Niece is feeling left out at home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say anything to her parents but a) keep in touch with her (maybe more than before) and b) encourage her to talk to her mom and dad about her feelings.

In all likelihood this is adjustment to not being an only (again) and a little extra attention from her cool aunt may help.

I'll definitely make sure to do this!

[Anonymous]

There is a middle ground between doing nothing at all and calling her mom and her dad to ask them about it.

Did you ask her if she's told her mom or dad how she feels? What did she say? How did they respond?

If you didn't ask her, you should.

You should also ask her what is different, what has changed in how her mom and dad act towards her that makes her feel left out. That will help separate whether it's natural feelings about this whole family situation, or actual changes in how her parents are treating her that maybe she could point out to them and talk to them about.

Lastly, it's always helpful (with kids and adults) to ask her what change she'd like to see. What would things be like if she was happier about the living arrangments and time she spent with each parent? Then help her think through how to talk to each parent about those things.

I'd do all of that before I ever reached out to the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell brother and ex-SIL to stop having all these out-of-wedlock babies. Trash.

This. And your poor niece is paying the price for it. These self-absorbed adults just flit from one relationship to the next, having babies along the way, and discarding the kids' feelings completely. Of course your niece feels left out. She's 12 -- a VERY HARD age and an age that she needs her parents involved in her life. Sounds like they are too busy pursuing their own happiness.

She's lucky to have you OP. Please don't abandon her too. If she's spending the night at your house, that's a good sign. I would invest myself as much as possible in this child, from now on. She's going to need it.

[Anonymous]

OP here, she doesn't feel left out when it comes to my brother and his new family, she only feels this way about her mom since that's where she lives.

[Anonymous]

If you're even remotely close with SIL, I don't think it's totally out of line to give her a heads up about her DD's feelings. Something simple and not guilt or blame inducing, basically just a factual report. Tell her you're sorry to add another thing to her plate but that you wanted to let her know that when DD came over she said she felt a bit left out - and that a lot of it is probably 12-year-old tween feelings, but that you still wanted to let her know so that she could be cognizant of it and not be surprised if it came up later. Not out of line if you word it right, IMO.

[Anonymous]

OP I agree with the advice to talk to your niece and encourage her to share her feelings with her mother. I also agree that there are some ordinary preteen and sibling dynamics in play here. However, there is one more wrinkle that's special and that she might be struggling with: if she is in a joint custody situation, then she only gets to be with her mother part time. The baby gets to be with her mother full-time, something your niece lost when she was very young.

I'm divorced with joint custody of my daughter and when her dad and I split I decided not to have any more kids because of this very dynamic. She's got half sisters with her dad and stepmother and they do what they can to be even-handed but the reality is that she feels left out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell brother and ex-SIL to stop having all these out-of-wedlock babies. Trash.

This. And your poor niece is paying the price for it. These self-absorbed adults just flit from one relationship to the next, having babies along the way, and discarding the kids' feelings completely. Of course your niece feels left out. She's 12 -- a VERY HARD age and an age that she needs her parents involved in her life. Sounds like they are too busy pursuing their own happiness.

She's lucky to have you OP. Please don't abandon her too. If she's spending the night at your house, that's a good sign. I would invest myself as much as possible in this child, from now on. She's going to need it.

There is absolutely no evidence that this is happening to OP's niece. In the 7 years since her parents divorced, she has acquired two half siblings. My cousin remarried when her son was 12 and had a baby every year/18 mos until he graduated from college. That was a lot more disruptive for her son in terms of parental time, energy, and monetary resources. But she had that all important piece of paper so I guess that's all that matters. "Illegitimate" half siblings are harmful no matter how few. Half-siblings born in wedlock have no impact, no matter how many.

I missed the medical literature that out of wedlock babies are physically different than those born to married parents. How silly of me to assume a one month old born to unmarried parents would be no more demanding than one whose parents hit a Vegas chapel before the delivery room.

Just admit that you have a moral issue that has nothing to do with how the girl is actually affected by her half-siblings. OP hasn't described any flitting from relationship to relationship. OP mentioned that Dad had two relationships in 7 years. One is a new marriage. OP mentioned Mom had one relationship in 7 years. This is probably well below the average for most divorced adults.

[Anonymous]

OP here, her dad has had many relationships since the divorce, actually his son is the reason why him and my ex-SIL got divorced in the first place. My niece has a really good relationship with her brother and his mom and even her current stepmom. I don't know much about her mom's boyfriend or my niece's relationship with him, but I get the feeling it's not a good one if she's feeling the way she does!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell brother and ex-SIL to stop having all these out-of-wedlock babies. Trash.

