Does anyone regret moving to a different private?

[Anonymous]

It's now about four months into the school year, and I was wondering if anyone has regrets about moving his or her child to a different private school. We believe that it was the right move academically, but our daughter is still feeling very lonely (middle school) and is still finding it really hard to break into groups of girls who have been together since Kindergarten. A few other mothers of new kids have mentioned that the transition has been hard for their child as well. We keep telling her to tough it out and that things will improve, but after four months, she still comes home sad each day. How do you decide if it's a case of the "new kid" blues or whether it truly is a bad fit for your child?

[Anonymous]

Have you talked to the counselor or head of middle school? Maybe they can help. Isn't anyone checking in on your family?

[Anonymous]

We are a couple of years in at our new school (in Middle School too) and kept hoping things would improve socially. How long are you willing to give it? The problem is that you have to apply to other privates now -- it's hard to wait and see because you won't have options except public come June.

[Anonymous]

I think the questions I would ask are:

1) Is your assessment that this new school was distinctly better academically a clear and solid one, or is there a chance it might have been a less clear gain than you previously thought?

2) If it's a matter of getting to know the other girls as well as they know each other, that will ultimately fix itself with time. If it's a matter of the school just not being the right kind of social environment for your DD, it may not. Your task is to figure out which it is.

[Anonymous]

OP, not sure how you figure it out. Middle school is hard anyway, so the transition from one school to another is difficult in many ways. We also switched from one private to another, also middle school. It seems like a great fit so far, but my kid still misses old friends. My DC likes the new kids a lot, but doesn't seem to feel like home yet. I think it just takes time. We're taking the long view. I think back to when we were in our first year at our old school and friendships had barely begun. It took years to feel that easy familiarity. Your school probably keeps adding kids throughout middle and high school, so there are probably lots of new friends and friendship configurations and re-configurations to come.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, everyone, for the advice. We do realize that it takes time, but we wonder when we have to decide that it's been enough time. She used to come home from school each day excited and smiling, and now she just seems kind of defeated. She's a trooper and says that she knows that it's a better school for her academically, but it's breaking our hearts to see the change in her personality. Of course, if we had a crystal ball and could tell that everything will work itself out by the end of the year, we would just bear through this rough patch. However, there doesn't seem to have been any improvement in the situation at all over the last four months. We hate to apply out to different schools now, since four months really isn't enough time to see how things will work out. Plus, we don't want to put her through a second round of being the new kid. However, if we do nothing, then we basically have committed her to spending another year at the school, and potentially two years of feeling left out could be really devastating. We are so torn about what is best to do for her.

[Anonymous]

OP again -- Sorry, I forgot to answer a question. No, nobody from the school is checking in on our family. Should they be?

[Anonymous]

can you check in with teachers or counselor at the school? have you spoken with other new parents to see if their child is feeling the same way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again -- Sorry, I forgot to answer a question. No, nobody from the school is checking in on our family. Should they be?

Possibly - were you assigned a buddy family?

If not, or if you had a crappy buddy family (were you the OP of the thread about bad buddy families?), talk to someone in the admissions office and see if they can hook you up with a friendly family in your child's class. Or, organize a little gathering (ice skating, or a movie) with the other new families. If you have a group in the same situation, then why not see if that little group works socially.

I'm sorry your DD is going through this. As a parent of a middle school girl, I try to include new families as much as possible at the start of the school year so that no one feels left out like your DD. Of course, our school is very small so this is much easier as we aren't talking about more than a couple new students per year.

[Anonymous]

Yes, we have talked to the teacher, and she said she wishes the girls had gone out of their way to be more welcoming and that, in past years, the students have been more inclusive of new students. She also assured us that, eventually, all students will find their group.

[Anonymous]

OP -- you said a few other mothers have said the transition has been tough for their children too - I assume you meant at your school but that wasn't clear. If it was at your school, have you tried a little parent nudging -- encouraging/organizing getting the newer kids together so they may form their own social group? I understand sometimes a social group of new kids forms first, and then later mergers with the other social grouping already at a school.

Another idea -- when our kids first moved to middle school we organized birthday parties doing something with wide appeal -- laser tag -- and invited a many classmates -- boys and girls. We were pleasantly surprised that something like 15-20 classmates attended. I am a big believer in low key facilitating some social opportunities to get things going until the kids pick up the ball and run with it themselves. This was a good way not only for the kids to spend time together, but to meet parents at pick up/drop off which, in turn, sometimes made it easier to facilitate further activities. Bowling is another activity that sometimes has coed appeal.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry your daughter is feeling unhappy. We switched our daughter to a new school in 6th grade It was hard at first. The school was wonderful and actively engaged in her adjustment to a new environment. We did hear from her homeroom teacher (by telephone, email and during the fall conferences) about how our daughter was interacting with the other girls socially while at school. Our daughter also had occasional lunch dates with the school counselor and a few other new girls to check-in throughout the year. The adjustment definitely took until about spring break for my daughter to feel like she had good friends. For the first 6 months, she did weekend activities (movies, etc) with her old friends so she didn't feel lonely. She still has sleepovers with old friends occasionally, but is quite happy now at her new school. Maybe you could talk to her homeroom teacher and see what the teacher observes while your daughter is at school? Maybe she seems happy while at school? I found it very reassuring to hear from the teachers that my daughter was smiling, happy and a sought after friend. It just takes time! Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP here -- Her teacher is very good academically, but I guess hands-off when it comes to social issues. We don't hear from her about the situation (although we have mentioned several times that our daughter is unhappy socially), and there don't seem to be any kind of check-ins like your daughter received (wow, the school was wonderful to be so attentive to her situation!). There are some very nice, friendly girls in other classrooms at her grade level, but her particular classroom seems to be more split up into firm groupings. Our daughter doesn't cry at school, but comes home and cries in her bedroom, so the teacher may not be completely aware of how difficult the situation is for her.

[Anonymous]

sorry, OP, this sounds so hard. hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Our DD and DS are at a close-in MoCo parochial school that doesn't always sit well with us. Very cliquish and it trickles down to the kids. But the fear is what you're saying. If we move them, could it be worse.