Husband's stress is killing our relationship

[Anonymous]

Let's not kid ourselves- it has not been great for a while. We went to therapy, and all I learned was that I need to accept him for who he is bc he will never change. Fine. Now there is a new element. He is stressed about finances. I believe he is being alarmist, and he obviously disagrees. He cannot function. He has the male equivalent of reating bitch face. He looks and acts angry ALL THE TIME. There is no affection, love. None. Physically he is a mess too, and whenever I ask him to take more care about his appearance, he goes off on me. I am forcing him to see a dr to get anxiety/depression/ both meds. Thats not for a dew weeks tho, and I dont think I will survive. I fantisize about having an affair with a man who adores me, cares about me, cares about himself, etc. he is a good father and good provider so I will not do that. Any advice???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let's not kid ourselves- it has not been great for a while. We went to therapy, and all I learned was that I need to accept him for who he is bc he will never change. Fine. Now there is a new element. He is stressed about finances. I believe he is being alarmist, and he obviously disagrees. He cannot function. He has the male equivalent of reating bitch face. He looks and acts angry ALL THE TIME. There is no affection, love. None. Physically he is a mess too, and whenever I ask him to take more care about his appearance, he goes off on me. I am forcing him to see a dr to get anxiety/depression/ both meds. Thats not for a dew weeks tho, and I dont think I will survive. I fantisize about having an affair with a man who adores me, cares about me, cares about himself, etc. he is a good father and good provider so I will not do that. Any advice???

yeah. You have to stop spending so much money.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for all the typos.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, the fantasy will help.

You should tell him what you posted here.

[Anonymous]

This cannot and probably won't go on forever.

I find ignoring him for a bit does wonders. It gives him a bit of space and it means I am not focused entirely on the troglodyte.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. Has it been like this for a long time? Maybe it's time to separate. You both deserve to be loved, receive affection.

[Anonymous]

So sit down and go over the finances together in a calm moment. It'll take two hours. Make a spreadsheet of what you have in all the bank accounts, retirement. See what's projects to come in, what the bills are and go from there. Knowledge and a plan is a good way to alleviate streAs and anxiety of the unknown.
We do this rundown once a month on the 1st. Helps for us both to know where we are and make a monthly plan and amend any yearly plan we have.
It will be hard if your marriage had other issues but you have to start somewhere.

Besides that focus on his and your good qualities. If he's good with the kids then tell him that!
I know this sounds like it'll be about him instead of what you want which is for him to make it about your and show his care, but he can't do that and you can't change a person from the outside and can only control what you do. So maybe if you really really try the kind and positive thing it will help. Not saying to walk on eggshells but to emphasize the good at least for a couple of weeks.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Do you SAHM? I can't get past your 'he's a good provider' little bit. Maybe if you looked at him beyond what he does for you you'd find it easier to get along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let's not kid ourselves- it has not been great for a while. We went to therapy, and all I learned was that I need to accept him for who he is bc he will never change. Fine. Now there is a new element. He is stressed about finances. I believe he is being alarmist, and he obviously disagrees. He cannot function. He has the male equivalent of reating bitch face. He looks and acts angry ALL THE TIME. There is no affection, love. None. Physically he is a mess too, and whenever I ask him to take more care about his appearance, he goes off on me. I am forcing him to see a dr to get anxiety/depression/ both meds. Thats not for a dew weeks tho, and I dont think I will survive. I fantisize about having an affair with a man who adores me, cares about me, cares about himself, etc. he is a good father and good provider so I will not do that. Any advice???

Consider the possibility that he is not being an alarmist. If he is this stressed, maybe you really have destroyed the families' future with your spending. How much debt do you have? If the answer is not "just the mortgage", he is probably justified.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's not kid ourselves- it has not been great for a while. We went to therapy, and all I learned was that I need to accept him for who he is bc he will never change. Fine. Now there is a new element. He is stressed about finances. I believe he is being alarmist, and he obviously disagrees. He cannot function. He has the male equivalent of reating bitch face. He looks and acts angry ALL THE TIME. There is no affection, love. None. Physically he is a mess too, and whenever I ask him to take more care about his appearance, he goes off on me. I am forcing him to see a dr to get anxiety/depression/ both meds. Thats not for a dew weeks tho, and I dont think I will survive. I fantisize about having an affair with a man who adores me, cares about me, cares about himself, etc. he is a good father and good provider so I will not do that. Any advice???

Consider the possibility that he is not being an alarmist. If he is this stressed, maybe you really have destroyed the families' future with your spending. How much debt do you have? If the answer is not "just the mortgage", he is probably justified.

consider the possibility that he has every reason to be stressed over the finances and the fact you are not (you assume he'll just go on being the good provider) is driving his stress. You sound oblivious. Are you overspending?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like general anxiety and he could benefit from low dose Lexapro

[Anonymous]

Why don't you offer to get back into the workforce if you can't cut your spending?

[Anonymous]

Consider cutting back on your spending for a significant amount of time and then see if that helps his stress level. Just out of curiosity, what is your HHI? Also, are you SAH?

[Anonymous]

Cut your spending by 1/3 in January. Find your inner frugal. Suck him off for no reason once a week. Book him a massage. Validate his financial concerns and care enough to help him distress without meds. It's that easy.

You're welcome.

[Anonymous]

**de-stress**

Before the harpies show up, most anyone can slash their monthly spend by 1/3 easily. Make it a game of how low you can go.