Niece is feeling left out at home

[Anonymous]

My 12 year old niece spent the night at my house last night and we stayed up late chatting. Her parents divorced when she was 5. Her dad, who's my brother, has remarried, but doesnt have any children with her yet, however, he does have a son with another woman, but he only sees him every other weekend. Her mom has a boyfriend and they just had a baby last month. My niece told me that she feels left out and that she doesn't think her mom cares about her anymore now that she has her boyfriend and another child. She said she's felt like this since her mom told her she was pregnant. She feels like her mom is trying to start a new family and not include her. I'm wondering if I should talk to her mother about this, tell my brother and have him talk to her, or just stay out of it completely? It hurts me to know my niece is feeling like this.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a close relationship with any of the adults in this situation? If you are close to your ex-SIL, I would talk to her. If you aren't, but are close to your brother (and he has at least an okay relationship with his ex), I'd bring it up with him. If you aren't close to either of them, that's tough. Maybe talk to your brother generally about how kids feel when families blend and reblend. And be there for your niece. I don't think it's overstepping to tell her that she is always part of your family and welcome in your home.

[Anonymous]

Tell your brother.

[Anonymous]

Have you actually see any excluding behavior by the mom?

Sounds partly like being 12. 12 is hard. Being ESSENTIALLY an only child until 12 is even harder.

If you have a good relationship with the mom, mention that you are willing to baby sit the newborn for an afternoon if they want any solo mother-daughter bonding time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a close relationship with any of the adults in this situation? If you are close to your ex-SIL, I would talk to her. If you aren't, but are close to your brother (and he has at least an okay relationship with his ex), I'd bring it up with him. If you aren't close to either of them, that's tough. Maybe talk to your brother generally about how kids feel when families blend and reblend. And be there for your niece. I don't think it's overstepping to tell her that she is always part of your family and welcome in your home.

I haven't been as close to my ex SIL in the last few years, but I'm very close to my brother. My brother and ex SIL get along pretty well that's why I thought about talking to him about it.

[Anonymous]

This is so sad. I don't have any advice other than to say your niece is very lucky to have you as an aunt. If her mother were your sister, then I would encourage you to have a chat with her but it is a little awkward with her being your ex-sister-in-law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your brother.

No.

Since your niece is 12, encourage her to talk to her mom herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so sad. I don't have any advice other than to say your niece is very lucky to have you as an aunt. If her mother were your sister, then I would encourage you to have a chat with her but it is a little awkward with her being your ex-sister-in-law.

Tread lightly here.

You are basing everything on comments one night by a preteen --as a species not the most perceptive creatures when it comes to other's motives or needs. A one month old is a huge time suck. Chances are that she is no more left out than any 12 year old would be in an intact family that has a newborn. The wrong comment on your part could cause friction between the parents. Your niece doesn't need that any more than a hole in the head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you actually see any excluding behavior by the mom?

Sounds partly like being 12. 12 is hard. Being ESSENTIALLY an only child until 12 is even harder.

If you have a good relationship with the mom, mention that you are willing to baby sit the newborn for an afternoon if they want any solo mother-daughter bonding time.

No I haven't witnessed it. I'm taking her word for it. But you're, it could come from being her mom's only child for 12 years.

[Anonymous]

If you are close to your brother, talk to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you actually see any excluding behavior by the mom?

Sounds partly like being 12. 12 is hard. Being ESSENTIALLY an only child until 12 is even harder.

If you have a good relationship with the mom, mention that you are willing to baby sit the newborn for an afternoon if they want any solo mother-daughter bonding time.

No I haven't witnessed it. I'm taking her word for it. But you're, it could come from being her mom's only child for 12 years.

I think the point is that she is feeling left out, and that's how you should raise the issue. It could be moody 12 year old acts like she doesn't want mom around, but then when mom is busy with the baby she feels slighted. Or she could be reading the situation correctly-I had a friend growing up whose mom was so not interested in her any more when she had a new mom and a new baby-it was very sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you actually see any excluding behavior by the mom?

Sounds partly like being 12. 12 is hard. Being ESSENTIALLY an only child until 12 is even harder.

If you have a good relationship with the mom, mention that you are willing to baby sit the newborn for an afternoon if they want any solo mother-daughter bonding time.

No I haven't witnessed it. I'm taking her word for it. But you're, it could come from being her mom's only child for 12 years.

I think the point is that she is feeling left out, and that's how you should raise the issue. It could be moody 12 year old acts like she doesn't want mom around, but then when mom is busy with the baby she feels slighted. Or she could be reading the situation correctly-I had a friend growing up whose mom was so not interested in her any more when she had a new mom and a new baby-it was very sad.

That sounds sad and I hope that's not the case for my niece. I know her mom has always been very loving and caring towards her and she's always been her number one priority, so I never imagined that would change now that she has a new baby.

[Anonymous]

It is normal for any older sibling to feel that the baby is getting all the attention. It is also normal for her to have feelings of being left out of the "new family". I would keep in touch with her and continue to be an adult the she can confide in. Encourage her to tell her mom and dad these fears, so they can help her work through these very normal feelings.

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to add that I would be extremely careful if you decide to approach the adults about this. Mom just had a baby and is likely hormonal and emotional. You don't want to cause a rift that could impact your ability to have a relationship with your niece.

My instinct would be to hold off on judging the situation.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say anything to her parents but a) keep in touch with her (maybe more than before) and b) encourage her to talk to her mom and dad about her feelings.

In all likelihood this is adjustment to not being an only (again) and a little extra attention from her cool aunt may help.