Planning baby shower and mom-to-be is becoming controlling

[Anonymous]

I'm planning/coordinating the baby shower for my SIL and she's starting to get controlling. How do I politely tell her to relax? She was like this with her wedding, everything needing to be perfect and not letting anyone else handle any tasks, that it got so bad that she gave herself heart problems. While I appreciate having feedback on what she wants or doesn't want because it is really helpful, it's starting to feel like I'm getting dictated to. I'm happy to host the shower for her but if she's going to say it must be this theme, these colors, decorations, here's the menu then it feels like I'm just a checkbook. I'm trying to find the right words to say, I love you, I will make this special for you and not make this some gaudy affair, so please provide ideas on what you would like and definitely not like, but please don't control this and let someone take care of you!

[Anonymous]

Ask her to create a Pinterest inspiration board and see if she gets the hint.

[Anonymous]

Just tell her to email you stuff and then ignore it all and do what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask her to create a Pinterest inspiration board and see if she gets the hint.

She already has and asked if I had one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask her to create a Pinterest inspiration board and see if she gets the hint.

She already has and asked if I had one.

Then see suggestion from poster above.

Might also help to strategically mention a couple of times this is your GIFT to her. Every time she pushes back tell her you are consulting her Pinterest and change subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just tell her to email you stuff and then ignore it all and do what you want.

+1000

[Anonymous]

"I'm happy to host the shower for her but if she's going to say it must be this theme, these colors, decorations, here's the menu then it feels like I'm just a checkbook."

OP, you can say this too. If she is your SIL, maybe you can express it to your brother? If not, to her as well.

[Anonymous]

I'm a perfectionist and and usually visualize exactly what I want for a party or special occasion.

So if I were hosting something special for a friend, I would understand their need to have complete control over the decor, theme, colors, food, presentation, etc. I would actually expect that they dictate! It's their moment, and unless there's a risk of damage to your home or going overbudget, there shouldn't be a fight over who's choosing what.

Is she not communicating well? You're not her slave, and she's not your boss. She needs to send you pictures and specifics with gratitude that you are putting this together for her. "Here's my dream shower (pics) and a list of where to get all the stuff. What I can do to help you? Thank you so much."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm a perfectionist and and usually visualize exactly what I want for a party or special occasion.

So if I were hosting something special for a friend, I would understand their need to have complete control over the decor, theme, colors, food, presentation, etc. I would actually expect that they dictate! It's their moment, and unless there's a risk of damage to your home or going overbudget, there shouldn't be a fight over who's choosing what.

Is she not communicating well? You're not her slave, and she's not your boss. She needs to send you pictures and specifics with gratitude that you are putting this together for her. "Here's my dream shower (pics) and a list of where to get all the stuff. What I can do to help you? Thank you so much."

I disagree. If someone is hosting a party in my honor, I would expect to be consulted on major decisions, but not every detail. That's ungrateful, and basically just using someone as a checkbook/party planner. You should trust your friends to host a nice event, and you should allow them to give it to you as a gift. If she's not the boss, then she shouldn't be sending OP a set of directions and expecting the OP to just follow them. One or two big things? Sure. "I've always preferred co-ed showers," or "I hate this particular shower game," or "It's really important to me that my grandmother can come." But dictating the food, decorations, etc.? Back off, or throw your own damn party.

Also, who the fuck has a "dream shower"? And isn't the "theme" "Larla is having a baby?" This isn't a kid's birthday party, after all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm a perfectionist and and usually visualize exactly what I want for a party or special occasion.

So if I were hosting something special for a friend, I would understand their need to have complete control over the decor, theme, colors, food, presentation, etc. I would actually expect that they dictate! It's their moment, and unless there's a risk of damage to your home or going overbudget, there shouldn't be a fight over who's choosing what.

Is she not communicating well? You're not her slave, and she's not your boss. She needs to send you pictures and specifics with gratitude that you are putting this together for her. "Here's my dream shower (pics) and a list of where to get all the stuff. What I can do to help you? Thank you so much."

I disagree. If someone is hosting a party in my honor, I would expect to be consulted on major decisions, but not every detail. That's ungrateful, and basically just using someone as a checkbook/party planner. You should trust your friends to host a nice event, and you should allow them to give it to you as a gift. If she's not the boss, then she shouldn't be sending OP a set of directions and expecting the OP to just follow them. One or two big things? Sure. "I've always preferred co-ed showers," or "I hate this particular shower game," or "It's really important to me that my grandmother can come." But dictating the food, decorations, etc.? Back off, or throw your own damn party.

Also, who the fuck has a "dream shower"? And isn't the "theme" "Larla is having a baby?" This isn't a kid's birthday party, after all.

+1 to all these things. She needs to relaaaax. Maybe talk to her husband? And I would say something although the lines of "this is my gift to you to show you how much I care about you so that you can relax and enjoy the love. I have heard all your thoughts, and I'll take it from here so all you need to do is just show up."

[Anonymous]

Unbelievable. I would just show up and be grateful. Can't believe theses posts.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you! I just backed out of hosting a shower when the honoree ordered invitations, booked a venue and picked the menu and flowers. All without consulting me. Yet expected me to pay for it! Um, no. That is not how this works!

[Anonymous]

OP, I completely understand where you're coming from, and I would be feeling similarly frustrated. That said, you know this is how she is, and it's unlikely she's going to change for this event. Perhaps part of your gift to her can be to just forgive her need to control, and roll with it as much as possible.

And then know you shouldn't plan any celebrations for her in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm a perfectionist and and usually visualize exactly what I want for a party or special occasion.

You can throw a welcome home baby reception, baptism party, birthday party and make it as perfect as your vision. A baby shower is a gift. To me it's the equivalent of a friend inviting me over for a special dinner and me dictating the menu, the flowers and the china.

[Anonymous]

You're a better person than me OP!
I would probably write back something like
"Jenna, I got your website link to the decorations and ice sculpture, and agree they are beautiful. I assume you are ordering these yourself and having them sent here? As I told you previously, my menu is x, y and z and I have a plan to decorate my house. Those should be a great addition from you."

And then if there is anything further I would just lay it out that I have budgeted x for the shower and if she wants anything else she will have to take care of it herself.

And then if there is any more push back I would provide a list of local restaurants she could have it at with a nice note about how it seems I misunderstood the scope of the shower and sadly it seems I will be unable to provide what you are hoping for.