This. And your poor niece is paying the price for it. These self-absorbed adults just flit from one relationship to the next, having babies along the way, and discarding the kids' feelings completely. Of course your niece feels left out. She's 12 -- a VERY HARD age and an age that she needs her parents involved in her life. Sounds like they are too busy pursuing their own happiness.

She's lucky to have you OP. Please don't abandon her too. If she's spending the night at your house, that's a good sign. I would invest myself as much as possible in this child, from now on. She's going to need it.

There is absolutely no evidence that this is happening to OP's niece. In the 7 years since her parents divorced, she has acquired two half siblings. My cousin remarried when her son was 12 and had a baby every year/18 mos until he graduated from college. That was a lot more disruptive for her son in terms of parental time, energy, and monetary resources. But she had that all important piece of paper so I guess that's all that matters. "Illegitimate" half siblings are harmful no matter how few. Half-siblings born in wedlock have no impact, no matter how many.

I missed the medical literature that out of wedlock babies are physically different than those born to married parents. How silly of me to assume a one month old born to unmarried parents would be no more demanding than one whose parents hit a Vegas chapel before the delivery room.

Just admit that you have a moral issue that has nothing to do with how the girl is actually affected by her half-siblings. OP hasn't described any flitting from relationship to relationship. OP mentioned that Dad had two relationships in 7 years. One is a new marriage. OP mentioned Mom had one relationship in 7 years. This is probably well below the average for most divorced adults.

Oh, but read on, PP, for OP's next comment. Dad has had "many relationships since the divorce" and it sounds like he had another child (son) out of wedlock. This obviously shocks you, but I would have guessed that. There is probably a lot more to this story, as well, that OP is not going into.

You're damn right I have a moral issue with all of this. It killed his family and is obviously causing great pain to OP's niece. Not that anyone besides OP appears to care about that, of course.

[Anonymous]

"Joe, we loved having Katie over last night. She's a sweet kid. I really get the sense there is a lot going in both of your homes these days so do you think it would be too disruptive if I invited her again soon? I don't want to add to how much she is shuffled around, but I so enjoyed spending one-on-one time with her and would really like to do more of that."

[Anonymous]

Mention it to your brother. I can understand why she feels that way. Basically she has been replaced and I'm sure her mother is too busy to pay attention to her with a new baby. She is basically not really part of the family unit anymore because the mother, new man, and baby are the new and improved family unit. Not sure how you can make it any better for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mention it to your brother. I can understand why she feels that way. Basically she has been replaced and I'm sure her mother is too busy to pay attention to her with a new baby. She is basically not really part of the family unit anymore because the mother, new man, and baby are the new and improved family unit. Not sure how you can make it any better for her.

That doesn't mean her mom should leave her out of this new family! She will always be her daughter too! I think I'll probably end up talking to my brother about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell brother and ex-SIL to stop having all these out-of-wedlock babies. Trash.

This. And your poor niece is paying the price for it. These self-absorbed adults just flit from one relationship to the next, having babies along the way, and discarding the kids' feelings completely. Of course your niece feels left out. She's 12 -- a VERY HARD age and an age that she needs her parents involved in her life. Sounds like they are too busy pursuing their own happiness.

She's lucky to have you OP. Please don't abandon her too. If she's spending the night at your house, that's a good sign. I would invest myself as much as possible in this child, from now on. She's going to need it.

There is absolutely no evidence that this is happening to OP's niece. In the 7 years since her parents divorced, she has acquired two half siblings. My cousin remarried when her son was 12 and had a baby every year/18 mos until he graduated from college. That was a lot more disruptive for her son in terms of parental time, energy, and monetary resources. But she had that all important piece of paper so I guess that's all that matters. "Illegitimate" half siblings are harmful no matter how few. Half-siblings born in wedlock have no impact, no matter how many.

I missed the medical literature that out of wedlock babies are physically different than those born to married parents. How silly of me to assume a one month old born to unmarried parents would be no more demanding than one whose parents hit a Vegas chapel before the delivery room.

Just admit that you have a moral issue that has nothing to do with how the girl is actually affected by her half-siblings. OP hasn't described any flitting from relationship to relationship. OP mentioned that Dad had two relationships in 7 years. One is a new marriage. OP mentioned Mom had one relationship in 7 years. This is probably well below the average for most divorced adults.

I don't think PP was saying that marriage is the thing that makes the difference. I think the spirit of what you each believe/mean about this situation is roughly the same.

