has anyone ever seen a narcissist change or is that a fool's wish?

[Anonymous]

My sister is a pretty classic narcissist. It's taken me 40 years to realize it, but if I look back, she has displayed decades worth of narcissistic behaviors. We were once close, but over the years, I have pulled away from her out of a sense of self-preservation. Everything I have read about NPD tells me that narcissists don't reform, but I am having a hard time letting go of our relationship entirely. Despite myself, I still hold out hope that she might some day not be totally self absorbed. Any advice from folks who have BTDT?

[Anonymous]

My MIL is a narcissist. I would say, in 80 years, she has no wish to change, so my answer is an emphatic "no".

[Anonymous]

Fools wish.

[Anonymous]

Fool's wish.

People have to want to change that kind of personality disorder, and narcissists hardly ever want to change.

[Anonymous]

No OP. It's great going through life thinking you're the best/only. Why would she change now?

[Anonymous]

They cannot change. They do not think they are a narcissist. My father was a clinically diagnosed narcissist. It's a disorder in their brain and there is no way to change it. I was even told by the psychiatrist who diagnosed my father, that I should walk away from him. I couldn't do that and it was a very draining and sometimes traumatic relationship. He died very recently and although I truly miss him, there was a sense of relief. I felt relieved to be out of the fury of his life and relieved that he was free of his tormented brain. Sorry OP, but this will never change.

[Anonymous]

And not just best/only, but also that all problems are clearly someone else's fault. That's a toughie to crack because it prevents genuine insight from happening.

[Anonymous]

No, narcissists don't change. I've seen everything thrown at them, in terms of life issues, tragedies, attempts by others to make them see. No change. Ever.

[Anonymous]

No change. No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They cannot change. They do not think they are a narcissist. My father was a clinically diagnosed narcissist. It's a disorder in their brain and there is no way to change it. I was even told by the psychiatrist who diagnosed my father, that I should walk away from him. I couldn't do that and it was a very draining and sometimes traumatic relationship. He died very recently and although I truly miss him, there was a sense of relief. I felt relieved to be out of the fury of his life and relieved that he was free of his tormented brain. Sorry OP, but this will never change.

OP here. Thanks everyone for your insight. I think deep inside I know that the situation is helpless, but it's actually kind of helpful to get confirmation. PP whose father was clinically diagnosed with narcissism -- I'm surprised that he was able to get a clinical diagnosis. That shows a certain level of honesty on his part with the therapist, doesn't it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They cannot change. They do not think they are a narcissist. My father was a clinically diagnosed narcissist. It's a disorder in their brain and there is no way to change it. I was even told by the psychiatrist who diagnosed my father, that I should walk away from him. I couldn't do that and it was a very draining and sometimes traumatic relationship. He died very recently and although I truly miss him, there was a sense of relief. I felt relieved to be out of the fury of his life and relieved that he was free of his tormented brain. Sorry OP, but this will never change.

OP here. Thanks everyone for your insight. I think deep inside I know that the situation is helpless, but it's actually kind of helpful to get confirmation. PP whose father was clinically diagnosed with narcissism -- I'm surprised that he was able to get a clinical diagnosis. That shows a certain level of honesty on his part with the therapist, doesn't it?

He was only clinically diagnosed during a long hospital stay. A psychiatrist was asked to intervene by the nursing staff. So this was observed by the psych and nurses. He was diagnosed with some other personality disorders as well that warranted the observation.

[Anonymous]

For them to change, they'd have to think something was wrong with them that needed changing.

By definition, this cannot happen.

[Anonymous]

My brother is a narcissist. I have finally given up on him. I stopped calling, but made it clear to him that he can always call me, that he's always invited to visit, that I love him, but that I will no longer reach out to him (because my hand always gets bitten!) he must reach out to me.

It's been six years, and I have not heard a single word from my brother. Not an email, nor phone call, nor even so much as a Christmas card. He's my only sibling, and I miss him, but the pain he caused me only stopped when I stopped trying to have a relationship with him that was doomed to failure.

It's hard to let go, OP, but do it for yourself. The pain of not seeing my brother is less than the pain of interacting with him. When I was able to accept this, I was able to let go, finally. And I feel better.

[Anonymous]

As others have said, people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder rarely ever change because they don't think there's anything wrong with them -- it's everyone else who needs fixing in their minds.

Once in a while a narcissist will suffer a truly crushing blow that serves as a "wake up call." They lose a job, an important relationship or their health and this serves to get them to go to therapy and get help. This is really an exception, and even then it takes years of therapy for someone with this personality disorder to change at all, and they'll probably never fully change.

I'm sorry your sister is like this, OP. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

It's extremely unlikely. That doesn't mean you have to cut your sister out of your life, it just means that you work towards a relationship based on an accurate assessment of her personality. If you have realistic expectations of her behavior, then you can create a relationship where you communicate or spend time together in ways that minimize her awfulness and that don't cause you unnecessary hurt. You can figure out how not to take her bad behavior personally, and how to maintain ties on terms you can live with.