Should I tell the truth or keep ignoring him?

[Anonymous]

I seem to have developed a fear or men of a certain ethnicity. I didn't realize this until I started to date a man who is of the same ethnicity as my ex-husband. My ex was both physically and mentally abusive. I only went out on three dates with this man and for some reason I had a strong gut feeling of fear at least at one point during our dates. This fear was not founded on anything that happened or that he did. For example, I he might say want do you want to do after dinner and I would get scared that he would get mad if I said I want to go home. Anyway, I then started to notice that anytime I am approached by men of this ethnicity in public, I get really nervous--like I'm scare of what they will say or that they will be aggressive or mean. This man that I went on three dates with continues to text me and I have been ignoring his texts. I thought he would give up, but he hasn't. I'm starting to feel bad about ignoring him as he did nothing wrong is being friendly in all his texts. Would it be okay for me to tell him that I'll never date him because I have a fear of men from his ethnicity based on my experience with my ex or should I just keep ignoring him?

[Anonymous]

Just text him that you aren't interested in dating him anymore, say it's you and not him and wish him luck. Leave all of the ethnicity stuff out of it.
But don't turn this into a self fulfilling prophecy where you continue to ignore him, he says something about it and then you tell yourself that you were right about people of his ethnicity, they are all aggressive. Just don't do that.

[Anonymous]

You may be naturally attracted to men of a certain ethnicity, and so get initially attracted, but then get scared.

Or you might be actually scared of all men but are only dating men of that ethnicity…

In any event, I agree with PP; leave the ethnicity out of it. However; I would level with him and say you were abused in the past and are realizing that you need to get counseling or some help because you find yourself having panic attacks when something innocuous triggers them (like him saying "what do you want to do after dinner?"). Has nothing to do with him.

And if you like him then tell him you are going to get counseling and then stay in touch.

[Anonymous]

Tell him you aren't interested.

I see no reason to go into specifics about ethnicity if you don't intend to try to make it work. It is relevant to working through a problem in a relationship, it isn't relevant to breaking up.

[Anonymous]

Therapy.

[Anonymous]

Don't just disappear on him, it sounds like he's a perfectly nice guy so at least give him the respect of some closure. Don't mention his ethnicity or anything, just say you realize you're not sufficiently past your marriage to date again. Which is basically what's going on, if you still have that much residual fear.

[Anonymous]

Tell him you are no longer interested.
Tell him you've decided to put dating on the back burner and focus on yourself for a bit.
Which is what you should be doing. You need therapy to heal your scars from your last relationship and learn to choose healthy partners.

I kind of question your assumption that that you reactions have to do with his race.
It's likely you'd have the same reaction in a similar scenario no matter the race of the man you are dating.

You can't use your exes race to justify being afraid of all men of that race the rest of your life.

What you can do is seek therapy and focus on yourself for a time before you try romance again.

[Anonymous]

which ethnicity

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP - end it with him, ignoring is just plain rude. Leave ethnicity out of it. Then go to therapy to get over your issues with this ethnicity.

[Anonymous]

I had PTSD for years after leaving an abusive relationship, and it sounds you may, too.

Tell the man you're not interested in dating and go to therapy stat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you aren't interested.

I see no reason to go into specifics about ethnicity if you don't intend to try to make it work. It is relevant to working through a problem in a relationship, it isn't relevant to breaking up.

+1
no reason to ghost him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapy.

This.

It really helped me. I had a similar issue after my divorce. Not to the point of fear, but serious mistrust. I didn't want to become a racial or religious bigot. I also worried what I was communicating to my DC (half White/Jewish) if I inadvertently showed this fear. I don't date white/Jewish guys anymore because I have a partner of my own race, but I also don't react negatively anymore when I meet men of that background.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't just disappear on him, it sounds like he's a perfectly nice guy so at least give him the respect of some closure. Don't mention his ethnicity or anything, just say you realize you're not sufficiently past your marriage to date again. Which is basically what's going on, if you still have that much residual fear.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapy.

This, and no mention of your fears to this innocent guy, OK? Don't put your baggage on him.

[Anonymous]

I don't really understand why you feel the need to ignore him. Three dates? Why can't you just tell the guy he seems nice but you're just not interested in pursuing a relationship with him? Why do you feel that your only options are ghosting him or telling him it's due to his ethnicity?