ever calls off the wedding, even if the couple is a bad match. I have no opinion but thought it was an interesting comment (while recognizing that he is trying to market his system for matching couples, of course).

We did our counseling with a priest (Catholic wedding), and he said he'd had at least two couples who called off the wedding as a result of the counseling. They realized that they had really deep, fundamental incompatibilities in their relationship. He said he counted those as successes, because it's better to discover those things before you get married, and definitely before you have kids, than after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just saw an (old) interview with the founder of eHarmony, and he said the "problem" with premarital counseling is that no one ever calls off the wedding, even if the couple is a bad match. I have no opinion but thought it was an interesting comment (while recognizing that he is trying to market his system for matching couples, of course).

Completely agree, which is why we aren't setting a date until after we have these discussions. I see too many people go through with weddings because its too embarrassing for them to call it off.

[Anonymous]

Do most people do this kind of counseling? I don't know anyone who has except the kind required by the catholic church.

[Anonymous]

Yes, though it wasn't officially premarital counseling since I hadn't accepted the proposal. But yes, relationship counseling led me to break up with my almost-fiance.

What I got the most out of, actually, was John Gottman's book "7 Principles for Making Marriage Work," which was assigned to us by our counselor. Once I started doing the exercises in it, it was pretty clear that this guy would not be the right guy for me long term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if you are this concerned about the marriage and its footing you already have your answer and should not likely move forward with a wedding.

No, I'm just a Type A personality. I'm the type that would continue couple's therapy throughout marriage just because I find that kind of thing helpful, regardless of if we have issues or not. I want to use every tool at my disposal to make my marriage happy and successful. Love doesn't keep a marriage together. Work does.

Ok.

Well I'd make sure your potential future spouse is up for that kind of long-term counseling! I'd personally find it exhausting, but that's my personality.

We did the required Pre-Cana through the Catholic Church, which in the Diocese of Arlington is actually quite extensive and our particular priest had monthly sessions with us for 10 months leading up to the wedding. Do I think we got anything out of it? Not particularly if I'm being honest. (Frankly I question the utility of relationship counseling from someone with no experience in a relationship.) On the other hand we've been married 10 years, are 2 kids in and have had a very smooth marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if you are this concerned about the marriage and its footing you already have your answer and should not likely move forward with a wedding.

No, I'm just a Type A personality. I'm the type that would continue couple's therapy throughout marriage just because I find that kind of thing helpful, regardless of if we have issues or not. I want to use every tool at my disposal to make my marriage happy and successful. Love doesn't keep a marriage together. Work does.

Ok.

Well I'd make sure your potential future spouse is up for that kind of long-term counseling! I'd personally find it exhausting, but that's my personality.

We did the required Pre-Cana through the Catholic Church, which in the Diocese of Arlington is actually quite extensive and our particular priest had monthly sessions with us for 10 months leading up to the wedding. Do I think we got anything out of it? Not particularly if I'm being honest. (Frankly I question the utility of relationship counseling from someone with no experience in a relationship.) On the other hand we've been married 10 years, are 2 kids in and have had a very smooth marriage.

Just to be clear, I'm not talking about 2 hours a weeks of counseling forever. I just think a "check-in" once a month to have a space to discuss anything with a neutral 3rd party to mediate our discussions. I know many people that use couples therapy as maintenance...not because their relationship is in jeopardy. As you read here daily, there are many people in crappy/unhappy marriages. Don't want to be one of the people posting here in 5 years about last of sex, or falling out of love, or children tearing us apart, or an affair, etc.]

I'm mostly just curious if people who did it think they could've just gotten the list and gone over it themselves, or if attending weekly for however many weeks with another person was better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Just to be clear, I'm not talking about 2 hours a weeks of counseling forever. I just think a "check-in" once a month to have a space to discuss anything with a neutral 3rd party to mediate our discussions. I know many people that use couples therapy as maintenance...not because their relationship is in jeopardy. As you read here daily, there are many people in crappy/unhappy marriages. Don't want to be one of the people posting here in 5 years about last of sex, or falling out of love, or children tearing us apart, or an affair, etc.]

I'm mostly just curious if people who did it think they could've just gotten the list and gone over it themselves, or if attending weekly for however many weeks with another person was better.

Even this monthly "check-in" would be a nightmare for me. I can see the value in counseling as-needed from time-to-time, but monthly visits with "a neutral 3rd party"? It's supposed to be a marriage; it shouldn't require a monthly referee to keep it together. Talk to each other, that's the most important thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just saw an (old) interview with the founder of eHarmony, and he said the "problem" with premarital counseling is that no one ever calls off the wedding, even if the couple is a bad match. I have no opinion but thought it was an interesting comment (while recognizing that he is trying to market his system for matching couples, of course).

We did our counseling with a priest (Catholic wedding), and he said he'd had at least two couples who called off the wedding as a result of the counseling. They realized that they had really deep, fundamental incompatibilities in their relationship. He said he counted those as successes, because it's better to discover those things before you get married, and definitely before you have kids, than after.

I'm sure he's telling the truth, but keep in mind that most catholic priests are old and have seen somewhere between hundreds and a couple thousand couples come through their church and get married. In the Catholic Church, "Pre-Cana" (a Catholic version of premarital counseling) is required. It is truly rare to have a wedding called off after pre-Cana. My parents have been teaching pre-Cana for years and, sadly, pretty much everyone gets married, no matter how fundamentally screwed up the relationship seems beforehand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if you are this concerned about the marriage and its footing you already have your answer and should not likely move forward with a wedding.

No, I'm just a Type A personality. I'm the type that would continue couple's therapy throughout marriage just because I find that kind of thing helpful, regardless of if we have issues or not. I want to use every tool at my disposal to make my marriage happy and successful. Love doesn't keep a marriage together. Work does.

I'm guessing you either come from a lousy background (in terms of a relationship with your parents and/or their relationship with each other), or there's tremendous red flags with your would-be fiancé that is causing you heartburn.

[Anonymous]

I did it, and later got divorced. The counselors will never tell you it's a terrible match. Even id they see divorce and ruin in your future. They just give you tools to work on things. If both couples are willing, the tools might be enough to change and communicate better and accept each other. But probably not. My first marriage was just so hard, even with pre-counseling and regular check ins. My second marriage is so much better with minimal 3rd party involvement; it's a better fit. Just my experience.

[Anonymous]

We did precana and I found it really helpful. It forced us to have conversations about future expectations, finances, parenting, etc. we went into our marriage knowing we had pretty similar philosophies on the important issues.