What Should I Do If My Boyfriend Hurts Me by Lying & Breaking Promises?
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Anonymous
| He promised to be back by 11p tonight . I text him around 10:45p to see if he has already left from MD and he responses with "Go to bed. I will be late. You know how blah blah events can be." This behavior really hurts. For me, keeping promises is about integrity. I always keep mine and not keeping my word demonstrates a lack of respect. When he breaks a promise, his actions make me feel devalued, unimportant to him and angry because he has let me down. I am really wondering whether the relationship is worth the effort anymore. Maybe I just have very high expectations . I have had ex boyfriends and they never pulled this crap. |
Anonymous
| No need to stick around for this. |
Anonymous
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There are two common reasons people do this:
The first is bad character. There are certainly people who feel entitled to promise x just to shut someone up, and then do y as they had always intended. The second reason is immaturity. A person cares about you, wants to make you happy, and will promise you x with the genuine intention to talk himself into doing exactly that. But then the clock starts inching toward y, and, ooh, it's tempting to stay, so much fun is being had, even though he promised you x, and hey what's an extra 15 minutes . . . and it's not like you're his mom or his boss, right? |
Anonymous
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I truly do not understand the OPs complaint. He is out at some event, and it is taking longer than expected.
Is that correct? Is this what you are upset about? I don't get it. OP sounds like a demanding baby to me. |
Anonymous
| Is he at a work holiday party? If so, I'd say let it go. Is this the first time he's done this, or is it a pattern? If it's the first time, let it go. |
Anonymous
Nope. He went out with friends after a soccer game. He's done this a lot. |
Anonymous
| OP, is your husband being out late preventing you from doing something? Do you do anything? |
Anonymous
I think it hurts more because I have been incredibly sad today. I had a miscarriage last week and he knows I've been down. |
Anonymous
| Dump him and save yourself the grief. There are too many good ones out there to waste time on the bad ones. Let someone else deal with him. |
Anonymous
+1 integrity is important! Find someone more like you. |
Anonymous
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You need to talk with him. Tell him how you feel. LISTEN to how he feels. The first step is to understand each other. Be clear if you have deal-breakers, and be clear whether he has deal-breakers.
If I am feeling very, very sad, and if spending time with my boyfriend would help me, then I would say so. Don't have him guess that it's important to you. YOU might think it's self-evident, but he might not say that was the case. You need to understand where each other is coming from, and then find a space to negotiate. I like spending time away from my husband. And to afford that, I give him time away from me, too. Now, I haven't been through a miscarriage or anything similarly devastating (my hugs to you, OP  ) so I don't know how I'd feel about needing to spend time together or apart. I like to spend time apart because my husband is NOT my *everything* -- I have interests that are not his; I have social needs that he can't or doesn't want to meet (no biggie, I love my girlfriends  ); and I like to spend time away from my kids too to refresh my adult brain.
This is to say, there is not a universal belief or feeling that being with one's SO all / most / some proportion of the time is key. Nor that that person must be the ONE to whom you turn for solace at 10 or 11 pm. If you feel that way about your SO -- and it's kind of a compliment to say so -- then he should know that. But do let him have his time away, too, if he needs that time. If he's not able or willing to meet you part way, though, then be aware that this may be your deal-breaker issue? |
Anonymous
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Argh, I'm getting so tired of these threads. OP, your boyfriend wants to go out with his friends and stay out late. Or maybe his event truly did run late. Either way, you can't (and won't ever be able to) change what he wants or how he behaves. You can only change how you react and deal with it.
I don't think this is a big deal to begin with, so I'm on your boyfriend's side. But maybe you just need to date someone who likes to sit around at home on Saturday nights. |
Anonymous
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You had a miscarriage and your BOYFRIEND is out with his friends living it up and having a good time while you cry?
Ridiculous. You two should be having serious discussions about your future together, and either planning a wedding, or seeing this as a wake-up call and breaking up. You were pregnant, OP. You brought a baby into the world with this guy. I'm so sorry you lost that child, but now it's time to really think about whether you want a family with him. If not, move on. I think his behavior shows he's not ready, personally. If he wanted that child (and you), he'd be mourning with you, not out playing with the boys. |
Anonymous
I was 6 months and had the baby still born. It was incredibly traumatic. He just came back and it's 3am. |
Anonymous
Move on and grieve both losses. You deserve better. |