Sad for my tween girl/ friendship woes

[Anonymous]

We moved to the area this summer and my kids generally have adjusted very well. We are military and have moved every 2-3 years until now but will be staying put from here out ("retiring" here). Anyhow we moved to a great neighborhood with lots of kids all around us for my younger 2 children. However my oldest (5th grade girl) is having a much tougher adjustment. There aren't any other 5th grade girls right around us for impromptu hanging out. She loves school and has friends there in her class and we've had planned playdates with about 5 of the 9 girls in her class, and they seem to have gone fine but no reciprocation. Partly because most of the other parents work during the week. How can I encourage friendship? She's not a loner, quite outgoing actually. It makes my heart hurt that she feels so sad to not be invited out but I can't make others reciprocate. We just keep inviting people over which is fine.
This is mostly a vent, it's only been a few months I know, but I really want her to find a good friend group. She is involved in sports, religious school, etc.

[Anonymous]

This won't help you immediately, but I've found that middle school provides great opportunities for my DD. They have a later bus three days a week and many different extracurriculars, so I made sure she was signed up for activities at school 2-3 days a week. She's fairly introverted but group of friends has definitely grown. And even if they're not hanging out all the time outside school, there's an automatic time in the week to see those friends. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

My DD in 5th grade isn't invited out, either. She seems to be okay with it - I think I was at that age, too. Anyway, I've noticed that this is the year when the groups are breaking apart a bit based on interests. I think there are plenty of kids in the same position. Anyway, I think you just do whatever your DD wants you to do. If she wants to see her friends, then keep planning play dates. Everyone is so busy these days - I'm sure it's nothing personal. Your DD will be fine, I'm sure. I guess I just want to let you know that it's not necessarily because you have just moved - it's happening to lots of girls that age. I figure they see enough of their friends at school (and some after school clubs/sports).

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry your daughter's having a tough time, but please -- get her into some activities so she can meet other kids who share her interests. Don't depend on neighborhood "let's just hang out" kids because, as you've found, they may not exist in your area; and while you should keep trying on play dates, your daughter may have more fun, and eventually make some good friends with whom she'll have plenty of reciprocated play dates, if she's involved in activities outside school. This area is absolutely full of a million activities for kids her age -- look at your local parks and recreation department catalogs for classes (art, dance, sport, Lego leagues, library book groups--heck, computer programming is available for kids as young as she is if that's her thing). Look at what's on offer in your town or county. Look into scouting or other types of youth groups (church or synagogue or other house of worship if your family does that). Let her help choose. Kids form better and deeper friendships based on shared interests and shared experiences than those based just on who lives down the street or who is in their class.

Meanwhile, it's not unusual for folks in this very busy area not to reciprocate play dates one for one at this age. If you talk with the other kids' parents you're likely to find out that these kids have an extracurricular activity and family activities and that's why they're not quick to reciprocate -- especially if parents work weekdays, they often want and need to spend weekends hauling kids to activities and doing family things. So keep trying, and don't worry about reciprocation too much; if you can host, do it, for your daughter's sake. Most other families do know they should reciprocate more, and wish they could, but a lot depends on circumstances. As a work from home parent with one child, it was easier for me to host play dates than it was for friends who worked outside the home and/or had several kids all going in different directions each day -- it's just how things were. Keep up the play dates, arrange some things where whole families attend so you can get to know the parents better too, and at the same time do find some extracurricular activities that your daughter really wants to do. Doesn't have to be a packed schedule. Just one thing she really enjoys, and where she'll meet other kids.

[Anonymous]

^^ Posted the above. I note your daughter is in a sport and in religious education, but I'm talking more about youth groups that do a lot of activities like service projects together, etc. And with sports -- those can be great friendship builders, or they can be nothing beyond seeing each other at practices and games and that's the end of it. If her sport isn't helping her find friends, that's OK as long as she likes the sport for its own sake, but I'd still investigate whether she might enjoy something else as well as that.
Do you ask kids from her religious class or her sports team for play dates? You only mention play dates with school classmates. Maybe try those other groups instead.

[Anonymous]

I have a 5th grade DD, and we don't do a lot of playdates. She is pretty involved with an extracurricular activity that she does 4 days a week. And right after school, she is in aftercare. So, she gets to play with friends every day. It does mean that she has less time to spend with kids who go home after school. I am at work, so can't invite other kids over. I sometimes invite kids over after she i finished with her activity on Saturday afternoons, or maybe to hang out Sunday afternoon. But that is our only down time, so I am reluctant to host too many playdates then. The same seems to be true for her friends' families. So her buddies are mostly the kids she is in aftercare with.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks. She has been involved in school extracurricular activities. For example she did girls on the run this fall. Unfortunately we didn't know until it started that no other 5th graders participated so she was the only one with 3rd and 4th graders. It kind of got her down about halfway through but she stuck it out. Anyhow, religious school is a bit chaotic and kids from all over NoVa attend but we will focus there a bit as well. She is starting a new dance class and will do a different spring sport so things should hopefully improve. I don't really care much about the reciprocating but it's certainly nice to get invited and not always be the inviter, you know? Her perspective, not mine.
I appreciate all the feedback for sure. Moving is hard at this age too, but it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

We moved here in 4th and my DD had trouble making friends. Middle school was a huge change and she made really great friends. Our elementary did not have a lot of turn over and I think most of the groups were already established.

[Anonymous]

I have a seventh grade girl, and think you need to dial it back. My girl has only one friend in walking distance of our house. It's fine. Keep your girl involved in lots of activities. She'll be fine. Sometimes it takes a while for people to warm up to newbies. You wrote this post and all I hear is that YOU are upset, but nowhere do you say anything about your daughter being upset. Step back a little.

[Anonymous]

OP, if the issue is that other parents are too busy, then keep inviting them to your house. Assuming you have the time and the girls like each other.

[Anonymous]

Is there a Girl Scout troop in her grade?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a seventh grade girl, and think you need to dial it back. My girl has only one friend in walking distance of our house. It's fine. Keep your girl involved in lots of activities. She'll be fine. Sometimes it takes a while for people to warm up to newbies. You wrote this post and all I hear is that YOU are upset, but nowhere do you say anything about your daughter being upset. Step back a little.

I am upset because my daughter's upset. She has been crying about it. A LOT of it is that her younger brother has boys exactly his age in 3 out of 4 houses right next to ours. So all day every day the boys are running between houses, playing outside, doing sleepovers, going places together, etc.
I don't think that she feels excluded at school or left out by anyone- I think she is just down because she wants that and it just isn't happening here.
My heart hurts because she is sad. I've not intervened or done anything other than encouraged/ arranged play dates with parents when she asks, and taking her on errands with me or spending extra time with her when she seems to need some extra attention.
I don't think I need to back off because I'm not doing anything to back off from! I'm just asking for advice from BTDT parents.
There is not a GS troop at our school for her age group, I checked when we moved here and she wasn't interested in joining one based at another school.

[Anonymous]

It's harder at that age to make new friends. Plus 5th graders are much busier with school, sports, instruments. My Dd just plays with one neighbor kid and the rest of her friends she sees at school. It's really the 2nd grade and under crowd that run around a lot from house to house because they have more free time.