Bottom line: It's less than ideal and sometimes out right shitty when a kid doesn't get the benefit of living with 2 biological parents who are both largely centered around him/her. Life's messy sometimes. But people should do the best they can to minimize partner hopping and having kids with different people, married or not, it because it hurts kids and causes GENERATIONS of dysfunction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell brother and ex-SIL to stop having all these out-of-wedlock babies. Trash.

This. And your poor niece is paying the price for it. These self-absorbed adults just flit from one relationship to the next, having babies along the way, and discarding the kids' feelings completely. Of course your niece feels left out. She's 12 -- a VERY HARD age and an age that she needs her parents involved in her life. Sounds like they are too busy pursuing their own happiness.

She's lucky to have you OP. Please don't abandon her too. If she's spending the night at your house, that's a good sign. I would invest myself as much as possible in this child, from now on. She's going to need it.

There is absolutely no evidence that this is happening to OP's niece. In the 7 years since her parents divorced, she has acquired two half siblings. My cousin remarried when her son was 12 and had a baby every year/18 mos until he graduated from college. That was a lot more disruptive for her son in terms of parental time, energy, and monetary resources. But she had that all important piece of paper so I guess that's all that matters. "Illegitimate" half siblings are harmful no matter how few. Half-siblings born in wedlock have no impact, no matter how many.

I missed the medical literature that out of wedlock babies are physically different than those born to married parents. How silly of me to assume a one month old born to unmarried parents would be no more demanding than one whose parents hit a Vegas chapel before the delivery room.

Just admit that you have a moral issue that has nothing to do with how the girl is actually affected by her half-siblings. OP hasn't described any flitting from relationship to relationship. OP mentioned that Dad had two relationships in 7 years. One is a new marriage. OP mentioned Mom had one relationship in 7 years. This is probably well below the average for most divorced adults.

I don't think PP was saying that marriage is the thing that makes the difference. I think the spirit of what you each believe/mean about this situation is roughly the same.

Bottom line: It's less than ideal and sometimes out right shitty when a kid doesn't get the benefit of living with 2 biological parents who are both largely centered around him/her. Life's messy sometimes. But people should do the best they can to minimize partner hopping and having kids with different people, married or not, it because it hurts kids and causes GENERATIONS of dysfunction.

The PP here: Actually I do think that marriage makes a big difference, if for no other reason that it solidifies and legalizes the commitment and makes it less likely that it will fall apart on a whim -- as is shown, apparently repeatedly, in OP's family. But I do agree with the rest of your statement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would tell brother and ex-SIL to stop having all these out-of-wedlock babies. Trash.

This. And your poor niece is paying the price for it. These self-absorbed adults just flit from one relationship to the next, having babies along the way, and discarding the kids' feelings completely. Of course your niece feels left out. She's 12 -- a VERY HARD age and an age that she needs her parents involved in her life. Sounds like they are too busy pursuing their own happiness.

She's lucky to have you OP. Please don't abandon her too. If she's spending the night at your house, that's a good sign. I would invest myself as much as possible in this child, from now on. She's going to need it.

There is absolutely no evidence that this is happening to OP's niece. In the 7 years since her parents divorced, she has acquired two half siblings. My cousin remarried when her son was 12 and had a baby every year/18 mos until he graduated from college. That was a lot more disruptive for her son in terms of parental time, energy, and monetary resources. But she had that all important piece of paper so I guess that's all that matters. "Illegitimate" half siblings are harmful no matter how few. Half-siblings born in wedlock have no impact, no matter how many.

I missed the medical literature that out of wedlock babies are physically different than those born to married parents. How silly of me to assume a one month old born to unmarried parents would be no more demanding than one whose parents hit a Vegas chapel before the delivery room.

Just admit that you have a moral issue that has nothing to do with how the girl is actually affected by her half-siblings. OP hasn't described any flitting from relationship to relationship. OP mentioned that Dad had two relationships in 7 years. One is a new marriage. OP mentioned Mom had one relationship in 7 years. This is probably well below the average for most divorced adults.

I don't think PP was saying that marriage is the thing that makes the difference. I think the spirit of what you each believe/mean about this situation is roughly the same.

Bottom line: It's less than ideal and sometimes out right shitty when a kid doesn't get the benefit of living with 2 biological parents who are both largely centered around him/her. Life's messy sometimes. But people should do the best they can to minimize partner hopping and having kids with different people, married or not, it because it hurts kids and causes GENERATIONS of dysfunction.

The PP here: Actually I do think that marriage makes a big difference, if for no other reason that it solidifies and legalizes the commitment and makes it less likely that it will fall apart on a whim -- as is shown, apparently repeatedly, in OP's family. But I do agree with the rest of your statement.

Right, fair enough.