Divorced Folks, what were the early years like?

[Anonymous]

Genuinely curious. What were the first few years of your marriage like? And the first year after a kid?

I have been married two years and change and just had DD a few months ago and am crazy happy but reading this forum makes me wonder if something will happen slowly or quickly and one day I'll just wake up hating my husband.

Are the early years an indication of long term viability?

[Anonymous]

If you treat each other the same way and not change you'll be fine. Make sure you have time for just you and your husband every once in a while and for Petes sake don't have another one too soon.

[Anonymous]

The first few years of marriage were okay, but in hindsight there were plenty of red flags that I didn't catch or chose to ignore. Once my DS was born, things got much, much worse quickly. Colicky baby, sleep deprivation, financial constraints led to a toxic relationship that culminated in him having an affair and moving out when DS was 15 months.

I think that the early years can show problems, or insurmountable problems can crop up later. I've known people where both things have happened. If you're happy now, just enjoy it and keep investing in and working on your marriage so that it stays strong.

[Anonymous]

I would say that the first year after having a child is the most telling in terms of long-term viability of the marriage. Most couples have an extended honeymoon phase after the marriage and before kids. The way you cope as a couple with the stress of kids, jobs, and sleeplessness is the real test of whether you will be able to work together as day-to-day partners and also stay emotionally connected despite being unable to give each other your full attention.

And by the way, your happiness does not equal his happiness. Having kids seems to trigger a lot of identity issues and performance anxiety (re being a provider) in men. Some start to resent their wives for being a constant reminder of their sometimes-overwhelming obligations, when really they are just having trouble accepting that marriage and kids didn't magically turn them into the man with the perfect life that they always imagined they would be as a grownup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say that the first year after having a child is the most telling in terms of long-term viability of the marriage. Most couples have an extended honeymoon phase after the marriage and before kids. The way you cope as a couple with the stress of kids, jobs, and sleeplessness is the real test of whether you will be able to work together as day-to-day partners and also stay emotionally connected despite being unable to give each other your full attention.

And by the way, your happiness does not equal his happiness. Having kids seems to trigger a lot of identity issues and performance anxiety (re being a provider) in men. Some start to resent their wives for being a constant reminder of their sometimes-overwhelming obligations, when really they are just having trouble accepting that marriage and kids didn't magically turn them into the man with the perfect life that they always imagined they would be as a grownup.

He is happy too right now. I am a big talker, we do regular relationship check ins. I find it really hard to be happy when he is unhappy. And we are very much partners thus far in baby having. I am wondering if things will change now that I'm back at work but so far they haven't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say that the first year after having a child is the most telling in terms of long-term viability of the marriage. Most couples have an extended honeymoon phase after the marriage and before kids. The way you cope as a couple with the stress of kids, jobs, and sleeplessness is the real test of whether you will be able to work together as day-to-day partners and also stay emotionally connected despite being unable to give each other your full attention.

And by the way, your happiness does not equal his happiness. Having kids seems to trigger a lot of identity issues and performance anxiety (re being a provider) in men. Some start to resent their wives for being a constant reminder of their sometimes-overwhelming obligations, when really they are just having trouble accepting that marriage and kids didn't magically turn them into the man with the perfect life that they always imagined they would be as a grownup.

So much truth in this. Great insight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say that the first year after having a child is the most telling in terms of long-term viability of the marriage. Most couples have an extended honeymoon phase after the marriage and before kids. The way you cope as a couple with the stress of kids, jobs, and sleeplessness is the real test of whether you will be able to work together as day-to-day partners and also stay emotionally connected despite being unable to give each other your full attention.

And by the way, your happiness does not equal his happiness. Having kids seems to trigger a lot of identity issues and performance anxiety (re being a provider) in men. Some start to resent their wives for being a constant reminder of their sometimes-overwhelming obligations, when really they are just having trouble accepting that marriage and kids didn't magically turn them into the man with the perfect life that they always imagined they would be as a grownup.

