Is there anything I can do? Grandma driving my mom crazy
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Anonymous
| My grandma (in her late 80s) is independent and relatively healthy. She lives in the same small town as my mom and my aunt. My mom has always been the caretaker of the family and as my grandma gets older, that responsibility is increasing. However, my grandma's also getting kind of crotchety and not easy to deal with. She doesn't have any urgent health concerns so it's more a matter of managing house and appointments, etc. Anyway, my mom is losing it. Getting very snippy and angry with grandma and emotionally drained. Her MIL (my other grandma) also lives with my parents, but is relatively benign although that is certainly also draining. My dad is emotionally vapid so not much help. What would you recommend I try to do to relieve the burden on my mom, given that I am not local and have young kids. I don't understand how this relationship can just go on and on until my grandma dies (hopefully not for several more years). I talked with my mom about setting boundaries and she is trying, but my grandma then gets angry and punitive towards her. Aggghhh. I don't think their relationship was ever perfect, but it used to be quite amiable. Any advice for me or my mom? |
Anonymous
| Your mom needs to hire a home health aide for Grandma. I don't know if your grandma needs help dressing and cooking, or just rides to appointments and grocery stores, but your mom needs some time off. She needs respite care. |
Anonymous
|
home health aid, meals on wheels, grocery delivery etc.
When I was fresh out of high school I worked as a nursing assistant and did some part time work as a home health aid and I'd help with baths, dressing, bed change, maybe prepare an easy meal (keeping in mind I was quite young.) I enjoyed it. Sometimes medicare will pay part of the tab. It's worth looking into so your mom gets an honest to goodness break. Maybe she can have someone come in for 2 hrs twice a week or something like that. |
Anonymous
| What types of things? Can money be thrown at the problem? Hire a "nanny" or sorts for grandma? Who can cook, do some cleaning, run errands and take grandma to appts? Even a few hours a day would work well. Or is the care more involved like getting dressed and needing medical care? |
Anonymous
| Have you guys looked into the fact that grandma might be depressed? My grandma was getting combative and angry and her demeanor changed after we got her on antidepressants. The doctor said depression is very, very common in the elderly. |
Anonymous
| Good comments pps. Thanks. I don't think she's depressed but is really struggling with loss of abilities and the general physical discomfort of aging. Now, that said, she can cook, clean, get dressed, drive. I don't think she's in need of a home health aide yet. In thinking about this, I've come to realize that the big stressors are managing the properties that she owns- a vacation rental and a multi family unit where she also lives. I mean, really, that's crazy. I think the grandkids need to step up and start managing the vacation house and I'm not sure what to do about her home... |
Anonymous
| Hire a property management company for all the properties. Problem solved. |
Anonymous
I know right. I guess we have to find a way to convince her to give up the power. She's an awful cheapskate also so have to get around that. Will pursue! Thanks DCUM for helping me see the solution that's right in front of me! |
Anonymous
| Can the Aunt take over some of it? |
Anonymous
Unfortunately she's not very reliable. She's actually a bit of a drain on my mom too, but that's my mom's fault- been babying her for years. |
Anonymous
Can you all the Aunt to either ask her to take over some of it? Would it work for your mom to come to visit you for two weeks and have the Aunt pick up all up and see what your mother does? Then maybe the Aunt can pick up the slack? |