He is happy too right now. I am a big talker, we do regular relationship check ins. I find it really hard to be happy when he is unhappy. And we are very much partners thus far in baby having. I am wondering if things will change now that I'm back at work but so far they haven't.

I haven't posted before but this seems promising. Before DD was born, my ex had a lot of ideas about what kind of parent he'd be and what our family life would be like. When DD was born, he didn't walk the walk. It wasn't the partnership that he'd said he wanted, and that got worse rather than better as time passed. We separated when she was 2.

[Anonymous]

If you want your marriage to work make sure your husband is OK about having another. Don't take it upon yourself and make the decision for him....and don't expect him to help changing diapers. If he does it then that a bonus. High expectations low end results ruins marriages.

[Anonymous]

The early years weren't great. I kept wondering if all newlyweds felt down about getting married. I kept trying to "divorce-proof" my marriage, even from the beginning. But I should have not fought it so hard and just gotten divorced, which we did eventually. One thing I did, for which I'm so grateful, was not have kids with my ex. It would have been so much harder to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The early years weren't great. I kept wondering if all newlyweds felt down about getting married. I kept trying to "divorce-proof" my marriage, even from the beginning. But I should have not fought it so hard and just gotten divorced, which we did eventually. One thing I did, for which I'm so grateful, was not have kids with my ex. It would have been so much harder to divorce.

PP again. I feel like that was a bit of a downer message, so I want to add -- OP you're happy right now, just enjoy it and don't second guess your joy. You both seem like you're in a good place. Be in the moment and don't worry too much.

[Anonymous]

In my experience ( but I'm not divorced) at 5-7 years is when cracks start to show, kids or no. You're no longer newly weds, life is getting real, and the actual foundation-testing discussions and fights begin. Years 0-5 were pretty easy, even throwing a kid in the mix, but I will say 5-8 started throwing some real shit at us and we became unafraid of digging deep and putting on the figurative boxing gloves during disagreements. So, it's really hard to say because I think for most couples, it's not until the second chunk of the first decade of marriage that a lot of the actual relationship testing occurs.

[Anonymous]

The premarital relationship was okay, fine, even but the marriage itself was never good. He changed as soon as we got home from the honeymoon. I was told by both lay people and so-called experts that the first few years of marriage are hard, hang in there. Things got much worse after an early pregnancy loss between kids. He said he was mildly depressed and anxious and blamed me for it. I accepted that and recommitted to making him happier. We had more marriage counseling. I wanted to leave. The therapist thought I was unsure and said that I'd probably regret leaving. By the second trimester of a subsequent pregnancy (unplanned), he was raging daily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say that the first year after having a child is the most telling in terms of long-term viability of the marriage. Most couples have an extended honeymoon phase after the marriage and before kids. The way you cope as a couple with the stress of kids, jobs, and sleeplessness is the real test of whether you will be able to work together as day-to-day partners and also stay emotionally connected despite being unable to give each other your full attention.

And by the way, your happiness does not equal his happiness. Having kids seems to trigger a lot of identity issues and performance anxiety (re being a provider) in men. Some start to resent their wives for being a constant reminder of their sometimes-overwhelming obligations, when really they are just having trouble accepting that marriage and kids didn't magically turn them into the man with the perfect life that they always imagined they would be as a grownup.

So much truth in this. Great insight.

This was an issue for my XH as well. He even resented my fertility issues.

[Anonymous]

This is an interesting post. We have been together 25 yrs and often try to figure out what went right with us. Its hard to pinpoint because we are not in other relationships. But I found the early years of marriage very very easy - never had any issues at all. Post first kid was much much harder as we had moved to a new place and I had no friends. But it gets better - life with small kids is hard for the best of marriages.

[Anonymous]

I was married for four years. The first three were great. The last one sucked like hell. My husband cheated. We had no kids and could part with little muss and fuss.